I've never had a love like this before
My feelings for him were ever so strong
I've never been in so much shock for sure
Until the day I saw him in a thong
He claimed that it was nothing but a joke
And it was nothing but a bit of fun
The one I love was scaring the old folk
He jumped up and fell flat on his bare bum
But he was so sad and so immature
I told the silly boy we had to talk
I told him I can't take it anymore
Because he kept on acting like a dork
I still love him up 'till this very day
But I cannot handle his childish ways.
Well done, the title grabs your attention and you didn't disappoint when it came to the poem.
ReplyDeleteLots of this is excellent, and spot-on iambically. Especially impressive for your first ever workshop task. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThe following phrases/lines, however, need a little reworking to fit the iambic rhythm completely. It might be worth trying to redraft whilst it is all fresh in your mind, in order that you have it all sorted for when we return to poetry in a few months' time:
Line 2: "were ever"
Line 7: "the old"
Line 8: "and fell"
Line 14: "cannot handle"
Hope that makes sense? Shout if it doesn't! :)
Hello, Care.Bear,
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the blog! I can tell by your sonnet that you’re going to do some excellent work.
I love the sense of fun that pervades this poem. It makes it a joy to read. I also think that you do a great job with rhyme and rhythm. You write confidently and accurately, in a brisk, engaging style. You should be very proud of yourself.
You need to watch your use of tense in the first four lines, I think. At the moment, you seem to flick from the present to the past. The lines ‘I’ve never had a love like this before’ and ‘I’ve never been in so much shock for sure’ appear to be referring to ongoing or current emotions, whilst ‘My feelings for him were ever so strong’ and ‘Until the day I saw him in a thong’ seem to be referring to moments in the past. Do you see what I mean?
Anyway, I’m very impressed. I look forward to reading more of your work soon.
Helen