Screams. Screams. Screams. DON'T SCREAM. DON'T SHOUT. DON'T ARGUE. JUST STOP. I don't like it when you scream. WE don't like it when you scream. Evelyn don't cry. It's OK. Big brother Joseph is here. Why are mummy and daddy shouting? I don't like it when they shout. Mummy's so red right now her eyes look like they're about to pop out. Daddy says not to worry and that they're just having a 'heated discussion'. Mummy disagrees and says they're simply arguing and not to complicate or confuse our little minds with such 'complex' words such as 'heated' and 'discussion'. They argue some more. Evelyn cries so more. I cry some more. It's so late at night right now. We should be eating dinner round the fireplace right about now. As a family. A FAMILY.
"MAYBE YOUR WHOLE ATTITUDE TOWARDS ME WAS A FARCE! THE ROMANCE... THE LOVE... THE EMOTION!" shouts mother.
"MAYBE OUR WHOLE MARRIAGE WAS A FARCE!" Father shouts back. I hear a noise. A loud noise. It wasn't a noise of muffled screaming either. It was the sound of the front door going SLAM.
Hi, sugadust.
ReplyDeleteWell done on the task. I like the way that your piece starts with repetition. It gives the impression that this argument has been going on for a while – perhaps there have been rows before, and this is just another instalment in a sequence? The reader is dropped right into the middle of the drama. Your use of repetition runs throughout the piece, and it gives your writing a nice sense of unity. First the word ‘Screams’ is repeated, and later words like ‘cry’ / ‘cries’ and ‘family’ are used in a similar way. This technique is potentially very effective. I use repetition a lot in my own writing.
I also like the fact that the reader gets to hear a few of the adults’ words. Dialogue is a good way to keep a piece of prose interesting. It shows us something beyond what the narrator is feeling.
Sometimes I wasn’t sure how old your narrator was. ‘Big brother Joseph’ seems quite young when he asks ‘Why are mummy and daddy shouting?’, but he seems much more sophisticated when he tells the reader about how his parents talked about their ‘heated discussion’. Have you decided how old he is? It might help to try and imagine what your characters are like before you start writing. I sometimes draw mine.
Anyway, thank you so much for sharing your writing, and well done!
Helen
another short and sweet story.You really managed to get the reader's attention and get them absorbed.
ReplyDeleteI especially like the opening - which is striking in its simplicity - and the ending, which, again, is brutally blunt. Well done!
ReplyDeleteHowever, I agree with Helen about the narrator. It is the tricky thing about first person narrators, that you need to ensure tone, vocabulary and syntax (i.e. sentence structure) are consistent and appropriate to the narrator in question.
:D well done ;)... luvd it loadz (sabzy) nywayz i lyk the way u put emotion into it aswell ;) very goooood :P
ReplyDelete