Part 1
I felt that the second excerpt from The Cruellest Journey: 600 miles to Timbuktu by Kira Salak (2004) was the most effective in its genre. This is because I found that it used many effective tools such as figurative language, for example, “The journey to Timbuktu binds me, it kidnaps and drugs me. It deceives me”, this makes it more interesting because by using metaphors it still gets the point across but in an original way. Setting it out as an anecdote attracts us since it’s like an insight into a person’s life and experiences which is appealing in it own sense, making us want to read it. It is also quite humorous in the way that it presents the mentality of people surprised to see a woman alone without her “husband”. The description of the place creates an image inside our mind as if we are there in the scene which gives you an idea of what the narrator is seeing and feeling for example “the sun on me, a breeze licking my toes when I lay back to rest, the current as negligible as a faint breath.” This description leaves us to imagine how she is feeling and also makes us feel as if we are there feeling the sun and the breeze. The use of Timbuktu is also very clever especially at the end when the villagers ask her where she is going and she answers “Timbuktu”. This can be taken literally or it can also be interpreted as sarcasm adding to the humour of this piece.
Part 2
It was August 2006. The day that changed my life. This was the day that I landed in the country where my intended lived. This was the day that I was supposed to bring him and his family out of poverty and take him back to London to live a comfortable life as my husband.
Our luggage was the first to arrive. Unfortunately. It meant that no time was to wait for our bags and to contemplate my next move; it all went smoothly and we were quickly able to go meet them. My family; you see the person my parents chose for me happened to be my cousin.
We, me parents and me, stepped out of the air conditioned airport to be harshly embraced and welcomed by the famous sun; after a few moments the wind came to my rescue reducing the effect of the sun and instead encircling me in a cool breeze. This beautiful moment didn’t last long for it was replaced with another circle of harshness- my family. While being tossed about like a rag doll I was searching and searching for the breeze to rescue me and take me away. It didn’t come to my aid this time; instead after every member of the family touched me to make sure it was in fact me that was before their tearful eyes, I met up, once again, with the sun and from then on I knew what was in store for me. There wasn’t ever going to be a rescue. I wasn’t in London anymore where I could turn to someone for help, there was no escape.
You come up with some good points in your analysis of Salak’s writing. I agree that figurative writing is used for originality, to give a new spin to something that is familiar. This is one of the great tasks of all creative writing – defamiliarisation, making it new – and imagery is one of the great tools for achieving it. I also agree that the anecdotal quality of travel writing can be one of its central appeals, as people just like knowing about other people (why else would Big Brother be so popular?!) I think you make a good point about Salak’s use of humour; her changing tone leavens the slightly weighty figurative language she uses earlier in the piece. One of the points of travel writing is to take the reader somewhere without him or her having to leave the comfort of his or her lounge, and Salak achieves this through her use of visceral, physical, detailed descriptions. You also pick up on the way these descriptions have a “show, don’t tell” function – the environment around the narrator gives the reader hints as to her mood.
ReplyDeleteYour own excerpt starts punchily, with short sentences providing a quick pace. Your first sentence gives us exposition, the second sentence gives us a hook, and the third and fourth give us the explanantion. Very well-balanced!
I’ll analyse the next two paragraphs according to the parameters for success you identified in your analysis of Salak. Like her, you use figurative language to take the reader into the piece’s setting. However, a simile like ‘tossed about like a rag doll’ is a cliché; be very careful to avoid these. In general, your descriptions of the airport setting could do with some editing. With ‘embraced and welcomed’, your images repeat themselves – an embrace is, the reader assumes, welcoming – thus slowing the pace. ‘…The wind came to my rescue reducing the effect of the sun and instead encircling me in a cool breeze’ is another description that could do with cutting down; as it stands, this phrasing is a little finickity. Be careful of stating emotions, such as ‘beautiful moment’ and ‘circle of harshness’.
This piece works effectively as a narrative, with the hook-laden first paragraph, and gripping phrases like ‘the person my parents chose for me happened to be my cousin’ and ‘there was no escape’. As such, the plot is a really strong draw for the reader. However, I noted that a piece of travel writing should take the reader into a new environment, and I think your descriptions of setting and place, particularly your utilisation of imagery, needs a bit more work if you are to achieve this.
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteI think the dual metaphor of sun and wind is very effective.
"harshly embraced by the famous sun"
'famous' really struck me and made me think of 'sun' as a person; the pun, perhaps, emphasising the role of family.
The breeze is welcoming, but you might work to fit the air-conditioning into the mix. Very quick contrasts.
"every family member touched me to make sure it was in fact me" is a very visual and unsettling image.
I think a more active voice would make the image even more powerful. "...; instead" dilutes it too much.
It is a short piece, but I'd like to have more sounds, smells etc. as in the Salak piece.
Focusing on a few very concrete details will make this sharper.
I actually think that the opening tells too much.
It is very difficult to follow "The day that changed my life..." Make the reader feel how powerful the change is. Beginning with the month and year doesn't add much, and almost shuts out the reader.
Try jumping into the middle of the anecdote, then focus your good eye for imagery to recreate the experience for the reader.
Hope this helps and isn't confusing. Just another opinion, yes?
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteI’m a new moderator on wordvoodoo. I really enjoyed your travel piece and was very impressed with how you isolated what worked for you in the extract from the Cruelest Journey.
As in the Salak extract, the wind and sun are important backdrops in your piece. The relentless heat of the sun echoes the oppressiveness of the narrator’s family. The narrator is in a double bind; both her family and the sun are inescapable. The parallels are well realised and with a little tightening could be even stronger. I agree that you could cut the word welcome. ‘... harshly embraced by the famous sun,’ is beautifully striking. And it’s not necessary to introduce the family as ‘another circle of harshness.’ By showing us how the family members act, you tell us how the narrator perceives them.
Though it’s a short piece, you could also cut back a little in other areas and trust the reader more, allow the reader to do more work and draw their own conclusions. For example: ‘Our luggage was the first to arrive. Unfortunately.’ The sentence break here works wonderfully well – letting the word ‘unfortunately’ stand on its own emphasises the dread the narrator feels, but most readers will be capable of working out why it was unfortunate that the bags were not delayed, so the sentence beginning: ‘It meant that no time was ...’ is not necessary. Incidentally, it should read: ‘that there was no time.’
Similarly, I think you could consider cutting the final two sentences. ‘....I knew what was in store for me.’ is a suitably ominous ending and the reader can work out from what’s gone before that there was no escape for the narrator.
Hope that helps. Very well done and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Joanne
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteThere's some lovely imagery here, 'the famous sun,' for me, too, really stood out as a wonderfully evocative image with great depth. You've also created an emotionally charged atmosphere that comes across well in the mood of your narrator.
I agree that perhaps you could launch straight into this, rather than giving us the beginning paragraph. The first paragraph almost feels a little too overt. It tells us so much so quickly, whereas if you gradually build up to the meeting your reader may be swept along with greater ease; there would be more room to reveal things.
The piece may benefit from some dialogue, too. Especially when establishing the relationships within the family.
Thanks for posting, and good luck with it. Some great strong work with lots of potential....
Liz
Hi
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments they help a lot. When this task was posted I was struggling with it a lot but now with you comments I think that I'd be able to tackle travel literature in a better way.
Thanks once again
Shiningstar