He gave all the lines and everything.
My Mind in constant thought of what’s ahead,
I never thought of Hatred as anything.
When he did what he did to me back then...
Now Love is no longer a part of me,
His ego was way bigger than Big Ben;
My friends told me he would prick like a bee.
But me being me, I never listened,
I know I was being so, so stupid
But I couldn’t help it his eyes glistened.
Love doesn’t exist... nor does that cupid
And Now Valentine’s Day is almost here,
There is nothing in my eyes but a tear
This has a lot of potential, but I'm a little disappointed that you have not tried to redraft it along the lines I discussed with you when we met to talk about it. It's the iambic meter that is tripping you up in most lines - and yet you are perfectly capable of mastering that, as you should me when we went over your draft here.
ReplyDeleteNot to have updated it according to my suggestions suggests either laziness or stubbornness, neither of which are attractive qualities.
You could be SO strong with all this - but you've got to discipline yourself to aim for the very best, and accept the help you're given.
Sorry to go on - not trying to annoy you, but to get the best from you. :)
lol. i understand sir, and its the 1st one (laziness :D)
ReplyDeleteThen do yourSELF justice by posting a redraft? Have you still got the highlighted copy I worked on with you?
ReplyDeleteHello, TeleTubbiez.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this.
There are some well thought out line endings here – rhyming ‘stupid’ with ‘cupid’ is obviously a Valentine’s Day classic, and I particularly like the fact that your narrator never ‘listened’ because she was so taken in by the way her lover’s eyes ‘glistened’! Besides, it’s always good to spread a little bitterness and resentment at this time of year.
Obviously you know that this needs editing. Writing is a time-consuming activity that requires hard work and effort. You obviously have some natural talent for English, so it would be a real shame if you let your “laziness” get in the way of your abilities! But well done on some nice work, nonetheless.
Helen