My time went by in thoughts of you and me
Our love; we seemed to make a perfect pair
I felt your warmth and love, that was the key
My heart was waiting for; it felt the air
Of love and everything was fine with you
I had no fear and not a single tear
The most extraordinary love, it’s true
But then you left and I was on my own
My heart it felt the pain but still wants you
You’re look it made my heart cold like a stone
I thought we were one soul but now we’re two
I’ll still be waiting, till the day I die
And even after life, it's not a lie.
OMG!!That is such a powerful and emotional poem.Well done and keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteBefore I say anything else that's some awesome work. Sonnets were made for this subject matter, and you've kept your metre and rhymes really solid.
I think 'but you left me' is the only bit that maybe shifts out of iambic - but you've counted the beats well. Maybe just change it to 'but then you left and I was on my own' cos 'left' is a strong sounding word for the rythm.
The only other thing I'd look into would be the tense - when all of this is happening. You make it clear that you're looking back, with 'my time went by' but then 'we seem to make' and 'I feel your warmth' are like it's happening now. It's no big deal - just maybe make them 'we seemed' and 'I felt' if you fancy.
Really, really good. You should be especially proud. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Take care,
Andy
Thank you so much for the comments!! :)
ReplyDeleteI will change the things you told me.
Thanks once again.
SOME BODY WANTED A LONG COMMENT YOUR SONNETS WIKED ;) WELL DUN :D luvd it loadz.. sum wiked emotion init... well dun :D
ReplyDeleteI agree with Andy - this is formidable stuff.
ReplyDeleteYou have created a very sophisticated and powerful sonnet, in which you master the difficult iambic meter nearly to perfection - and even where one could argue you slip up a little, it really could go either way.
This is brilliant. I am so proud to have you on board, and you should be equally proud of yourself.
Keep it up! :)
Well done! You really have got the iambic pentameter down. It's also nice to see you playing around with the format a bit, by using phrases that run over into the next line (eg lines 5-6). I think the point about tense is worth looking at, and also, it's 'we were' not 'we was' (l. 12)
ReplyDeleteGood job!