The story didn't go the way it should have, it wasn't like in the movies. There should have been a warning. The sky should have turned dark and the wind should of picked up, Depressing music should have been playing in the background and I should have walked slower through the woods, I should have paused before walking into the ruins of the factory- to build up the suspense and create tension.
It wasn't like in the movies at all. The sky was a brilliant blue, There was a gentle breeze and the only music in the background was the sound of the childish laughter and screams of joy coming from the nursery down by the river.
She was a selfish, heartless cow and I started to really hate her. I know it wasn't her fault, really. It was that boyfriend of hers, he wasn't as perfect as she tried to pretend he was and he didn't stand by her when it happened.
Of course we where friends before the drama, but you don't remember the good times once hate fills your head. Once everyone is on your side, you can't stop and say "Okay, Im sorry. Let's make up and be friends again and I'll be there for you, like you were there for me." I should have... But I didn't And I wasn't there for her when she needed a friend.
I heard them by the old tire swing near the opening of the woods. We used to have so much fun there.. The swing went so high, you couldn't help but laugh once you got off. The woods were one of my favorite places to be, Even when I moved 2000 miles away, when I came to my Grandma's for the summer, I loved the woods. The memories, the echos of the laughter..
I heard them arguing, I heard him shove her and roar at her like the animal that he was. Through the muffled sounds of her cries I could make out the threat of suicide and his reply of "I dont give a fuck, do it."
My 'friends' laughed. They laughed when I told them what I saw. They said she deserved everything she got after she abandoned us like that.
"Friends don't just leave you for some stupid guy" they said.
"What did she think was going to happen, she gets knocked up and he stays with her and the baby for ever?"
Of course he wouldn't. She was stupid to think he would, blinded by that sickening disease people call love...
Guess what I did? Not wanting to feel bad about not going after her, and not wanting to look like I care; I laughed too. An empty laugh.
Going home that day, I took a shortcut through the woods and something caught my eye inside the 3 walls and ruins that we still referred to as 'the factory'. My curiosity got the best of me and I went to have a look.
It wasn't like in the movies at all. You see, in the movies, the actors, they never get it quite right. They neck isn't actually snapped and they aren't actually stone-cold dead. In the movies there isn't as much blood all over the walls and floor or, there is too much. In the movies the rope they use isn't the one you held on to and laughed while sitting on that tyre swing you loved so much as a child...
I broke down, and just sat there staring at her. It wasn't the dead fetus hanging off her that got to me the most though, it wasn't even the sound of blood dripping off her corpse. It was the sadness in her eyes. Those eyes that haunt my dreams and make me re-live that moment every night. Those eyes that make me feel more guilt then you can imagine.
I am forever condemned. I don't hear the echos of laughter in those woods anymore. The woods forever mourn the loss of an angel. My friend..
Hello Punk-Rock-Princess,
ReplyDeleteI really like how you begin describing the scene by what was not happening (“not like the movies,” “the sky should have turned dark”) – a unique approach to description. I also like how you come back to this description at the end of the story. It gives the story a good sense of continuity – makes the beginning connect to the end and feel like a complete story.
I also enjoyed the last sentence in the first paragraph: “…the only music…was the childish laughter and screams of joy…” because it connects to what you wrote earlier about expecting to hear “depressing” music and makes the scene feel eerie.
Also related to “depressing” music, I think that is one place you could use more description. Instead of telling us the mood of music you’d expect to hear, give us a specific example of a song or an artist that you consider depressing. Details like this help make your story more vivid and unique.
I’d liked to hear more about “the factory." Sounds like an interesting, mysterious place and I’d like to know more details. Did your narrator and her friend spend a lot of time there? What did they like to do there? What does it look like? How do they know about it?
Slow down with the description at the end about the narrator’s friend. I'm not entirely sure whether the friend hung herself with the ropes of their childhood swing (which was a great detail, by the way) or if the friend cut herself and ripped out her baby’s fetus. Or was it the boyfriend that killed her, and not a suicide? What you have is good, by I’d like more details!
I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions.
Keep writing!
I think the most effective thing here is the juxtaposition of movies and reality, and I think you manage this very well - both at the start and the end of the piece - so I agree with Orange on that.
ReplyDeleteAlso, like Orange, I think your pace is, at times, too fast, leaving us a little behind. However, I kind of like the way you describe the body at the end: "It wasn't the dead fetus hanging off her that got to me the most though, it wasn't even the sound of blood dripping off her corpse. It was the sadness in her eyes." Leading us via the gorier details to the sadness in her eyes is very effective, and has that cinematographic style which permeates the whole piece.
Hey, Punk-rock-princess,
ReplyDeleteI thought that was well written and it kept me gripped. I like how you work with memories. The use of the tyre swing and the inclusion of the children's laughter is cool. It plays well on the past of the narrator and the idea of a lost child.
If you wanted to you could include some other images or anecdotes of loss, just to reinforce that idea. It's not so much that you need to though, just if you wanted to play around with what you have.
Maybe watch out for little mistakes in grammer; I wont be picky because I know you'd get things like this in a read through, but for example : 'They neck isn't actually snapped' - watch the 'they' there - it's scary.
I'd agree that there's some things you could flesh out there, like the ending, but overall this is a very controlled piece of writing. Well done and take care,
Andy
Thank you [=
ReplyDeleteYeah, shoulda read through the spelling mistakes and that...
And it was ment to be her hanging herself at the end... not like ripping the fetus out 0.o
(Would anyone in their right mind do that?!)
But yeah, I should of made that clearer I see that now..
Anyway, thanks again [=