(a 15 yr old boy, walks down a scruffy road with a school bag slung around his shoulder, he looks into camera as he speaks)
I dont know what I would do without the shuffle on my ipod. Everywhere I go each song seems to narrate what's going on, or what I'm feeling. The perfect example of this is the other day when I was in Liverpool St station and suddenly Hunting for Witches by Bloc Party comes on and then the whole of the station starts zooming around and I feel like I am the only one who isn't zooming around. It's kinda like a score for a film, and you imagine yourself as the protagonist telling a story, soaking up the epic intensity, and as the music reaches its climax and so does the scene and then the next track comes on. So, I guess that its not the music that narrates its the music that changes the way you narrate your own life.
(he turns a corner still looking into camera intensly)
Sometimes if no one's looking I start lip-syncing the song, like in a music video; like Richard Ashcroft in the video for Bitter Sweet Symphony; thats the kinda song that can really make you feel like the main character, sweeping melodies with intense droney vocals. If I am in a really good mood I might even dance a little, like the other week I was walking home and as I passed St. Judes,and the swing version of Smells Like Teen Spirit comes on I start dancing like the Jets and the Sharks in West Side Story, when they are circling around eachother bending over and doing those over the top clicks and turns.
(he turns another corner)
My family have always communicated through music (or puddings), you can tell when my dad is in a good mood because he flicks on Elvis, (Elvis Costello not Elvis Presley) he refers to Elvis Costello as Elvis to signify who he really thinks is the king. I have a theory my dad was like me, y'see Elvis started becoming popular around the time my dad was my age, I think that my dad liked his teenage years and thats why he plays Elvis when he's sad.
(he walks through his school gates)
My mum on the other hand was more of a pudding woman
(he sits on a bench in the playground)
and thats why whenever she was happy or pleased with me she brought home a sticky toffee pudding and ice cream.
(the bells goes and he gets up and starts to walk up the stairs)
Ever since mum pissed off I guess my dad has soaked up her pudding duties,
(he enters his classroom)
he's never really expressed his painful anger towards mum
( he sits down)
the only reson I know that he's sad is because, in the evenings, he sits in front of the computer eating ice cream and listening to Emerson, Lake and Palmer.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteThat's ace. I'm going to pick at grammer bits, and conventions of screenwriting a bit, but above all that you should know that this is an outstanding monologue - well done.
Ok - in the first block you establish the tone really well. Your character's voice is really clear, and that line at the end on 'music that changes the way you narrate' is fantastic. I would have a look at your 'ands' in the bit after 'epic intensity' - either cut the one before 'as the music' or cut the next two, to make it clearer.
Ace references in the second bit. Sometimes it's possible to distance an audience with too many pop culture references, but here it works brilliantly - even if people don't get it, they get that it's a 15 year old speaking, so even if it's nonsense to them it's still a valuable tool of establishing character. Well done.
There's a little thing in the third bit is about conventions of dramatic writing, for stage or screen. Any bit in brackets can be misread as an action, so if you want to have asides, as you do here, use dashes:
- or puddings - (ace detail by the way, and well done not overexplaining it initially - letting the audience wonder about something is a great way to engage with them). Observations on the dad are brilliant.
The only other bit I'd consider is the line 'he's never really expressed his painful anger towards mum.' It seems more scientific than the rest of the monolgue, so maybe shift the tone a bit with 'he never really got angry about mum' or just 'he doesn't talk about what happened with mum much.'
That last line is gold - you tie together the thoughts on the son on his own thinking, and that of his dad's, so neatly. You should be so proud of this. Thanks for writing it, and take care,
Andy
Bit sloppy SPG (Spelling/Punctuation/Grammar) at points, and, whilst this isn't the be all and end all, it DOES matter - added to which, I believe you are capable of producing writing with flawless SPG (and if you're not, then we need to do something about that).
ReplyDeleteAs for the monologue itself, though, I agree with the previous comments: it's compelling stuff. I also agree, however, that the penultimate section seems jarring and incongruous, and at a couple of other times your writing is perhaps a tad self-conscious for a piece of drama (e.g. soaking up the epic intensity).
LOADS of potential here... :)
I really loved this! I thought it was clever and charming (qualities I've noticed before in your work). I felt like I could relate to the voice of the piece because he was intelligent without being cocky, and because he was being honest with the reader/viewer. He confessed to dancing like he was in West Side Story, after all!
ReplyDeleteI also think that the material in the first section concerning the relationship between music, narration and identity was outstanding. Very sharp, almost theoretical. I'm really impressed. Now get the spelling etc. up to scratch!
Helen