He looks at her with disbelieving eyes
He watches her when even he’s not seen
He listens to her indecisive lies
He observes that inside she’s pure obscene
He feels that she does nothing but deceive
He senses that its time he should move on.
His feelings are not clear as they can be,
Perhaps he’ll heed them when she’s far and gone.
Perplexity was simply to be blamed
Which left him to feel nothing but regret
For that soul who played fair in this love game
And in return acquired pure neglect
His comfort words were commonly unique
‘Im sorry’. Oh what words of sympathy.
its my first attempt at this workshop thingy so obviosly its crap lol x
ReplyDeletelol What u on that was wicked sikle i loved it like seriously u kept the flow throughout except the last 2 lines don't rhyme but it didn't spoil it :D:D:D Loved it sooo much... :D
ReplyDeleteHey, Yaz,
ReplyDeleteIt's really obviously not crap - this is awesome. You've counted yout beats really well, you have an some ace rhymes, the metre is perfect as far as I can see, and you use some very cool words (perplexity in particular is very funky iambic stuff - well done).
So, yeah - there's not much room for constructive criticism. 'He looks at her with disbelieveing eyes' is a great opening.
I'd maybe put 'Which left him feeling...' actually, no - 'to feel 'suggests it's still going on, so don't listen to me.
'And in return aquired pure neglect' is also ace.
You deserve be really proud. I look forward to your next peice. Well done, and take care,
Andy
=]
ReplyDeletethank you...
i feel a bit proud of myself now lol x
itss gud mannnnnn PERPEXLITY BANG BANG
ReplyDeletewiked ;) well dun :D u dun nice word usage xD
ReplyDeleteWow. This is fantastic indeed - and all the more so since this is your first workshop task ever. We are really lucky to have you on board! :)
ReplyDeleteLine 4: "observes" is stressed wrongly
Line 10: "feel" should be stressed
Line 11: "soul" and "love" should be stressed
Line 12: "acquired" is only two syllables
Perhaps a bit of tinkering would remedy these slight glitches - but there is no getting away with the fact, as recognised by Andy and the others, that this is phenomenal work! :)
There's always one who has to point out the bad bits init sir =]
ReplyDeleteAnd yes sir you're quite right... you're all lucky to have me on board :] x
Hi Yaz
ReplyDeleteAgree with all the other comments - a very strong sonnet. I liked your use of third person 'he'. This is a brave move, especially when wanting to really engage the reader with emotion. You have achieved this really well, showing us the emotion felt through another person, not the 'I' narrator.
I like the turn of sentiment that begins in lines 10 and 11 when the narrator realises he may have been wrong about his love being false and deceitful, and the final two lines show a wonderful coldness when, despite this realisation, all the vilified love gets is the word 'sorry'.
So well done for a really good posting and am looking forward to reading some more of your stuff.
ann g