The celebration has begun.Trust my family to go for the works on my graduation day.Well that's Asians for you.
Mum is there the tears of joy in her eyes.My grandparents aka extra parents are there smiling at me in admiration for my achievements.Aunties and uncles with my presents.Siblings and cousins up to no good.As always.Well that's my family and I love them.I wouldn't change them for the world.
I wonder what it would be like if my biological father was here.
He'd probably take the glory for himself.
I remember the days when I was a child.The slamming doors.The walking on eggshells.The tension in the air.The days dad used to live with us.
No one really listened to victims of domestic violence then.They wanted everything to be black and white.Must be lots of bruises as proof.My mum lived in silence for ten years but then he really did it.
"Look woman.Whatever I say you do,you understand!"
No comment
"I click my fingers and you run behind me."
"Or what!you think I'm staying silent any longer."
He wasn't expecting that
"You bloody embarrass me in front of my family.You beat the shit out of me.You treat my daughter like shit just because she isn't as close to you as your other 'princess'.Oh and don't forget the time you bloody hit me while i was pregnant with your heir as you say-"
"STOP woman!This is my house and I will do as I like."
"Correction this is my house.Look at all the bills and letters and you will find that it is MY house."
"Well if it is YOUR house you won't need me then wuill you."
"No I won't .Pack your bags and leave me and my children.Don't ever think of coming back into our lives again"
"Fine!But remember this.Without me, you and your children will become nothing.Your daughters will be housewives and your son will be working in Asda or Tesco,putting away people's trolleys and baskets.Remember that"
I remember that night like it was yesterday.I remember having to protect my brother and sister and try to put them to sleep despite the noises coming from downstairs.
I remember the words "Without me, you and your children will become nothing.Your daughters will be housewives.
I remember these words while I'm at my graduation party having graduated and become a Doctor.
This seems to be using a flashback, but consider if there would be more tension in the story if we didn’t know from the start that the narrator has just graduated. Maybe you could just have her family assembling at the start, then the flashback, then the end for more impact. Also, would a victim of domestic violence think of it in that term ‘domestic violence’? Not ‘when my dad used to hit us’ or whatever? It is quite a sociological word, not a particularly emotive or personal one. Maybe it’s worth taking a decision in the dialogue section about whether you want to do it like a script (so we know who is speaking each line, and there isn’t much description or narratorial comment like ‘He wasn’t expecting that’) OR write it like prose fiction with ‘he said’ ‘she said’ here and there so it’s clearer who is saying what. The last line seems to encompass too much narrative time, it might be stronger if you had something like ‘I am a doctor now’ rather than ‘having graduated and become a doctor’ which feels like too much of a fast-forward.
ReplyDeleteNot sure I can add much to what paper scissors stone says here.
ReplyDeleteJust make sure you take on board their comments - as the suggestions they make could turn what is already a good piece of writing into something excellent.
Thank you for your comments ,I will definitely take them on board and improve on my piece.
ReplyDelete