Old Glory: A Voyage down the Mississippi by Jonathan Raban
There is always something about a story written in the first person that always grabs my attention. “I twiddled my way” alongside Raban in his voyage with great pleasure, enjoying the “corn and cattle” and “hilly landscape” that he could see out of his “mustard” window. Writing in the first person gives a story that sprinkle of personality which writing in third person can not. Although “we” and “us” can achieve an equally brilliant narration, “I”, the writer, and you, the reader, share a connection that can stand the strongest current – a current that carries the exciting adventure. A “presence” is created above the page, where the character’s thoughts and actions teach us something new about what they are feeling, and the progress they make on their journey.
Raban’s descriptive language is kept to a limit, and does not reach the heights of ‘over-the-top’. “Splayed limbs”, “noisy raids” and “bright lights” display Raban’s use of one-adjective with one-noun. Raban keeps his narration short and simple, which helps to confine his flock of actions into a neat and tidy narrative pen. The use of speech also helps to maintain the illusion of the present tense, and acts as a “song” that helps to stop the reader from falling “asleep”.
Bajajs
I can’t breathe.
The congestion is congesting my nasal passages, and the eco-disastrous Bajajs aren’t helping. Space is precious in a city like this, and the city is only so big. Judging from the vile smell that seems to follow me wherever I go, space for even the sewers is running out.
“Selamat Detang” was the first thing that my uncle’s old driver had said to me, baring his grime tanned teeth. Although I should have tried to hide my dissatisfaction at his beer drenched breath, my face remained pretty much chilli and spice for the entire journey to Bukit Timur. Dirt washed highways greeted me as we pulled out of the aging Soekarno-Hatta, a drive that was, and still is, without the glory of very strong air-conditioning.
For the last few hours, I have learnt a lot about this partially open window. I’ve counted the specs of dirt – sixty one previous drops of dirty water and five flies, exactly. Shell petrol stations get dotted with grey snow flakes every time we drive past one, and so do the many shoeless beggars that come to chisel a little bit more of our conscience.
“Why can’t we give money to them, mum?”
I don’t get a reply.
I’ve resorted to using my passport as a make-shift fan, to try and dissolve the beads of sweat that like to constantly dive off my forehead. No pain, no gain, but this torture is beyond Poe’s shiny pendulum. Body odour has long since taken over the job of the dangling air freshener, although right now ‘fresh’ could describe a week old loaf of bread. The driver mumbles something to mum, and we pull over into one of the tiny bays that randomly dot the highway.
He gets out, I sigh much too sarcastically, mum moans, I shut up.
He didn’t take long, and he bought me the Coke that I’d been telepathically begging for. I could feel it massaging the insides of my stomach, soothing my flying body temperature.
We're heading to that house in East Jakarta, the place that I have to call home for the next week. To call it home is hard, but atleast it shelters the two things that I need to live past this evening– precious air conditioning and a soft mattress.
Right now, for these two things, I’ll happily bare the tropical pain.
Dear all,
ReplyDeleteBefore I say anything about Task 37, can I just say a huge thank you to my moderators; I am truly sorry for not being able to find the time to reply every week to your so very helpful comments. Know that every single one gets sucked into my head like a vacume cleaner. :)
Beyond amazing is one way to describe your help.
Task 37 is has a few pretty tricky Indonesian words, but I'd just like to say that Bajaj is pronounced Ba-jai (Or badge-eye ^^).
All the best,
E.
Well, thanks for the thanks! It's a real pleasure to read your work, and I'm just glad that the feedback is useful to you.
ReplyDeleteThis was a really fantastic analysis of Raban – I’m very impressed! I agree that using the first person can create a strong connection between narrator and reader, and that in travel writing this connection is particularly important. These narratives almost invariably take the form of a writer telling their story to the reader, and as such a first person voice helps draw the reader into that story, into that unfamiliar world. I also agree that travel writing (in fact – all writing?) is about defamiliarisation, about telling us something new, or showing us something old but in a new light. You also make some strong points about Raban’s technique; his ‘short and simple’ narration is fast-paced and to the point, and his varied style (intercutting description with dialogue) also works to maintain the reader’s attention.
I really, really enjoyed reading your own attempt. Congratulations on managing to fulfil the parameters for effective travel writing that you identified in your analysis!
The first person voice really held my attention. The visceral, closely-observed descriptions (‘I’ve counted the specs of dirty – sixty one previous drops of water and five flies, exactly’ was a particular stroke of genius!) made me believe in the reality of the place, and the narrator’s experience of it. This piece also showed me something entirely new; not just the place itself (although it’s not one I know, or have ever been to), but through your originality of language. ‘Grime tanned teeth’ and ‘my face remained pretty much chilli and spice’ are innovative, effective metaphors, which make new familiar features. Like Raban, you effectively vary your sentence length and style, shifting from description to dialogue, from luscious metaphors to pared back description. You use techniques of show, don’t tell to good effect, particularly in the interchanges between mother and narrator.
Only a couple of things to pick up on: ‘grime tanned teeth’ is so punchy that I’d have liked a slightly stronger reaction than ‘dissatisfaction’ to be coupled with it, and ‘dirt washed highways’, although not a cliché, is familiar. The reference to Poe also seems slightly out-of-context, and thus jars my belief in the world-picture you’re painting. There are just a couple of grammar/spelling errors; ‘mum’, if it is used as a name (‘then Mum got out’ as opposed to ‘then my mum got out’) should be capitalised, and in the final sentence it should be ‘bear’. Apart from this, spot on! I can’t wait to see what you come up with next.
Hi there e.t - I'm moderating you now since the shift around.
ReplyDeleteI'm very impressed with your detailed observations of the extract and your clearly capable ability to write creativly.
I'd just like to challenge your statement that third person CANNOT give writing a sense of personality. Although 'he/she' will never be quite as close as 'I' psychologically, third person narrators can indeed have personality! Third person narration can be used in many different ways to many different effects. Ominiscient narration can get inside the minds of many characters, either making all the characters deeply personal, or slightly distancing them all by flitting between them. Close third person narration can completely get inside the head of the protagonist, arguably just as well as first person, if not sometimes better since the writer can know more about the character than the character knows themselves.
Anyway.
Your piece of writing is excellent. You have done exactly as Matt asked when he said to focus on a small aspect of travelling, and what you have written hints at a much larger story without being confusing or frustratingly exclusive. The structure and pace of this piece is spot on.
Your phrasing and obvservations are brilliantly unique, yet as you observed in the extract, they are kept simple to maintain their effectiveness. Like Sarah, I also loved 'grime tanned teeth'. However unlike Sarah, I would say not to play up your writing after using punchy phrases; keeping it simple after using an effective image or phrase highlights what you have said instead of obscuring it in heavy writing. I think sometimes you could cut down a little. For example, you use 'grime tanned teeth', 'beer drenched breath', 'chilli and spice' and 'dirt washed highways' all within a few lines. These are strong, original phrases and when used closely together you risk lessening their impact as the reader 'gets used' to them. Even though, as you observed, one-adjective/one-noun descriptions are good, you still need to make sure the structures you use do not become repetitive.
You have a great eye for detail and the balance you have between 'zoomed in' observation and more general observation, coupled with simple action, is brilliant.
This is a great piece of writing.
Sophie
Appologies for saying 'you analysis.' I just saw that. Lame.
ReplyDeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed you analysis.
'...confine his flock of actions into a neat and tidy narrative pen' is a neat way of putting it (and a very inventive one too - I loved it).
Do be careful, as with creative writing, to not repeat words in a jarring manner. You have 'always' twice in your first sentence , and it caught my eye. The rest is great though.
I agree with Sophie that third person can work on a level that feels personal too, but I can't agrue with your feeling on it either. If you find that reading a first peron account, or writing one, works on a more intimate level that's cool. I like writing in first person for the same reason - it means you don't get distanced by another narrators voice (insightful as they can be) - there's no surrogate voice conveying the action.
If you were interested free indirect discource is a great way of getting into a character's head while still using third person - in this way you shift to the character's register without annoucing it. I think you'd like it. It's good when it's well done. Jane Austen was pretty good at it.
Your writing is great. You've achieved exactly what's been asked of you.
One picky point - with this: 'very strong air-conditioning' you could tighten it a bit by saying 'adequate air conditioning' otherwise the
insult gets a bit lost; just not being 'very good' doesn't seem so bad.
Great sensory stuff especially. I really enjoyed reading this. Take care and well done,
Andy