I thank the lord for creating cubid
the creator of love and affection
people mey feel as though I am stupid
hopefully my words will prove correction
love is the answer to our prayers
fulfills my desires that I yearn for
and guards me like a protective layer
resulting in me running back for more
not all love is as it is shown to be
more pain is felt that the true love itself
slowly but surely we begin to see
love comes with pain as the rich come with wealth
so prepare yourself and don't show a frown
as love will surely leave you feeling down.
u r veri intelligent LOL....
ReplyDeletenah seriousli dahz gd =] x
line 3 "mey" MISTAKE :P ... wt apend to rhyming (proply)?... lol ova den daaat... itz alll wiked :D wel dun
ReplyDeleteHey Sadz,
ReplyDeleteThis sonnet, I think, shows a marked improvement! You’ve shown you understand the structure of a sonnet, including the twist for the last 6 lines. The meter and rhythm are a bit inconsistent, but there are some lines that seem perfect:
“resulting in me running back for more / not all love is as it is shown to be / more pain is shown than the true love itself”
These three consecutive lines have great rhythm. Well done!
The first line is intriguing – thanking the lord for creating cupid – because I don’t think of cupid as a lord’s creation. So immediately the poem makes me think skeptically about love, which is, I think, your intention. But the third line “people may feel as though I'm stupid” seems out of place. Perhaps it’s forced because you needed a word to rhyme with cupid? You could consider revising what you mean to say in the first 4 lines.
Thanks for posting! Are you feeling better about writing verse? Let me know if you have any questions.
umm fanx
ReplyDeleteshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhupp fizzy typin error get 2 noe lol
ReplyDeleteAs orange says, some perfect lines here (8, 9 and 14). Can you see what makes them fit the iambic rhythm so brilliantly? If you can isolate that, you should be able to apply the same to the other lines...
ReplyDeleteFor example, in Line 1, an iambic reading of the line would need us to say "CREatING cuPID" - whereas we would ordinarily pronounce it "creATing CUpid". So you can see how it cannot fall where it does in the line. In fact, a trochaic word like CUpid cannot go at the end of an iambic line, as iambic lines need to end with a STRESSED syllable rather than an UNSTRESSED one. How about something like this? "I thank the lord for making Cupid mine." Do you see what I have done there?
So with the second line, "afFECtion" cannot go at the end of an iambic line, as it ends unstressed...
See if you can go through each lines, deliberately over-emphasising the EVEN syllables (2/4/6/8/10) and seeing if it sounds strange. If it does, it needs reworking (like I've done with Line 1); if not (as in Lines 8,9 and 14), then you're there already...
Shout if you need some help - and do try to redraft and post if you possibly can, as it will do you lots of good in the long run... :)