I think she thought she played me, But who turned out to be the lucky one; who has the children, who ended up with the money, who has the new and definitely improved wife. I know it’s not her, God knows where she is, probably half way around the world in a dustbin. Your probably wondering who I’m talking about or what I’m talking about…satin, otherwise known as my ex wife she was the salt in my coffee, the sugar on my chips, the pepper up my nose she was my anomaly. Until the best thing in my life happened, SHE LEFT.
It all started with her ridiculous argument; “Darling I don’t think we should move house, I like it here” she said after somehow persuading me to put the down payment on a £250,000 house, so me being the lovely husband I was I replied “Sugar Muffin, we put the down payment on the house yesterday but I’ll see what we can do tomorrow” so the bitch replies “Tomorrow, but baby I want to sort it out now” so I reply “Honey drop the estate agent is closed now I can’t do anything until tomorrow” that’s when it turned nasty she dropped the darling and the baby and replaced them with stupid little twit and ugly bastard ( I know, it’s a very big leap ain’t it ). By the time the argument had finished she had accused me of killing her slowly, cheating on her and apparently it was my fault that there was no world peace and to top it all off to put the cherry on top of the cake our children were sitting with us on the wobbly unclean dining table watching with disbelief as their mother gradually turned into the hulk.
And then after getting a “touch” angry she patted the children’s heads and said to them “It’s not mummies fault that daddy doesn’t make her happy.” I sat there and watched as she tried to convince our children that I was Dr. Evil and she was just a female Austin Powers, but obviously it didn’t work so she packed her Luis Vuitton luggage set and headed off, and I’ve never seen her since but I’m not complaining as I said; who turned out to be the lucky one, who has the children, who ended up with the money, who has the new and definitely improved wife. I know it’s not her, Because she’s gone trust me she’s gone far.
Hi, Shani.
ReplyDeleteThere are some really lovely moments in this. I loved the humorous touches, such as the exaggerated pet-names – ‘Sugar Muffin’ and ‘Honey Drop’ indeed! There’s a wonderful cynicism and anger evident in the narrator’s voice – I particularly liked the moment in the final paragraph where he quotes the inappropriate comments his wife made to the children! I also think that choosing to write this from the adult’s perspective was very brave. It’s obviously an imaginative leap to put yourself in the position of a twice-married father. The fact that the voice works so well speaks volumes about the quality of your writing. Well done.
There are a couple of grammar issues. In the first paragraph, you use ‘your’ instead of ‘you’re,’ and you miss out question marks. I know it seems really boring, but getting spelling and punctuation right can really influence the impact of a piece of writing. It’s like when you spot a spelling mistake in a newspaper or magazine – your eye is drawn to it, and it distracts you. Anyway, this kind of issue is easily rectified by thorough proof-reading. It’s not a big problem at all.
I have a few comments about the other stuff that you recently posted, too – the poems. Your work is imaginative, with a strong sense of rhythm and rhyme (although ‘paddle’ doesn’t quite work alongside ‘candle’ and ‘handle’ in your piece on friendship). The hate, love, and need poem (or poems?) was really very good, I thought – funny, clever, and charming. ‘I hate you like Charley now hates her “fame”’ was a particular high-point for me, as was ‘Like cameras love exotic places.’ The limitations of the form have clearly pushed you to be inventive.
I do think that the ‘I hate you like Nazi’s hate Jews’ line is perhaps out of place here. It feels a little flippant, positioned as it is within an otherwise light-hearted piece of work. I’m sure you know that it’s a potentially controversial issue. Sylvia Plath is a complex, amazing poet, and she got a bit of stick for using concentration camp imagery in her poem ‘Daddy’. Just something to think about. Overall, I’m very impressed.
Keep up the good work!
Helen
I really liked your piece.I liked the way that this time it's the dad that has the children and the money instead of the mum.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing I liked was how you introduced the story and how you ended it and the similarities it had.
Keep up the good work!
Hi Helen
ReplyDeleteThank you for your constructive criticism. Grammar has never been my strong point but i am working on it at the moment. and about the nazi's and jews line in my poem i thought to myself that it wouldn't be offensive because it's the truth and thats what i thought poetry was about. But anyway thanks for the praise and criticism i will take it into play.
Shani
This appears a real leap for you, shani - a really mature and well-developed piece of writing, in which you really seem to have found your voice. Your narrator is very convincingly portrayed, with a wonderfully caustic wit and sarcastic tone, and when I was trying to compile a list of my best bits, there were simply too many to count.
ReplyDeleteIt would need some development and redrafting, and wait and see what the other moderators say first, but it might be worth considering submitting this as an additional attempt at your GCSE Original Writing. Just a thought...
I think what this DOES prove, however, is that your place on the workshop is not only completely secure but also thoroughly deserved. :)
Hey, Shani,
ReplyDeleteThat's the first piece of yours I've read. I really enjoyed the metaphors you have there - the 'pepper up my nose' and the 'sugar on my chips' especially were well used, different, and fun. I like that you've thought through original figurative language instead of resorting to stock figures of speech.
I like the dialogue too, and the overall sense that I'm being spoken to by your narrator. The bitterness especially is very strong. If you wanted to - and this is just a suggestion if you wanted to play around with what you have here - you could put some variation into your dialogue tags - so instead of 'I replied' try 'retorted' or even just'said'.
Good work weaving bits of pop culture into your metaphors too - I liked your Dr Evil comparison.
There are some points of grammer I'm sure you could consider after a read through, but I know some of the other advisors have already focused on that and it was nothing that got in the way of my understanding. Hope some of this helps; I've enjoyed reading your stuff and I look forward to the next task. Take care,
Andy