His eyes were shining bright like the stars in the mysterious dark sky. It was the only thing that I could recall from last night. I don’t know what happened after. Slowly my eyes started to open, and I found myself to be in a room; you would never guess who was staring at me. I thought to myself, I must be in heaven. “Are you feeling alright” he said. I saw the worried look in his face; I think there were tears in his eyes too. I realised that I was in some hospital and the doctor came in to check on me. The thoughts that were running in my mind were unbelievable. He left his scarf lying next to me and went away before I could say anything.
2 weeks later. At the hospital was the last time I saw him. I wonder where he is now. I don’t really know him, yet he is so close to me and is the only person in my mind. Nothing else matters but knowing that we could never be together kills me. I’m going to be in a grave sooner or later, so why fall in love now? I just didn’t understand and neither was I sure if I was really in love or what. Images of him kept flashing in the back of my mind, especially his shining bright eyes: that was a treasure I would bury in my heart forever. I was way too tired to be thinking about all this so I went back to bed.
The sun was shining in the wonderful blue sky. Days and days went by but still no sign of him. Looking in the mirror, I could see my eyes had gone red because I hadn’t been able to avoid crying myself to sleep last night. All this was definitely getting too much for me. I just had to see him one more time and let him know how I felt about him. I couldn’t keep it inside me for much longer or else it would be too late. Most of my time was spent listening to love songs or writing poems; it’s not like there was any meaning to my life. Expect one and that was the love I had for him.
There was a knock at the door and it felt like I was going to get the second biggest shock in my life. “Come downstairs, there is someone who wants to see you,” shouted my mum. I thought to myself if only that was him. I wished it was but that wish could never come true. Still with the hope that I wanted the person to be him, I slowly went downstairs. To my surprise there was a tall boy standing at the door, wearing a black t-shirt and jeans. He turned out to be my one and only love’s friend; he had sent him to me so that his friend could give me a letter. Why didn’t he just come himself? That was the question in my mind. But I was so excited that I didn’t really care about that for now. I ran to my bedroom as fast as I could and sat on my bed.
I was shivering so much that the letter nearly fell out of my hand. But I got it open at the end, just couldn’t believe it and when I started to read it, tears fell down my cheeks.
Hi…
Sorry for leaving you without saying anything last time but I had my reason. Hope you are feeling better now and I need to tell you something really important; can’t keep it inside me anymore, it has been haunting me ever since I met you. I just wanted to say that if possible would you please meet me by the park, near the lakeside tomorrow at 2pm. I really need you and I know we just met for a little while but it feels like we have known each other for years.
Hope to see you there. Love Jay.
Did he love me too? Emotions were flooding in me like a river. I stayed up all night and watched the stars in the sky, ‘will tomorrow ever come or will I be gone by then?’ No one can understand the pain I am going through right now. I was going to tell him that we can’t be together because before anything can happen, I’ll be in heaven by then. My heart was broken but I couldn’t bear the fact I was going to break his.
Jay didn’t seem to be happy though. Silence surrounded him like a spider’s web. Every morning he would go to the lakeside and sit there. As if his life ended. Love can be so painful...so cold.
very well write? :P
ReplyDeleteHi Angel
ReplyDeleteIt's an interesting idea you've got here, and there's good potential. My tips are in some ways similar to those I would have made on your last assignment, I think.
1. Write in scenes: Let the reader have a picture in their minds, a 'peg' to hang the narrator's thoughts on. If you just narrate a sequence of thoughts, it begins to sound like a diary entry. Some very good writing is done AS IF it were in diary form, but these are actually very cleverly constructed and are NOT in fact at all like 'real' diaries.
2. Show, don't tell. You've probably come across this before, it's one of the 'golden rules'. Don't tell the reader 'I was so excited' if you can SHOW us it instead, by actions, dialogue, etc.
3. Avoid cliche. Be aware that as your storyline is very romantic, you have to be EXTRA careful not to let it sound over-the-top or 'Hollywood' - avoid things like 'that wish could never come true' or 'my one true love' or 'I was in heaven'...anything your reader is used to hearing in movies will not sound 'fresh' to them, and you want them to hear YOUR voice, YOUR way of expressing things, which IS fresh.
4. Think hard about the 'scope' of your story. These are VERY big events you are putting into a very short piece of writing. 1.Death of a very young person 2. Falling in love for the first time 3. Sacrificing that love. Whole novels have revolved around any one of these three topics. My worry is that it will seem like you are 'skimming over' things emotionally because there is SO much going on and you don't have that much space to say it.
An interesting exercise for you might be to try and write a whole piece based in ONE scene only - with some flashback if you like, but basically just describing ONE encounter or event, and really focus in on that...use detail, use the surroundings...see what happens!
Good luck& keep going
Claire
So sweet.Well done!
ReplyDelete