Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
When the children were tucked up with care
A problem between their parents began to stir,
‘Your good for nothing, cold as the wind that blows’
‘You cannot repay me the personal debts you owe’.
As the snow started to fall it blanketed the world from the heated debate
But as the clock struck ten the argument reached its fate.
‘It can’t end this way’ he howled, but it came to no avail
‘You cant leave me! I’m much too frail!’
With bags in hand she braved the snow,
Twas only now that heart rates began to slow.
With his head in his hands he began to think,
Think of the times he had pushed her to the brink.
It was only now that he could understand
How all he used to do was command.
All the more he sat there, it became clearer
Whose heart he valued all the more dearer.
As the clock struck eleven all were at rest,
Heads down. Lights out. Asleep in their beds
They were still unaware of the forthcoming quest.
As Father Christmas swooped above their heads.
Now Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring.
Not even a mouse.
loliez hey urz iz rele good nd yh i cn undastand y it cud b misinterpreted as anuva poem lol :) dnt woz doh its a really different way of tellin da story. i also lyk the way you've made it seasonal with the xmas theme x
ReplyDeletethanx appriciate the comment ... more please. lol
ReplyDeleteI like your poem it was reli good i like how you went with christmas (YAY 4 MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!) And I reallly like teh pic you had wit the stockings and the fire. very cute. Well I really like it is what i mean, I didnt spot anything wrong but yeah, you catch my drift!
ReplyDeleteannonmous
Sorry about all the wrong spelings (sticky keyboard!)
ReplyDeleteWow.That was really good.A really clever way to tell the story.
ReplyDeleteHello Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteIt was a good idea to turn a well-known poem into your own by using its rhyme and meter patterns. I think that’s challenging to do, and a unique way to put a twist on your story. It’s also a very appropriate poem to use at this time of year!
The lines “You’re good for nothing, cold as the wind that blows / You cannot repay the personal debts that you owe” are the first lines that really grab my attention because they are the first ones that significantly differ from the original poem. It’s shocking because I don’t expect it, and I like that. I like the use of the simile “cold as the wind that blows” because it describes one of the character’s personalities as well as describing part of the scene (I assume because it’s Christmas Eve, it’s probably cold outside).
One thing I noticed were occasional changes in your rhyming scheme. For example, in the first stanza, care and stir don’t rhyme. Also in the third to last stanza, you didn’t use rhyming couplets like you had for the rest of the poem. Sometimes it’s ok to change the pattern in rhyme or meter when you want those words or phrases to stick out more than others. In your story I think it’d be better to keep it consistent because instead of enjoying the content of the story right away, I'm distracted by the change in pattern.
Because your first two and last two lines are exactly as they are in the original poem, I would suggest that you tweak them slightly so they aren’t exactly the same, which will help add more originality to your poem. For example, you could say something like, “Twas the night before Christmas and all through the flat/ Not a creature was stirring, not even Aunt Pat” – or something like that. You could even change “Christmas” to some other holiday or event, although that’s not necessary.
I hope this is helpful. Let me know if you have any questions about anything I’ve written.
Keep writing!
thanks for the comment, i realise now the task was actually all about original writing and in fact i wasnt original (oops). For the rhymes i see where i went wrong and for the overall produt you only get out what you put in :-)
ReplyDelete*product, sticky keyboard :-)
ReplyDeletePerhaps the most original attempt at this task of all - and for that alone you deserve to be very proud.
ReplyDeleteI am particularly impressed by how hard you try to stick to the rhythm and rhyme of the original, yet subverting the content to your own ends.
That said, there are LOTS of useful comments from Orange which you would do well to take on board. Remember that 'constructive criticism' (the likes of which the guest moderators are providing) is actually more useful than any praise I might lavish, but ONLY if you think long and hard about everything they say.
hi there carlsberger, and merry christmas!
ReplyDeleteonly just got around to reading this (sorry for the delay, was busy stuffing myself and falling asleep in front of the telly), and it feels odd reading "night before christmas" stuff that bit late - whatever, it's a really good idea, taing the time of year outside this blog, the classroom, wherever, and making it part of your work. I think it's a good way of connecting what risk becoming artificial exercises to the real world, and to your own experiences.
The other reason this worked for me was that it took something which is originally a bit twee or cheesy ("The Night before Christmas" poem) and gave it a much harsher twist -this was great.
Given the next task is about metre (eeeuuccchhh...tough one...), you need to look carefully here at where the metre blips (Orange made some good comments), and sweep it up a bit for the next one..
Looking forward to seeing it.