Loveless nights and reminicscenses of you,
You liked to be reffered to as Jayden.
All that heartbreak, and ache you put me through?
You proved to be amongst all other men,
You fight and you argue, PLEASE JAYDEN STOP.
I cry and weep until my eyes are dead,
You shout some more; you're again back on top.
Do I still love you and meant what I said?
But you stare so deep into my cried eyes,
"I'm sorry babe. I just made a mistake"
An expected response, surprise surprise
"Please Jenny, I'd do whatever it takes'
You say that you're not like all other men.
I guess I've started loving you again...
1) SORRY BOUT THE 4 POSTS! it said there was a blogger error and i dont no how to delete posts :(
ReplyDelete2)i no im not exactly 100% accurate with the iambs but im still focusing on the content on the sonnet so is that ok? the iambs arent a problem though im still plannin 2 redraft and also to publish the other one that i wrote =)
Aww. Hun, that was lovely!
ReplyDeleteSo romantic.
I think you've got the iambic thing pretty much under your belt too. ;D
As far as I can see lines 1, 3 and 5 are a bit off beat, but I'll leave the rest to the 'teachers'. XD
Well done!
Your content is, indeed, excellent - and you have clearly thought long and hard about what to put in your sonnet. It's strong, powerful stuff - and very impressive.
ReplyDeleteHowever, as you recognise, your iambic meter is often quite out of sync. I shall write your poem out again here, capitalising the EVEN syllables (i.e. the ones which SHOULD be stressed in iambic meter), and you can hopefully see how many of your beats are in the wrong place:
loveLESS nights AND remINisCENSes OF you,
you LIKED to BE reFERRED to AS jayDEN.
all THAT heartBREAK, and ACHE you PUT me THROUGH?
you PROVED to BE aMONGST all OTHer MEN,
you FIGHT and YOU arGUE, please JAYden STOP.
i CRY and WEEP unTIL my EYES are DEAD,
you SHOUT some MORE; you're Again BACK on TOP.
do I still LOVE you AND meant WHAT i SAID?
but YOU stare SO deep INto MY cried EYES,
"i'm SORry BABE. i JUST made A misTAKE"
an EXpecTED resPONSE, surPRISE surPRISE
"please JENny, I'D do WHATevER it TAKES'
you SAY that YOU'RE not LIKE all OTHer MEN.
i GUESS i've STARted LOVing YOU aGAIN...
I love your last line though: PERFECT! :)
Hello Sugadust.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your sonnet with us. You’ve clearly thought long and hard about the content of this poem, and you show an admirable commitment to working on this piece and redrafting it. I think that your attitude to your work is impressive, and very professional.
I like the fact that your narrator and her love-object have names in this piece, and that you give the reader snatches of their dialogue. It makes them come alive as characters within the poem. The emotions expressed in the poem feel very genuine too, so well done.
I think that if and when you redraft this, you might want to think about taking a few more risks with your imagery. You are clearly able to convey emotion very clearly and effectively, so I think you can afford to push yourself to be really imaginative in your use of language. Why not think about using more metaphor and simile?
Just some ideas to keep in mind as you work on your understanding of formal poetry. Well done.
Helen