money.the amount of hate i have for that. i don't understand what people love about it. what pleasure and good does it bring to them? every bloody evening they fight over over it. i thought my dad was going to tear my mum's hair out today, that's how serious their arguments have become. they do this all the time. they fight over the littlest of things, always causing problems for me and my younger sister. it's always us that has to suffer in the end. always us that are forced to stay up at night not able to sleep because of all the sceaming and shouting. we use to stay up at night hoping and wishing that they will stop, stop bloody fighting. why can't they just stop?
today dad came home and they were at it again. for hours they were screaming and shouting at each other, but today they just went too far.he exceeded the limit. i
think my mum was actually bleeding. when i saw her it felt like my heart was being ripped out of me. i couldn't belive he would go that far. i couldn't even look at him, he knew what he had done was that horrid. he couldn't even face looking at the pain and damage he caused my mum and us. he just walked out in the end. out of our lives, all because of money. money.... yeah, that really doesn't give you pleasure i know that better than anyone.
Well done Sadz.I really liked the theme that you chose and how your story was built upon that theme.
ReplyDeleteHello Sadz,
ReplyDeleteYour opening sentence, a single word – “money” – is effective for me because it is a very loaded word that can mean many different things to many people. You quickly tell us what it means to your narrator. It’s also good that you ended the story by talking about money to bring your readers’ focus back to the problems money causes.
I can tell that your narrator is upset about the violence between his parents. By asking “Why can’t they just stop?” shows the narrator’s urgency, innocence, and worry.
What lacks in your story are details. Give me more description! I’d very much like to hear pieces of the parents’ arguments – what do they say? What do their voices sound like? How do they look when they’re arguing? Do they argue because they don’t have enough money or because they have too much money? Who starts the arguments? These are just a few of the questions you could use to begin adding details.
In the second paragraph you wrote “mum was bleeding.” Give more details about this – what part of her was bleeding? How much blood was there? What does the wound look like? How does she react to the injury?
When you’re writing, keep asking yourself questions like these, and they will help you to describe your characters and setting with more details that will help your stories come to life.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions.
Keep writing!
Like Orange, I think that starting with a one-word sentence works really well. And I am also impressed by your attempt to frame the piece with references to money, as it gives your writing shape.
ReplyDeleteNot sure why you appear to have abandoned capital letters though (!), and I think Orange's pleas for more detail are worth following, as I think you leave a little too much to our imagination.