I thought this piece of writing was quite mysterious in the manner of the way the story goes and leaving a clue each step but having no idea whatsoever what it is. This extract really involved me to be in it as I could see it all happening e.g. He wrote, ‘Yes?’‘She’s left. You want the number again?’‘I’ve got it. A silver Honda.’‘Right.’‘A silver Honda. Should be along in four minutes.’This actually felt like the reader (I) was talking to him. It also wanted you to keep guessing what will happen next. I was so intrigued to keep reading on but it only was an extract. Overall I think that this piece of crime fiction was really captivating.
Tears of blood.
Prologue
The dwindling light began to fade. I could hear a faint knock at the door. As I began to get up it suddenly smashed open; blinded by the light coming from the wrecked corridor, all I could see was my death at place; a gun pointing at my head, I did not know whether to run or just stand there in shock, yet I felt like it was a dream or more of a nightmare perhaps.
Suddenly a voice spoke, chillingly close: “Do not move”Standing stationary I could see that he was after something that only I would have, but what? I let out a sudden gasp as I felt I knew what he was after. “Where is it?” he murmured as his accent was not that clear.Sweat began to rush down my trembling face, “I don’t know what you’re talking about?”, "listen, don’t play around with me or you’ll face the consequences! I am asking you one last time, where is it?”My eyes were transfixed on his steady gun pointed in the direction of my chest, but before I could defend myself he fired a powerful bullet which went right through me.
The throbbing had injected my whole body; I knew that something went terribly wrong.The last reply I heard from him was “pain is good”. And that was it, my life was over.
The start of the investigation.
An unfamiliar knock at the door had awoken me from my first sleep- as I was up carousing all night at the le Duchon club. Anyway as I slouched to open the door right before my eyes stood a diminutive person holding up his ‘so called detective badge’. “Hello, I am Mr. Johnson and I would like to talk about the distressing news of Lukes' death?"
That was a shock for me, everything was thundering in my head, I was stoned for a blink of an eye. My legs were quivering, I needed to rest my body somewhere, Luke can’t be dead, he just can’t.
All of a sudden I was questioned as I was the suspect.
Just as I was about to slam the door on his grim modest nose, then he showed me a photo.
I was traumatized of what I could see, the image of Luke lying there covered in blood was absolutely ghastly, I couldn’t bear it anymore, and Luke was more of a little brother to me rather than a friend.
To break the sudden silence Mr, Jonson said: “Well it’s my job really; however I do believe you
can help on our further investigation?”
The day drew to an end, yet we still haven’t found the culprit, now I think all hope is lost. Suddenly my mobile rang and quite loudly too, I answered “hello, who is this”. A frightening voice that sounded quite familiar had then replied “I know where you live, and I’m coming to get you”. Almost immediately the phone line went dead.
Hiding under the canvas I trembled with fear, but soon later I recognised who it was and it explained how he was linked to the death of Luke. Just then he came in with a sniper gun holding it firm in his hands, as he examined the room on the left side I took a run for the door and managed escaping without a scratch on my body.
My heart was thumping uncontrollably, but I put that to one side and started to run to the police station. A bunch of tough police officers came fully equipped; I creep along with them to be safe. Smashing open the door we find that the room was deserted, yet a gust of wind filled the room, so I know that he climbed out of the window.
Unfortunately I still haven’t heard from the ‘innocuous’ Mr. Johnson, but I’m still watching my back, who knows he might return….
Hi Smartflame,
ReplyDeleteWell done on identifying the mystery and the strongly visual nature of the Rendell excerpt.
I’m very impressed by the ambition and pace of your piece. Your dialogue works well. ‘Pain is good.’ Very nasty!
It’s a comprehensive piece of writing; you have two narrators and a lot happens! The physical details – sweat, throbbing, thundering, quivering – contribute to the piece’s Reservoir Dogs-style menace. There are some lovely details – the ‘le Duchon club’ - great! And you have a proper plot. I like how Mr. Johnson (make sure you spell his name consistently) turns into the baddie.
Once or twice I was a little lost and found it difficult to figure out exactly what was going on. The paragraph beginning: ‘The day drew to an end, yet we still...’ confused me, as did the following paragraph. At first I thought the narrator was looking for the culprit with Mr. Johnson, then I wasn’t sure.
I think you’re trying to tell too much of the story too quickly. Particularly in the final few paragraphs, you could consider slowing everything down a little, and including more details about characters and setting to build up the tension. It is an excerpt so you don’t have to tell the whole story. You could also consider including more dialogue. Rather than saying ‘... and it explained how he was linked...’ You could show us the conversation happening.
Occasionally, your tenses slip. In the second last paragraph ‘creep’ should be ‘crept,’ ‘find’ should be ‘found’ and ‘know’ should be ‘knew.’
With some redrafting and closer attention to grammar and punctuation, this could be a very strong piece of crime fiction.
Fantastic work. Well done!
Joanne
Many, many apologies for this hideously delayed reply: I submitted my last ever piece of undergraduate coursework yesterday, if that’s any excuse! Anyway, it was, as always, a pleasure to read your writing. Here are my thoughts on what could be improved:
ReplyDeleteI think your prologue would benefit from some judicious editing in order for it to be punchier. Your opening sentence is weak, as it features a tautology: if the light is ‘dwindling’, then of course it has ‘began to fade’. The repetition of ‘began to’ in the first few sentences slows your pace: for the opening of a crime story, the reader doesn’t want characters to START doing things, they want characters to ACTUALLY do them! There are a few other places where fussy phrases makes your writing blunt, such as ‘a nightmare PERHAPS’, ‘I FELT I knew what he was after’, ‘his accent was not that clear’, ‘sweat BEGAN TO rush’, and so on.
The final paragraph of the prologue introduces my favourite element of the piece: the fact that the narrator is already dead. It’s a gambit that has been done before, but it’s still a good one! However, I still think your writing lacks punch; for example, the narrator would obviously know ‘that something [was] terribly wrong’ if s/he’d just been shot in the chest at point-blank range.
Stephen King goes by the method of ‘Second Draft = First Draft – 10%’, and it’s formula you could try using for your next piece, as your writing would be so much stronger if you omitted needless phrases.
The “body” of the piece has a different set of strengths and weaknesses. I like how energetic the narrative voice is; this energy is particularly communicated through the use of colloquial phrases such as ‘I was stoned for a blink of an eye’ and idiosyncrasies like ‘carousing all night’. However, this energy is also one of your problems – the narrative is so fast-moving that you really don’t guide the reader through where and when it is taking place. We leap from Mr. Johnson arriving, to the narrator being questioned (this questioning is confusing as we are not shown it, just told about it), to the day ending after a failed search for the culprit (which we are again not shown), to hiding under canvas (where is this?), to a sniper entering a room (which room?), and so on. To focus on one exemplary sentence of spatial/temporal confusion: how could the narrator see ‘Mr. Johnson’ ‘AS’ (not after) s/he ‘slouched to open the door’? To avoid confusing your readership, you need to signpost when and where this action is taking place. I think you’re rushing to have too much take place in too short a space: for the length and demonstration of skill a wordvoodoo task calls for, this submission could easily have been just a reworked version of your prologue.