I know you said you cared so much for me
But what you did with her, you crossed the line
My heart was locked, and you possessed the key
I wanted to become your valentine...
You thought you saw a tear roll down my face
But you should know, you'll never see me cry.
My tears will fall inside without a trace
It's inside that I hurt, that's where I cry.
Why buy her roses? Better buy a wreath
You'll kiss her lips instead of kissing mine
I'll smile, my feelings buried deep beneath
I wanted to become your valentine...
However hard I try to start anew,
You're holding her, I'm waiting here for you
Hey,
ReplyDeleteThat's ace. Really cool to see that you've taken the time to make it better, cos it did deserve it.
From what I can see it's metrically perfect, and that was the only criticism I had before. This is brilliant. The sentiments are ace, the rhymes works well, and you seem to have completely grasped the from.
Fantastic stuff. You deserve to be proudly smug about this - I look forward to anything else you're working on. Thanks for reworking it,
Andy
thanks Andy xD
ReplyDelete[=
I echo Andy's comments. This is brilliant on two levels: firstly, just because it is a perfect sonnet; and secondly, because you have had the determination and dedication to work so hard (with me AND on your own) to redraft it again and again to perfection.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are as proud of yourself as Andy and I indubitably are. :)
Hi Punk Rock Princess
ReplyDeleteReally excellent sonnet, beat perfect and strong sentiments about rejection.
Liked the wreath mention, the menace of it, and wondered if you could do more with it? He could kiss her cold lips, and it would then seem to suggest something not quite anticipated might have happened to the new girlfriend!! Just a thought, really because of the sense of menace that the word 'wreath' seemed to give this sonnet, as if the last six lines were ripe for twisting in a most unexpected direction...
Loved it tho'!
Best wishes
ann g