(A teenage boy lays in bed playing with his hair, staring at the blank ceiling in a room on the 6Th floor of a building. The lights out and the only light now is coming from the window.)
Hmm. I wonder if things could have been different. If I done something different. Dad wasn't as bad as mum makes him out to be. I hate the way she talks about him sometimes, yes he was wrong but at least his intentions were good. Maybe I would have been better of staying with him. Maybe... maybe I shouldn't be with any of them.
(A tear drops from his eye. He then gets up and slowly walks over to the window and rests forehead on the cold glass.)
Everything went wrong because of me. Because of me they're now so far away. Because of me every things changed. Nothing seems right, because of me. It seems the world would obviously be a better place without me after all. But then again, I never really volunteered to be born. I Never asked to be in a family, to have a body, to have a life. Besides everything would be better off without me anyway, so whats the point. I might as well not bother with anything anymore.
(Slides balcony door open slowly and walks over to the edge, wind blowing steadily making his overgrown hair move about.)
I miss dad. I wonder where he is now, what he's doing, if he remembers me even. I wonder if I'll ever see him again. I hope he's OK. I hope he's happy. If only mum and dad just got along, life would be so much easier. What ever I do goes wrong. Everything I do is either useless, it fails or ends up negatively. Hmm, I'm not needed here, no-ones gonna miss me if I'm gone. No ones gonna give a shit.
(Leans over balcony edge and falls to his death)
That was really touching.Well done.
ReplyDeleteYeah, i agree with shiningstar, this is very touching and you put lots of emotion in to it.
ReplyDeleteWell done!! xD and yours is much better than mine..:)
Keep up the good work.
Hi Fizzy
ReplyDeleteAgree with the other two bloggers -this is really emotional stuff. I think it needs more work on it to really draw the emotion out. There's lots of questions I was asking whilst reading it. Such as... whose house is he in when he opens the monologue. You say later on in the piece that he has left mum and dad behind. So where is he living now? When he says 'I wonder if things could have been different?' what does he mean by this? What things? And how different? Why wasn't his dad as bad as his mum made him out to be? What did he actually do that made his mum believe this? And what were his dad's good intentions that rescued his reputation in the eyes of his son?
Why does he blame himself so much for their break-up? What did he do that makes him believe he is to blame for all of this?
He seems to be verging on depression when he starts saying 'I never asked to be born...' etc, etc. Why does he feel like this?
The reason I am asking these questions is because of his dramatic response to his situation - he kills himself. For him to get to this stage I think the audience needs to have lived some of that journey with him, and this is what his monologue is for -to show the audience why he tips himself out of the window.
I think if you went back to the text and opened everything up, explored the relationship between his mum and dad, wrote down some of the incidents that your character witnessed (you can do this, just go with seeing them interacting with them!!),exploring why he feels he is to blame, then you will provide little windows into his life, into what happened to him and then we can see for ourselves why he took the drastic action of killing himself.
Really enjoyed the emotional power in it and thought you had a really good chance of building on this.
Hope this helps!
Best wishes
ann g
I reckon this is good as far as it goes - but I think you only scratch the surface of your character's predicament (and their personality), and it ends up a little repetitive as a result. I don't really feel I KNOW them particularly well at the end, other than that they are fed up with their parents and so opt for suicide.
ReplyDeleteBeware of cliche, and strive to find originality in everything you write - both content AND style...