I need you with me in eternal love
We need to show the world how well it’s done
We can go further than a flock of doves
So join me now for one last glimpse of fun
You may ask people if pure love is true
When people answer make sure they’re for real
And most answers should tell, if it's for you
When answers come it answer’s how you feel
I give you time to think about this life
In time, you will understand my meaning
When feelings arrive they will ease your strife
But don’t think this is what I like pleading
So Now, I leave decisions up to you
If you do love me let me know, please do!
Lines 2, 5, 6, 8, 9, 13 and 14 are PERFECT - no small achievement at all, especially for your first ever workshop task.
ReplyDeleteSee if you can work out why these lines work iambically, however, whereas the other lines do not?
For example, would you say "TOgeTHER" or "toGEther"? "moMENT" or "MOment"? "anSWERS" or "ANswers"?
An excellent effort all round, therefore, but you might choose to redraft it with my comments in mind, to see if you can perfect those remaining lines?
Life
ReplyDeleteHi there!
Really enjoyed this and thought it a very confident first posting. I liked the opening two lines, and the idea of showing others how good love can be. I wondered though, if there was a better word you could use instead of 'one' in the line 'we can go further than any one dove'. Is it the famed dove of peace you are talking about here?
And your next four lines were also good, dealing with taking the idea of love out into the world of others. The fifth line 'you may ask people if the love is real' -'the' weakens this line. Could you not keep it more personal and therefore stronger by asking people if their love is real or if they believe love is real? Keeping it as an enquiry that makes them examine their own emotions?
I liked the Shakespearean tone of lines seven and eight. But I think you could make line eight stronger by playing with the juxtaposition of the word 'answers'.
Your last six lines were interesting because they continue that movement from love between two people, then asking others about love, then showing love as something to ease pain in life and the last two lines being particularly strong with the realisation that the narrator is suffering because he needs that love!
Just some minor issues here - line eleven. I don't know if one can mend strife. It can perhaps be eased. And do you really need the capital letter in 'Pleading' in line twelve?
But well done for a really strong first posting that I really enjoyed reading.
Best wishes
ann g
Hi life, this is a really good first effort. I don’t have much to add to other moderators’ comments on the meter except that it’s always worth trying to keep in meter early on (in the first line) as first impressions matter as much in a poem as anything else – your second line is perfect so it’s a shame the first one falters. Also, where possible, avoid repeating a word (especially instead of a rhyme, as you have with ‘true’) as it takes away from the sense of progression that you have otherwise created really well. Well done!
ReplyDelete