Opening 2
Adventure and travel, two words that on their own conjure a whole library full of excitement and awe, of which can then spear off into an alternate tangent leaving a protagonist in an impossible position. Silak however, avoids this common structural use by very briefly describing the currents “flowing backwards against the wind”, thus shortening our attention to the wayward waves and funnelling our focus on the “placidity unbroken by wave or eddy”. Silak also makes great use of personification, bringing alive the subtle breeze that is subtly “licking” her “toes”, provoking a gentle, calm and strain-free atmosphere.
Determined
“Number 415 please step onto the mark”
This was it, my time had come. The blades of my ice-skates seemed to quiver in despair, as though they knew that I would inevitably be the last to cross the unforgiving finishing line once more. I had no choice, for if I forfeited-then there would no chance of winning, however if I competed- then there may be the slightest of opportunities that I may win. The wind seemed to barrage me with it’s unmerciful waves, the trees a deep, dark green-from which there branches seemed to emit a low pitched cackle at my dispense.
But before I could have any more time to think, “BANG”, the starting gun had been released and the other 2 competitors had streamed off into lead, leaving an approximate 9 second gap between us. My skates had formed a soft and fragile state, as did my legs. The wind howling in my ear as I gained speed, and the spray from the competitor’s skates freckled upon my face made it a much more demanding task than it already was. Nearly blind and relying purely on instinct alone, I soldiered on, hoping to catch a glimpse of the corner marker, but to no prevail-as my weight seemed to suddenly slip away from me and shifting from head to toe. The wind still howling, my vision worse than ever, the whole world seemed to be spiralling out of my reach yet all I could think about was the dream of finally being able to hold the “Ice-skating rally” cup for 2010. I could no longer defy gravity, and with my skates flailing from side to side I finally made the long anticipated contact of human flesh on ice. My vision still a complete mystery, coupled with the sudden clear hearing lead me to believe that I had come to a halt.
Hair a mess, crowd so strongly discouraging me, I felt it would do no harm to then just put the effort into the race, discarding any worries or thoughts that seemed to be imprisoning me. I dug my right-skate into the ice, making my mark onto the world, and (standing tall) I set my sights onto the leaders jockeying for position.
“You might as well give it up now mate”
“Humph, not for you mate”.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI like the language you used in your analysis -'funnelling our focus on the “placidity unbroken by wave or eddy”' is a great way of putting things. It's understandable when you're conveying complex ideas, but be careful of repetition - so 'subtle' and 'subtly' in the same sentence stands out. As with creative writing it can jar.
I think this could be in its own sentence - 'of which can then spear off into an alternate tangent leaving a protagonist in an impossible position' because it loses the meaning, and maybe impossible position could just be 'confused.' I get what you're saying though and you're dead right - travel writing needs to be clear as well as adventurous. Good observation.
I liked the piece. It was exciting and rich in sensory detail. I'll go through a few main points.
'however if I competed- then there may be the slightest of opportunities that I may win.' - This does build tension, but there are ways of showing this tension. Have the narrator go through scenarios in which they could win by fluke for example.
'dark green-from which there branches seemed to emit a low pitched cackle at my dispense.' I wasn't sure of dispense here. Mainly I wanted to say that your description is good, but we need a little more detail as to where we are. This is especially relevent, because this isn't obviously a travel article - if you stress the place, if you descibe it further, it could be.
“BANG”, the - Here it would be better to finish the sentence on ':BANG.' It just seems more natural.
the competitor’s skates freckled upon my face - great - I loved this. You ahve a lot of good details in this, but this one is my favouite.
and (standing tall) I set my sights onto the leaders jockeying for position. - With this you can dispense with the brackets. I used to use them a lot too - I still do in emails, but it's best not to in a creative piece, because you're writing with a voice and people don't speak in brackets - they use pauses that you can convey with dashes or commas.
I hope that helps. I really enjoyed reading this, and I found the ending satisfying. Well done,
Andy
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteThere's some great descriptions in this. I love the trees at the end of your beginning paragraph, they are charged with energy: 'a deep, dark green from which the branches seemed to emit a low pitched cackle...' there's something wonderfully gothic about this! The image is active, not simply a visual presence, which adds another dimension.
I like the sense of speed in the second paragraph and the urgency this creates; it drives the narrative forwards. Though I do feel you could reign in some of the more melodramatic phrases, perhaps: 'The world seemed to be spiralling out of my reach.' A little more editing in this second paragraph would see to this.
The final paragraph works really well. There's a great sense of physical action displacing thought which I found interesting: 'discarding any worries or thoughts that seemed to be imprisoning me.'
Great stuff. I'll look forward to your next post.
Liz
Hey Life,
ReplyDeleteYour analysis is very much like a piece of creative writing, to which I say beware, as you might lose some good analytical points within the flowery language. Your first sentence for example, sounds great creatively, but what are you actually saying? You're not analysing, you're describing at best and unfortunately, that's not the task at hand. I don't really even understand what you mean about "alternative tangents", "impossible positions" or "common structural use". I recommend cutting out some of the waffle, and saving the best creativity for your fiction.
I enjoyed reading your piece, you add suspense, and I really enjoyed the narrators resolution at the end to keep on trying. I also liked that you left the ending open, so the readers can decide on an ending.
You've got lots of images, many of which I like, but be careful not to mix your metaphors, like the 'waves of wind'. Waves tend to be associated with the sea, and the wind with gusts.
I really like the idea that the narrators legs and skates had gone soft, this is a really good way of showing how your character is feeling. The same as Andy, I also really like the ice from the competitor's skates "freckled" on the narrator's face, this is really great.
You've got a good arc in the story, the character develops, but I'm not sure how well it fits into the 'travel writing' genre. I suppose the character is travelling, just in a less conventional way. As with all writing, it's all about interpretation!
I look forward to reading your next post, keep up the good work!
Frances