I once ended a love so true and strong
It was a hot and sad summers night
There was a feel of something bad and wrong
And nothing of the day seemsto be right
And nothing of the day seemsto be right
And now there is this weird feeling inside
As if a guilt, harsh and dark forever
Our precious moments togather are few
Our precious moments togather are few
And i will keep them few close like treasure
Night comes, night goes my thoughts of you just grow
I dream of eyes so bright and comforting
I know that now i love you, just to show
i do, i will ask you; "be my darling"
So please i beg of you to not decline
I do insist, accept my valentine?
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oh just realised im not late :|... lol.... i probly made mistakes with the iambic part... (its complicated stuff)...
ReplyDeleteyh ma wordz wer sik ini lool...
ReplyDeletei like ur last 2 linezz...how sweet lol x
In many ways, I was really impressed by this. As yaz points out, your sentiments are really sweet and powerful, and they make for excellent sonnet-fodder.
ReplyDeleteHowever, your iambic rhythm is a little askew, especially in the following places:
Line 1: "ended" stressed wrongly
Line 2: "sad" should be a two-syllable word
Line 4: "seems to"
Line 5: "feeling"
Line 6: "harsh and dark forever"
Line 7: "together"
Line 8: "few close like treasure"
Line 12: "I will ask you be my darling"
So look closely at where you went RIGHT and where you went WRONG, and please consider a redraft if you possibly can. It will do you good in the long run! :)
Hi Fizzy
ReplyDeleteWhen reading this, I had the strong sense of a really powerful sonnet trying to get out of this draft!! I get the feeling that there is a mixture of a relationship ending at the beginning of the sonnet and a new one beginning at the end of the sonnet. In between is a bit of confusion about what is going on (especially lines 7 and 8.) Is the old love now the new love? Is there a new love?
To make the mood of this stronger, you could separate the sonnet into emotional points. So the first 4 lines have relationship ending and pain. Then the next 4 lines, the acceptance of the end of that relationship and some really deep feelings remaining that will always endure. And perhaps then, the last 6 lines focussing on this new love, this 'valentine'. This should give you a strong framework to really express some strong emotions.
But it really packs an emotional punch and I think you can make this much stronger by paying a bit of attention to structure and looking at the best ways of placing specific emotion.
Some hiccups!! Your second line is only 9 syllables, your second verse 1st line is 11 syllables and in your first verse you have a tense swithch - you go from three lines of past tense to end on present tense. ('once ended', 'I was', 'there was' 'seems'.)Is this your intention?
Really good stuff though, and hope I've been of some help!!
ann g
Hi Fizzy, this is a really good effort. I don’t have much to add to other moderators’ comments about the slipups in meter and syllable count, but also check out the tenses – you begin in past tense and by the fourth line are using present (‘seems’) where it’d be clearer if you used ‘seemed’. In the twelfth line you want a colon or comma, NOT a semi-colon. I like the ninth line a lot. The last line works metrically and in terms of content, except that, think about it, asking someone to be your valentine and in the same breath insisting that s/he accept, is a bit pushy, which sort of affects the tone. Maybe you could tweak that. But an excellent effort overall, very well done!
ReplyDelete