(Sighs, looks down before beginning to talk) 5am that’s when ‘e goes to sleep... after the overdose of sleepin’ pills that is... 6am, guess what that is... that’s when ‘e wakes up (Laughs softly). I never understood why they brought him ‘ere. (Roughly wipes an eye, voice rises) ‘E has no reason to be ‘ere. This damned place made him go nuts (Looks down in anger, Pause, sighs).
(Pushes against ears in anger) Arghhhh... (Gets up and shuts the door)
(Sits back down)I can’t bare the sound of his screams. I’ve been working ‘ere for the past 10 years; but I’ve never before felt the pain of another... never! I couldn’t...I mean... it was part of my job... to ‘ave no feelin’. (Puts head in hands)
I tried to get him out of ‘ere before it was much too late... I nearly lost my job but if that bothered me then I really ain’t human at all! I secretly let him listen to music once in a while... but they caught me out of course.
(Gets up, re-opens the door and sits back down)
(Looks at the door and slowly turns back) Another electric shock or dip in the water I guess... that’s all they ever do in this shithole... ‘Elp people? My foot! They never liked him... Who knows why... maybe it’s ‘cause he was always normal and they couldn’t face the fact that they turned him into a total nutcase!
My last attempt at helpin’ him was useless... (Shouts in anger) you know they tried to f***ing electrocute me! That’s how you know they’re the totally insane... (Calms down and wipes a tear) But I tried to ‘elp him... I honestly did; it’s just... they got to him before me. (Cries) You can guess what they did to him... I could never forgive myself...
(Gets up and walks away crying)
That was so powerful and emotive.Well done!
ReplyDeleteTHANK U :D:D
ReplyDeleteI think this is quite brilliant. Seriously. I am fascinated both by the scenario you paint and the character who narrates it.
ReplyDeleteYou've created and sustained an original, distinct and compelling voice - and your dialect is convincing too.
The only weakness I can find is the ending, which seems something of an anticlimax - or maybe that is just because I was enjoying it so much I wanted it to last for ages. However, a little more narrative meat on the bone of your ending would, I reckon, have made it even better still. Perhaps something along these lines: You can guess what they did to him... I remember the day too well. Grey outside and grey in. (and then give us a few details about what happened, although there is no need to be TOO specific)
Does that help?
Yes sir, but i wanted the reader to keep thinking about what might hav happened to him but i wanna use those lines "You can guess what they did to him... I remember the day too well. Grey outside and grey in." but instead of giving details just... like... leave it :D ina way so it leaves u thinking "OMG". lol :D
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteI think this is super stuff! The voice is completely convincing, although I saw the character as middle-aged rather than young. I couldn't tell you why, though! I liked the character very much.
I was wondering what time period the piece is set in? When the character said that she had let the patient listen to music, I assumed that she meant on a portable device, but the brutality of the rest of the piece suggested that the action was set in an earlier time, before iPods, CD players, or maybe even record players.
Excellent stuff, though. So imaginative and compelling.
Helen
"I was wondering what time period the piece is set in? When the character said that she had let the patient listen to music, I assumed that she meant on a portable device, but the brutality of the rest of the piece suggested that the action was set in an earlier time, before iPods, CD players, or maybe even record players."
ReplyDeleteOMG I NEVER REALISED THAT... LOL THANKS FOR POINTING IT OUT... HMMMMM...
OMG!!!!!!!!! I loved that last paragraph it was really good and I like the way when you ended it and she walks at the end, this was really good and the picure is good as well!!! Well done good work!
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU :D:D;D
ReplyDelete