I know you said you cared so much for me
But what you did with her, you crossed the line
My heart was locked, and you possessed the key
I wanted to become your valentine...
You thought you saw a tear roll down my face
But you should know, I never cry.
My tears will fall inside without a trace
It's the inside that I hurt, that's where I cry.
Why buy her roses? Better buy her a wreath
You'll kiss her lips instead of kissing mine
I'll smile, my feelings buried deep beneath
But I wanted to become your valentine...
However hard I try to start anew,
You're holding her, and I'm waiting here for you
Hi
ReplyDeleteyour poem i sreally good i can tell that yours is going to be so much better then mine but i just thought i'd tell you before midnight that a few of your lines have 11 syllables in them :)
sorry to criricise, good luck!!!
*criticise
ReplyDeleteWoot!
ReplyDeleteYou go girl!
This was a really good sonnet!
Hey Punk-Rock-Princess,
ReplyDeleteThis second version works much better than the first version you’ve posted – the meter is nearly flawless and your word choices are more meaningful. You’ve done well in showing how the speaker in the poem masks her true feelings.
A few tweaks to the meter:
-Line 6 is only 8 syllables.
-In line 8, the accent falls on “the,” which doesn’t work, so you could revise this line to: “the inside’s where I hurt, that’s where I cry.”
-In line 9, take out “her” so it reads “Why buy her roses, better buy a wreath.” This fixes the meter, I think, but why would he buy her a wreath? I kind of like this quirky idea and this is a line I find very interesting, but I wonder if you’ve used it only to fit the rhyme scheme.
-Line 12 sounds off, and I think it’s because it starts with “but.” I’d say either get rid of that word, or reword the whole line. Could be something like: “It’s I who wants to be your valentine.” I like how you’ve repeated this idea line 4.
-Line 14 has an extra syllable.
So, very well done overall. Thanks for posting, and I hope these comments are helpful!