Part 1- The Worst Journey in the World by Apsley Cherry-Gerrard (1922)
I chose this extract because it not only made me want to read on but also kept me interested whilst reading it. The writer uses a good source of descriptive vocabulary, for example ‘The moon was showing a ghastly ragged mountainous edge above us in the fog’. This is a good way of keeping the reader hooked to your extract. I really enjoyed the way Apsley Cherry-Gerrard described the scenery; it gave me a good, clear picture of the scenery in my head.
Part 2-Disneyland Parade
The darkness of the night and the icy cold breeze had consumed us. Every inch of the sidewalk was crowded with frozen bodies, huddled up for warmth. The only clear place left was the road, the road the parade was going to take place on. I struggled with the never-ending rope of people, the obstacle that kept me from my destination. You could almost taste the excitement coming from the atmosphere. I grew more and more impatient as I struggled through the crowd, annoyance was making itself visible. My mother’s voice broke me free from my silent cursing. She beckoned me towards herself and I followed obediently.
There at the opening she had found I saw the road, the road where it was going to take place. Other children’s cries of joy echoed in my ears as I waited. Next to me, people talked in an alien tongue; it almost sounded as if they were arguing. Across the road, I saw someone selling flashing lights; I was amazed at how the colours changed from red to blue to purple...etc. There were other’s selling hats, cloaks, teddies and other small childish things, things I wanted back then.
All of a sudden, a huge round of applause broke loose, startling me. All my anticipation had paid off. The parade had finally started. I heard it from the distance, not being able to see it yet. The appraising crowds' applause had made it impossible to hear the music. A short and agonizing minute later a light had caught my attention, it was the first lot of floats. The floats shone brightly as they passed. Some were of Disney characters like the seven dwarves or Cinderella. The way everything was set out amazed me. The way the dancer’s had followed so gracefully to the way the shrouded ones had scared me.
Hi Sabz,
ReplyDeleteI agree that Apsley Cherry-Gerrard's piece is very descriptive, it certainly is a very visual piece.
Your own piece is very descriptive too, and it really enhances the reader's experience. You use some really great images throughout your piece. I think my favourite one is "You could almost taste the excitement coming from the atmosphere". I also really like "a huge round of applause broke loose" because it's like the round of applause is an animal, going round startling people. Good work!
However, "red to blue to purple...etc" jars with me because of the "...etc", you could have easily put another colour in there and you would have had a complete image, but at the moment it seems a little lazy to just leave it half way.
I'm not sure if it was intentional, but your piece has a melancholic feel to it which I really like, like the narrator is looking back with some kind of sadness; there are a couple of lines which give me this feeling, one being "other small childish things, things I wanted back then." It seems regretful, which juxtaposes so well with the idea of Disneyland, "The Happiest Place on Earth". The last line indicates this too, with the narrator being scared. I think this is really great, with the "shrouded" figures and the graceful hands. The sentence doesn't actually make grammatical sense to me, but the images it provokes are really nice.
Sabz, I really enjoyed your piece this week, it's great!
I look forward to reading your next post :o)
Frances
Sabz,
ReplyDeleteNice work! I think this piece is really tight, and I don't have any large comments. That means I can discuss tinier revisions, like word choice and fun stuff like that.
"the road the parade was going to take place on" could be a little smoother. How about "the road where the parade would soon be"?
"I struggled with the never-ending rope of people" is a little vague. Struggle how? I am imagining a child jumping up and down, peeking around bodies and between legs, trying to get a clear view. Your description could definitely be more visual.
"You could almost taste the excitement" is awesome. But I think this should be "I" rather than "you." I know in casual speech we use the general "you" all the time, but in writing it should be avoided.
"annoyance was making itself visible" You could definitely show us this more. Make annoyance visible to your readers rather than telling them it is there. What does your narrator do when they are annoyed?
I like the detail of the couple arguing in a foreign language, but what is its purpose in your piece? It seems that their arguing disturbs the innocence of the situation. Perhaps this idea could be emphasized more.
"things I wanted back then" Lovely. This detail is perfect.
In the final paragraph, before telling us that the parade has started, show it - for instance, you hear music, singing, marching, etc., then you realize that the parade has started.
"the first lot of floats" Not sure about this one. Maybe it's a little too casual. Think about it.
I'd like more description of the parade, especially since the build-up is so good. Also, the last sentence is very confusing. I'm not sure what "the shrouded ones" is or what's going on with them and the dancers.
Anyway, terrific job. Everything is there, you just need to work on showing instead of telling.
Keep it up!!
Maria
Hi Sabz, sorry for the lateness of my reply.
ReplyDeleteGreat observations in Part 1. I love the line you picked out - it illustrates your point perfectly. Well done.
I had a slight problem with the tone in your piece. For me, it seemed much more like scared excitment, rather than happy anticipation. The feeling of fear, juxterposing with the subject matter (a Disney parade) consequently made the piece slightly ... humorous... for me!
"The darkness of the night and the icy cold breeze had consumed us." - that's quite a scary opening.
"crowded with frozen bodies, huddled up for warmth" - again, slightly frightening image
"he only clear place left was the road, the road the parade was going to take place on. "
"I saw the road, the road where it was going to take place." - the repetition of 'the road' in both these lines creates hightened drama, but I feel it's more of a sense of dread than anticipation.
The tone becomes much more fun and excited in the last paragraph. However, be careful with your language still. Could you make the "agonizing minute" sound more upbeat for example?
I've said this to quite a few other people during this task, but: be more aware of how your sentences sound. Some of them can be simplified, or reduced. Don't over-write just to sound 'writerly'. For example:
"annoyance was making itself visible" - this sounds quite eloquent, but what does it actually mean?
"You could almost taste the excitement coming from the atmosphere" - this is a good, descriptive line, but you can make it more compact. You can cut out 'coming from the atmosphere', as this sounds a little clumsy. You could replace 'coming from' with 'in' if you really wanted to mention 'atmosphere', but the first part of the sentence already suggests that the excitment is part of the atmosphere anyway.
"My mother’s voice broke me free from my silent cursing." - again, sounds a little clumsy.
"She beckoned me towards herself and I followed obediently." - and here too. You could cut 'towards herself' and it would make sense and read a little smoother.
You have some great phrases, though:
"an alien tongue" and "the never-ending rope of people" are my favourite.
A good effort, but would be improved with a little fine tuning.
Sophie