That place will always, always be in my heart, Where the sky and land never part. And the moon shines so bright, On a calm and peaceful night. And as day breaks, I go by the lakes. I love the calm, On that farm. So peaceful, So beautiful.
Good attempt, but you're not quite there with the whole 'iamb' thing.
An iamb is a dee-DUM foot - e.g toDAY. (As opposed to a trochee, which is a DUM-dee foot - e.g. PRINcess.)
And so each of your lines should consist only of iambs.
Then you needed to make sure that Lines 1-2 had 5 of them (5 iambic feet), Lines 3-4 4 feet etc. until Lines 9-10 have 1 foot each.
If I write out a couple of lines from your poem again but putting the naturally stressed in CAPITALS, you will see what I mean. Each line SHOULD begin with an unstressed syllable (i.e. NOT capitals) and then alternate until it finishes with a stressed syllable (i.e. CAPITALS).
This is how yours is at the moment: Line 1: "that PLACE will ALways ALways BE in my HEART" See how you have just one too many syllables here. The first four feet are perfect, but then your final foot is dee-dee-DUM as opposed to dee-DUM. This would have been better: "That place will always always clutch my heart." Do you see what I mean?
Line 7 = perfect; but Line 8 is missing that crucial first unstressed syllable. As it is, you have DUM dee-DUM - but lack the first dee. "Whilst on that farm" would have been perfect?
Good attempt, but you're not quite there with the whole 'iamb' thing.
ReplyDeleteAn iamb is a dee-DUM foot - e.g toDAY. (As opposed to a trochee, which is a DUM-dee foot - e.g. PRINcess.)
And so each of your lines should consist only of iambs.
Then you needed to make sure that Lines 1-2 had 5 of them (5 iambic feet), Lines 3-4 4 feet etc. until Lines 9-10 have 1 foot each.
If I write out a couple of lines from your poem again but putting the naturally stressed in CAPITALS, you will see what I mean. Each line SHOULD begin with an unstressed syllable (i.e. NOT capitals) and then alternate until it finishes with a stressed syllable (i.e. CAPITALS).
This is how yours is at the moment:
Line 1: "that PLACE will ALways ALways BE in my HEART" See how you have just one too many syllables here. The first four feet are perfect, but then your final foot is dee-dee-DUM as opposed to dee-DUM. This would have been better: "That place will always always clutch my heart." Do you see what I mean?
Line 7 = perfect; but Line 8 is missing that crucial first unstressed syllable. As it is, you have DUM dee-DUM - but lack the first dee. "Whilst on that farm" would have been perfect?
Am I making sense?
Kind of?
ReplyDeletemmmm I think I get it..