The Midnight Killer
It was almost midnight. The moon shinning brightly above his head. Walking steadily along Tomswood hill with music pumping loudly in his ears from his headphones. There was sounds of footsteps, of his own but of someone else’s too however he did not take note of them as the sound in his ears blocked out anything else which may have saved his life.
He walked without turning as he believed nothing was there to be feared of and if there was it would be no threat to him. He took a sharp left into the alley way and within a blink of an eye he saw a glimpse of a hideous face and blinked again this time he was being strangled up onto the wall. A sharp metal feeling piercing the skin on the side of his neck. Blood beginning to leak slowly. Now pain flooding in and blood out. The flesh beginning to rip. Silent screams leaving his throat but being blocked by something covering the mouth.
He felt his life being dragged out of him slowly but surely. The killer as if purposely watching the life being sucked out as if he was enjoying the scene, he wanted it to last. His phone hit the ground with a thud and the music burst out loud and clear. The murderer stopped, waited, heard footsteps and ran into the darkness.
The anonymous passer by was now on the floor in a pool of blood lying by his phone which was producing sound surprisingly loudly. The last thing he recalled before his eyes shut and his senses with them, there was a familiar pretty face and a girl’s soft voice saying
“Kurum, IS THAT YOU?!” The last thought which went through his mind; “what a fantastic question”.
There was darkness. He heard footsteps and some voices in the distance. His eyes opened slowly and the light began to flood in, the ceiling was white, so was everything else it seemed. Questions stampeding his suddenly, he looked to the right then to the left it came upon him that he was in a hospital. There was a face to his left staring down at him with a lot love in its eyes.
“Heya Kurum, You better? Are you feeling oryt? Are you hurt? Do you need anyfin? Should I get you a glass of water?”
“Relax!” He interrupted quickly to silence her.
The questions she shot at his ear fast and hard they seemed to dent a different part of his brain each time they came too however the way they came in had some beauty in it, concerned and anxious. After a second or two of getting his brains together I quickly discovered who the girl was. But that wasn’t his main concern at this point.
Kurum could now see with usual eyesight and everything seemed normal except this awkward stiff feeling on the left side of my neck. His memory began to crawl gradually back, he quickly realised what happened last night, he realised what had happened last night. But why?
The doctor walked in, he had a kind but forceful smile on his face. He seemed to be rather exceptional at putting fake smiles on, as he did this one rather well.
“Glad to have you back with us, Kurum.” He said in his deep ordering voice.
“Glad to be back” Kuram replied “doctor, is there something wrong with me?”
Just as he finished his sentence a swift mysterious feeling suddenly rushed through his body, as if to give out a warning.
“Well, the cut on your neck isn’t the regular cut we deal with. It seems it wasn’t a knife, or any object we can identify. Furthermore your skin had sealed the cut up automatically as soon as u fainted and it’s now as hard as rock. Not only that but… there also seems to be something anonymous in your blood. We need to do further testing before we can discover exactly what it is. In the meantime please relax and do not leave the hospital.”
“DOCTOR, will he be alright?!” Cassandra burst out with a hint of a tear in her eye which she hastily smudged away.
“No need to worry my dear, he’s looks fine to me, don’t you agree?” The doctor replied with a wink.
As soon as the doctor turned and walked off the next thing he knew he was in a great big hug involving him and Cassandra, and she didn’t stop anytime soon either.
“Ok, ok that’s enough I’m fine”
“SHUTUP you were gone for so long! Do you know how worried I was?!”
“IM FINE, really, thanks for taking care of me though” And he gave her a soft kiss on the cheek. This seemed to have been the key, as she let him go immediately.
“Thanks” said Kurum
“Your welcome” She replied
“By the way, was it you who found me when I got attacked?”
She hesitated,
“Yep” she replied with uncertainty.
“What the hell were you doing there?”
“I…errr… I… just happened to be passing by”
“AT THAT TIME IN THE NIGHT?! AT THAT PLACE?!”
“… ok well… basically the truth is I followed u… I saw you walk past my house and I told my mum I’m going to get some fresh air but followed you instead” her cheeks were now light red. She looked so cute, I just had to smile.
“Well thank god you did follow me then, otherwise I would have been wearing a black suit with my eyes closed then eh?”
***
11:55 and he couldn’t get any sleep. This urge of running around and doing something dynamic haunting him constantly. The clock struck 12 and suddenly something inside me burst open with fury. It attacked his insides and he couldn’t help but scream out loud. The pain spread around his body fast, he felt something inside himself change. Desperation filled his mind as he frantically tried as many different actions as possible to rid of the pain that tortured him mercilessly but he failed to do so and the pain continued to conquer him and his body continued to change. All of a sudden it stopped, he felt altered, stronger perhaps, upgraded even.
The next morning he woke up back in his bed in the hospital however something had changed, he didn’t feel how he felt two days ago. In fact he felt like a completely transformed person. Problem was… he didn’t know why. Panic steadily arose within him, he looked around hurriedly only to discover that the room was deserted. No one to be seen or heard off anywhere.
He got up, out of bed and walked around. Strangely nothing seemed usually. Once again questions began popping out in his head. Why? What? When? How? Where? He asked himself repeatedly now racking his brain to find explanations however failing miserably.
He sped towards the door and shook the handle wildly. It was locked. Anger mounting up inside him, he screamed out for help but received no reply, he knock the door hard and fast, still receiving no reply, his knocks turned to thumps and soon he found himself in a tantrum. Still no answer to his constant pleading.
He looked around and he found one other escape route, glad to find more hope he quickly relinquished his door plan and moved swiftly on to plan B, the window. The main glitch in plan B was that his room had been built on the 9th floor of the building. However the urge to escape still haunted him madly. He decided he wouldn’t stand around and wait, instead he would go to plan C.
Plan C was quite simply, breaking down the door. Two days ago he would have never even had a thought of trying something so dramatic let alone worrying about escaping in the first place. It seemed something had infected his delicate mind and slowly taken over. Attempt one (a simple run and barge) was a failure yet he tried again, the pain didn’t seem to phase him now, somehow. Attempt 2 (fly kick), like the last attempt he took 4-5 steps back and charged towards the door this time lifting himself into the air (which he found extremely easy somehow) and kicking hard when he thought was appropriate. To his gleeful surprise the door fell flat on the ground alongside him.
Unhurt Kurum rose healthy as ever, and sprinted down the corridor unaware of which direction to go but a feeling inside leading him on, almost like a 6th sense. The hospital suspiciously deserted still. His legs didn’t stop once they reached the staircase instead kept going regardless the fact they had no idea where they were heading. He sensed someone near now, his eye caught a glimpse of a white coat swiftly move down and his ears picked up the slightest sounds of footsteps down below.
“HEY, STOP!” hey cried out helplessly
“WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?!” he added
He got no reply to his ordering questions instead the person seemed to just run faster and faster, even so Kuram didn’t rest. His legs sped down the stairs, he moved like he’d never moved before. While he ran thoughts in his head suddenly occurred one by one, why didn’t he just take the elevators? Why the stairs? Perhaps they weren’t working? When did he learn to run so fast? And why does it feel like he’s being driven by something not himself...
His immense speed proved too much for the poor doctor who was caught with ease. Now was his chance to get answers. But before he could speak;
“PLEASE… don’t… hurt… me…I’m…only…an…old…doctor” The man panted with fear in his eyes.
“What you talking about? Why was a trapped in a room? Where is everyone? What’s wrong with you people? Why were you running from me? Why wouldn’t anybody let me out my room?” Kuram demanded.
“Oh, you don’t know yet, not fully transformed? The reason I ran from you is because last night, at midnight you attacked a doctor and killed her. Its best for me not to tell you all but the reason you were trapped in a room was because you were meant to stay in there until you could control the thing inside you. Obviously it didn’t work.”
“WH… what... ME? I murdered someone? IN MY SLEEP? So what you’re saying is that... I’d been isolated for everyone’s safety? But how’s that gonna help me?!” Rage built up in his veins again; this seemed to be happening a lot now.
The doctor seemed scared and Kuram let him go and he walked hastily out of sight while leaving Kuram to stand there thinking of what next.
Unexpectedly the clock struck twelve and a volcano of fury lashed out from inside him as if it’d been waiting to attack all day. He buckled and found himself kneeling on the floor holding his head in his hands. It all seemed too familiar. He quickly realised it was the same agony and pain he went through last night however this time he’d gotten slightly better at handling it.
He climbed up slowly on to his feet. He felt lighter and so much hungrier, this deadly thirst inside him needed to be attended to urgently. He walked towards the mirror on the wall. What had he turned into? Why did he feel so awkward what’s happened to him? Once he got to his destination he finally realised. It all made sense now. The killings, the blood thirsty feeling, the excruciating pain of every night, the whole hospital fleeing for their dear lives and the reflection in the mirror, which turned out to be; no reflection in the mirror. He’d become a Vampire…
By Faizan Mohammed :P
Faizan im not trying to criticise your piece of writing because i ain't read it cause it's so long i just thought we were supposed to do the maximum of 800 words and yours is 1,962 (just a touch over) lol
ReplyDeleteI guess i'll have to sit down and read it to get the real feel but thats my first inpressions
Good point. Faizan - it would be a VERY good idea to edit this down to around 1000 maximum asap. You can edit the post itself from your blogger dashboard, to save you having to submit a new post altogether.
ReplyDeletePlease do this before anyone else comments on it.
Thanks
Hi Fizzy,
ReplyDeleteThe surprise end of this piece totally worked on me: I was surprised. But I have to say I was also thoroughly confused, not all of which is probably intentional on your part.
Obviously you’re going to have to cut this by about half its length, and before you do, I suggest:
1. Make a list of all the events in the story (eg, Kurum gets attacked; he wakes up in hospital; he meets Cassandra; he escapes; he realises he’s a vampire).
2. Decide how much time you want to spend, narratively, on each bit – which bits are more important than others?
3. Decide whether you’re writing this in the first person (I) or third person (He), because here there are some very weird sentences like the one that goes ‘Kurum could now see with usual eyesight and everything seemed normal except this awkward stiff feeling on the left side of my neck.’ Stick to whichever one you’ve chosen.
4. Be consistent about how you spell his name – it starts as Kurum and turns into Kuram.
5. Make it clear when there’s dialogue, who is speaking – ‘he’ can end up being ambiguous, like in the chase scene.
6. I would take out the UPPER CASE in the dialogue, it looks a bit too exaggerated.
7. The easiest part to cut is probably the escape part, which is quite long relative to the other parts of the story (you could also trim the meeting with Cassandra), I wouldn’t worry, you’ll manage to get it down to about 800 words without any problems.
Don’t worry about having to redraft the piece, that’s what all writers spend most of their time doing (rather than having the original idea or writing a first draft). It shouldn’t take you more than a few hours, and it’ll be easier if you think through the story first in your mind: which are the most important bits? If it were a film, which would be the most important scenes? Focus on them.
Good luck, I’ll look forward to seeing the next version.
Hi Fizzy
ReplyDeleteYes you need to edit it and yes you are going to have to plot line the story so you know what it is you want to write about in each section.
Editing wise, start with unnecessary or over explanatory words and phrases. For example, that whole first sentence of the second para is not needed. Also 'the skin on the side of his neck'. What about simply his neck being pierced? That sort of 'start off' editing, really.
I would say don't let the reader know too early on what is going to happen to the narrator! You let the cat out of the bag a little re his 'death' at the end of the first para.
I like the section when he sees the whiteness of the ceiling at the hospital. Stay with him seeing things and realising through these means where he actually is. And also when the narrator sees the doctor. How does he know the doctor's smile is fake? The 'too knowing' stance of your narrator again gives away the development of the story. Just let him discover things, describe them and for us and him realise what is happening gradually and together.
The same with the feeling that rushes through the narrator's body. Just go with how it feels, not what it intends.
Again, when the feeling invades him in the hospital. Describe how desperation feels in his mind, give us some of the actions he performs to try and get rid of it. This will really give this section a sense of anguish, fear, panic, etc etc, all those feelings we experience when we don't know what the hell is happening to us!!
I found the section when your narrator finds the hospital deserted quite humorous and dry, and loved the physically weak efforts he considered for his escape before finding he could smash the door down with quite superhuman strength. I liked the idea of him chatting to himself in this section. But this section too could be made much shorter and this would give it more intensity. The section where your narrator encounters the doctor can also be edited. The doctor is afraid. He won't want to hang around and have a conversation with a vampire, surely? Although not without looking at a clock first?!
And how about how he finds out that he has been turned into a vampire? Perhaps if he grabs the doctor and sinks his fangs into the doctor's neck, then he will realise!!
And is it only me who thinks Cassandra is a vampire too and it was she who turned your narrator into one?? She sounds guilty!
Best of luck with it, and hope comments useful
ann g
Hi Fizzy
ReplyDeleteAll these comments are very valid and I hope mine don't sound to repetitive coming after them!
I thought the opening to your story was very atmospheric, try to maintain this throughout and don't get too bogged down in explaining details. The key to much good writing is in the way authors show and suggest things, rather than tell.
- Re-read and locate any ineffective adjectives, get rid of them as they can slow the pace and power of writing.
- Try to avoid using cliches, used so much in our everyday speech, they can become boring and show little originality, eg. 'slowly but surely', 'loud and clear'
- Be careful with your depiction of the criminal, is he really a 'killer' or a murderer'?
- Vary your sentence length, there are some great examples of short, dramatic sentences in your writing, eg. 'There was darkness'. Maintain this variation throughout, especially in the final part where Kurum is running, desperate to find answers.
- You shouldn't really use '?!' a question mark is enough as the reader is already aware of Cassandra's passion.
- Remember to avoid using 'u', replace with 'you', also numbers should be written, eg. 'four'.
I think ann g's glimpse of Cassandra's guilt is interesting, perhaps build on this, if she was indeed his attacker it would provide a further shocking dimension to your story.
Maybe the unconscious slips into first person narrative are a hint to what may suit the story better. Try it in the first person (I know its fairly laborious, but editing actually takes up most of a writer's time!) then you may be able to portray his isolation and confusion in the hospital to greater effect.
I hope this helps
Daniella