"...You never look after the children!" 15-love.
"I never look after the children? Well maybe that has something to do with the fact that I work my arse off day in and day out unlike some!" 15-all.
"see here we go again, you always put work before the family!" 30-15.
"And what? You think I'd like to hop on a train every bloody morning and to be put under the watchful eye of my boss and have him breathing down my neck?" 30-all.
"As a matter of fact I do. Because while he's supposedly breathing down your neck during work hours, he's bloody on top of you in your lunch break!" 40-30.
"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"You know exactly what I mean. Late nights out, working late. You can't hide it from me, from us anymore"
"Well, that has to be your guilty conscience, or have you forgotten last year?" Deuse.
"I thought we wern't going to discuss the past anymore 'coz I could bring up a whole load of stuff about you, besides it was a misunderstanding with your mother" - advantage. "Just remember how I've helped you" Game. Only it isn't a game, it's real life. Dad walked off and mum sat back down at the table, sobbing, her eyes blinded by tears.
Everyone knew what mum was up to, they just couldn't bring it up - well not until now. We wouldn't know where to start. "Hey mum, you know Eric, the one your secretly having it off with behind dad's back? well, when can we meet him? Can he come in for a cuppa???" That wouldn't pan out to well. And anyway, turning a blind eye just made it easier for us all. We could enjoy pretending to be one happy normal family. Although I wanted to take my dad's side and question her 'til the cows came home, I couldn't. So i simply put my arm round her shoulder and hugged her. It wasn't her fault dad went out a lot, and didn't shower her with attention, it just wasn't him. He wasn't Romeo-like, he never did a romantic thing in his life. Even flowers still had the tesco value sticker on, revealing the slashed price. Fish and chips was his speciality, and a romantic gesture from him would be a chinese from Woo lot down the road. Soppy cards reading "roses are red, violets are blue, you are like honey and I love you" just wern't cutting it anymore. So it was understandable that Eric, who left her secret coded messages and bought her champagne, had swept her off her feet almost immediately.
Trouble was, where did all this mess leave me?
like the prose! (trys to sound intelligent) when i read this it seemed as if this task came natrually to you. the layout was fresh and well-executed, the refrences to the scores after every quote gave it pace and competetiveness and to top it all off the use of all these themes and many more finishes off that effortless apperance. (realises hes just missed the point and shuts up lol). KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK lol. x
ReplyDeleteI think the tennis game provides a highly effective vehicle for exploring this family conflict, and you capture the vernacular of arguing parents very effectively indeed. (It's not always easy capturing dialogue effectively, but you do.)
ReplyDeleteAs for the second half, you are at your best when retaining your originality ("Even his flowers still had the tesco value sticker on" is absolutely fantastic!), as opposed to when you succumb to cliche (e.g. "til the cows came home"). And I wonder whether the whole thing might have worked better in the present tense, as that might have fitted more neatly with the tennis scores earlier on.
Dear J,
ReplyDeleteI’m impressed! This is a good, original concept, and you make it work. The angle you come from, recording conversation like the commentator for a competitive sport, is effective, and you have made it particularly challenging by leaving out any narration, i.e. letting the dialogue stand entirely alone. You are forcing yourself to convey three different characters very economically: the mother, the father, and the narrator, who reacts to the argument with only their ‘scoring-card’ attitude. This already builds up an idea of the narrator as someone familiar with these arguments, who is using a kind of cynicism to keep their emotions at a distance. Because these little comments are internal, not part of the dialogue, for the reader only, it brings the reader closer to the narrator and we immediately feel on their side, sympathetic to their situation.
Often, using this kind of ‘concept’ approach (eg writing like a newspaper headline, or like a recipe, or like a knock-knock joke, or whatever) to tell a story can feel too much like a gimmick, and sounds awkward or overdone. But you use it very naturally and with confidence, and it feels fresh and witty.
I think the dialogue style, although it’s good, could be improved. As I said, it’s a real challenge bringing the reader in with no introduction and getting them to understand what’s going on and what these people are about, without any descriptive or narrative filler between the dialogue. I think maybe because of this you’re trying to give the reader ‘too much help’ in the dialogue itself: they explain very clearly what their problems are, and talk in mostly full, coherent sentences. Conversations, especially rows, tend to be more choppy and illogical than this, without much use of logical ‘linking’ words like ‘well’ or ‘because’ – people just fire things off at each other. Also, I think for this kind of angry conversation, you could afford to use more italics if you want, to show the kind of exaggerated emphasis people use when they’re angry. E.g.
‘I never look after them? I never look after them? I have to work! Day in, day out, unlike some people, I work my arse off – what do you expect?’
This sort of thing, to my mind, is a more disjointed, and more natural way of arguing. (And one other small thing as regards the dialogue: always start a new sentence with a capital letter, like you do in normal narrative.)
I like your use of small details in the second, narrated, half – eg the tesco value sticker, it’s a really good touch and makes things come alive. Be careful to get your narrator’s emotions/loyalties straight though: ‘It wasn’t her fault dad went out a lot and didn’t shower her with attention, it just wasn’t him’ – ‘it just wasn’t him’ sounds like you mean it isn’t the dad’s fault, instead of, it isn’t the mum’s fault. At first the narrator sounds like they’re just curious about Eric (‘can he come in for a cuppa?’), then ‘wanted to take the dad’s side’, then kind of gives out about the dad but seems to say it’s not his fault. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fine if the narrator has confused or mixed emotions, that is normal and gives characters depth – but as a reader we need to feel that these emotions are clear to us, that they are presented to us in a way that makes sense.
Overall, as I say, I’m impressed – your style is sharp and imaginative, and you phrase things well. Keep it up!
By the way, I just realised my italics didn't show up on that post! The example I was trying to give (I hope it works this time)was:
ReplyDelete"I never look after them? I never look after them? I have to work! Day in, day out, unlike some people, I work my arse off – what do you expect?’
Sorry about that!
thank you Claire_a :)
ReplyDelete