Spears of rain pummelled the window, the deluge sounding like feet thundering down the road, and a thousand tiny arrows hitting a corrugated iron roof all rolled in to one, and being unleashed in one continuous ear-splitting wave.
Of course this loud outbreak of noise from the rain sounded like a small trickle to my ears. What really hurt my pale and transparent ears were the two women arguing downstairs. They were arguing about who was to have the pet dog. I rolled over in my sleeping place trying to get back to the eternal peace of a ghost sleep. I’d nearly dropped back off the pitch blackness just brushing my fingertips when,
“OI! Don’t turn your back on me!”
rose up through the floors and slamming into me and propelling me away from my peaceful sleep.
I glided downstairs invisible and hovering approximately 10cm from the ground to see who these two people were and why they were arguing. My pellucid body barely visible at all in the bright light. Suddenly for no apparent reason the dog lying at the bottom of the stairs started to bark and growl as if an intruder was trying to come in. Its fur practically standing vertically on end, and its barks were the warning sort. Loud and meaningful. The two women came to see what had made the dog start to bark. As there was nothing to see they soothed the dog by petting it and whispering kind words to it. Once the dog was calm they continued with their argument. By now I had named the two women. One I had called Frizzy because of her springy and buoyant hair. The other I had named Slippers because of her thick and woolly slipper socks.
“I hate you so much!” Frizzy was shouting when I glided into the room.
“To tell you the truth I stopped caring ages ago” Slippers said this with complete calmness, and with an artic wind. From this I guessed they had moved on or sorted out who was to have the dog, and now they were arguing about something totally different.
“You never listen to me! You always manipulate my words so they fit to your liking! I absolutely ha….” Frizzy stopped in mid sentence. While they were busy squabbling I had crept up to the glass of wine that was resting on the table and flung it across the room. It flew through the air like a golden eagle and smashed into the clean white wall painting red wine all over it. They were both speechless.
“Arhhhhhhhhhh! This place is haunted! I’m not staying in this freak house for another second!” screamed Frizzy.
With that she bolted for the front door and dashed out of the house.
“Finally!” I thought as I drifted back up stairs avoiding the dog that was sleeping on the top step stretched out like a barrel. I glided swiftly up through the ceiling to my little sleeping space and promptly fell asleep.
A highly original narrative approach - a spectral narrator! - and your impersonal description of the two women downstairs is often really effective, especially when you even give them nicknames.
ReplyDeleteHowever - and maybe your guest moderators will disagree with me here, when they read and comment soon - the whole piece builds up a tension and sense of expectation which is never satisfactorily resolved. I keep thinking the narrator is going to have something to do with - some link with - the two women; that the family conflict downstairs has some significance for the ghostly narrator - and so the ending is something of a disappointment, rendering the story little more than a story (albeit originally told) of a haunted house.
Hey, E10_ghost_rider
ReplyDeleteFirstly comparing the glass flying through the air to a golden eagle is a great simile. It's really exaggerated and, if this is ok to say, fun. I liked that a lot.
You have a very engaging narrator, and I'd like to know more about them. In any story it's great if you can have something that speaks about a character's identity, so if you can work in something personnal in this event, something that makes it mean more to the narrator - maybe it reminds them of their life, or something about the lack of purpose in being a ghost - it would be cool.
Really that's just following through your own logic - you already have an ace character, and a context that works very well, it just might be even better to place some meaning in why the ghost is telling this story, so why they are as they are, or why that place means soemthing to them.
You write in an engaging and fun tone, and I look forward to reading more of your stuff. Take care,
Andy
Thx 4 da gd comments next time ill try to put more detail like that
ReplyDeletein2 ma work :)