At first you were the man I did adore
The way you stared, your tender loving eyes.
This maybe love but it can be no more,
For my true love is back, with a surprise.
I know he shares my feelings of true love;
He loves me with a passion that’s so true.
I love him more than I could ever love,
Yet you are always on my mind like glue.
I try to let you go, you still hold on.
It may be harsh but I give you advice,
If you love me, admit that I have gone.
There’s plenty more out there, that will suffice.
You will get through this and you will be strong
The bond we shared we knew would not last long.
Thanks for your comment. :)
ReplyDeleteWow, loved your sonnet and some powerful work here too.
Keep it up! xD
I can't really fault this, because it would be possible to argue that your iambic meter is perfect. Well done you!
ReplyDeleteHowever, being a pedantic and picky teacher with a propensity for being rather 'extra', I am minded to make the following comments:
1. Line 3: "it" doesn't sound quite right stressed
2. Line 5: "of" sounds like it should be unstressed, whilst "true" needs stressing, doesn't it?
3. Line 6: "that's" doesn't sound quite right stressed
4. Line 8: "like glue" fits iambically, but I wonder whether the rhyme feels a little forced?
Other than that though, as I say, excellent work all round. :)
Hi Shiningstar, this is a very good sonnet indeed. You have created a really convincing iambic meter and the rhymes also work well. The following notes aren’t really criticism, just further points to think about.
ReplyDelete1. Look at the punctuation: if you make it more effective the flow of ideas in the poem will work better. So, for example, a dash at the end of the first line, or a colon. Also maybe in the second line should be two words as it isn’t an adverb here, it’s a verb. You could have a semi-colon at the end of the third line as it and the fourth are linked but grammatically independent. At the end of the fifth line I would be more tempted to use a colon rather than semi-colon as the sixth line demonstrates the argument of the fifth rather than just being a related idea. At the end of the tenth line again, you would do better to use a colon. You don’t need a comma after ‘there’ in the twelfth line; but you could, if you wanted, use one after ‘shared’ in the last line.
2. Repetition of words: you use ‘love’ four times, plus ‘loving’ once which is in danger of making the poem sound more repetitive than it deserves to as the idea is good and moves well through the octet and sestet. Repeating the same word ‘love’ is not, strictly speaking, a rhyme, though it does work fine here. Part of the power of rhyme is that it links two slightly different ideas because of the way the words sound similar, so when you use the same word that tension is lost. The other rhymes work very well and this sonnet as a whole is absolutely excellent. Well done!
Thanks for your comments and I get what you mean by the punctuation.I'll bare that in mind when writing another similar sonnet.
ReplyDelete