I personally think that this excerpt is very effective of it's genre, for the reason that it intrigues the reader in a way which will make her/ him feel that they are apart of the scene. Also, it describes the emotions quite realistically, therefore this excerpt has captivated me the most.
I think that the innovation in literature is quite essential, and in this piece it showed it quite alot. I thought it was quite miraculous!
Deppresion or Anticipation
Well, it was the last day of school, last day of primary- I did not know whether to be filled with Exhilaration or sorrow. Through out our "normal" school day, children were behaving like nothing has happened, although I could see the deep gloominess inside each and everyone of them as I glance around the swarming playground from a near wrecked bench. Gazing at the apparent, azure sky; I wonder if this will be the last time I look up at this angle, I wonder if I would ever see my dearest friends again, I wonder how it will feel to leave and start a advanced education now.
Immediately I snap out of my moment of thoughts, as the penetrating bell had rung. Now nearing to the one hour we have remaining; everyone could feel the deppresion now (even the toughest boys), me and my closest friends squash up on one table whilst the others scatter around the room. One of my best teachers had made things worse emotionally, for the reason that she put on all the assemblies that we had rehearsed together- that really hit me and my friends, and so we began to cry silently. Tears were dripping down my pale white face, like I have been severly ill but I wasn't the only one. Unfortunately we didn't get a glimpse of the boys crying- however they did start to mock us which did liven the end of the day a little.
( It took us approximately twenty minutes to come out and go home, because of all the farwells)
Walking down the road cautiously, hand in hand with my mother; I then realised that we were taking a journey by car to my country- which would take about three complete days. As I entered the cavernous hallway a sudden feeling of anticipation began to commence.
As we all came rushing into the car- my parents then noticed that they had forgotten the car keys, which was quite exasperating for me and my sisters. They got back in time so we were settled (not necessarily), and quite frankly the minute we got into our car we rapidly zoomed off.
Pugnacious and fidgiting at the back, me and my sisters just couldn't get comfortable - It was lucky that we missed being stuck in traffic or things may have gotten treacherous, however we did arrive in france earlier than expected but that didn't stop us from having a lunch break.
Our lunch break wasn't that long, but we did have to linger for quite a prolonged time for toilets....
Germany was one of my preeminent locations, yet what really aggravated me was that it is literally one of the most largest countries, so it would be exceedingly time-consuming.
Finally , we did make it- just not in the time we expected, however a debacle had ensued just as we were entering; the diesel ran out, and therefore we had to push our car to a near petrol station, fortunately we stopped adjecent to the petrol station so triumph in the end.
-note to self: make a list of everything we SHOULD do before leaving, and what we SHOULDN'T forget.
Hallo! And welcome to the wordvoodoo blog. It’s a real privilege to be able to read your work, and I hope my commentary is helpful.
ReplyDeleteYou come up with some really good points in your analysis of what makes travel writing effective: a good author can make his/her readers feel like they’re actually there (which is linked to the idea of realism), and also innovates (shows his/her readers something original, or makes them see something familiar in a fresh light). Quick point, though: look out for its vs. it’s (go here for the rules: www.stormloader.com/garyes/its.html )
Onto your creative piece – a very enjoyable read, although it did exceed the bounds of the 300-400 word limit. I think the piece would have benefitted from being edited down to this length, as the close, detailed descriptions of the last day of school jar against the last few paragraphs’ whistle-stop tour of Europe. You could easily cut these final paragraphs, as they’re so fast-paced that they impart little new factual or sensory information about these countrie. For one excerpt, too much happens; as Mr. S. noted, attempting to cover an entire trip means this work can only skim the surface.
There are some really nicely observed details in the first part of this piece. I can see Cherry-Gerrard’s eye for realistic emotion come through in ‘I wonder if this will be the last time I look up at this angle’ – lovely!
However, be careful to maintain a consistent tense. Several times, you shift tenses within one sentence: for example, ‘children were behaving like nothing has happened’ should read either ‘children were behaving like nothing had happened’ or ‘… was happening’. Sorting out inconsistencies such as this will make the piece much more readable.
Your attempt to use a wide, original range of vocabulary is admirable, and at times adds some zest to the excerpt. However, sometimes these words are misused or feel out of place, such as ‘*apparent*, azure sky’ and ‘Germany was one of my *preeminent* locations’. These misuses distanced me from the work, as I lost trust in the narrator’s ability to guide me through his/her travelogue. If in doubt about a word’s meaning, I’d recommend either a dictionary, or going for a simpler phrase. The latter option is often the best; the most effective writing is that which gets to the heart of the matter, and using simple, well-known language is one of the most effective ways to achieve this.
A promising first effort; I look forwards to reading what you come up with next!
Hi Smart Flame, welcome to WordVooDoo.
ReplyDeleteGood obvservations on the extract. Try to think exactly how the author makes the reader feel included (the conversational tone, perhaps?); look at why the emotions seem real. Digging a little deeper to look at the ways an author creates certain effects will be useful for your own writing.
Your piece of writing reflects what you have observed about the extract to a certain degree. You have tried to make the tone conversational in parts to help include the reader. However, in other parts you use over-the-top vocubulary and long, clunky phrases which could easily be condensed for clarity. This only alienates your reader.
As Sarah also suggested, keep a close eye on your tenses.
I also think that there are two potential 'travel' stories here: the transition from primary to secondary school is both a physical and highly emotional travel; the travelling across Europe is a more conventional travel story. I would have chosen one or the other to focus on. I think the first part of your extract read better for me because you took time to tell us detail. The second part about Europe became hazy and confusing for me.
You might also want to revise the use of semi-colons. You are using them a bit like commas at the moment, but they are much more like full-stops. They join two closely-linked sentences, but each part either side of the semi-colon must make sense if it were to stand on its own.
Not a bad first post.
Sophie
Hi Smart Flame,
ReplyDeleteIt’s also my first time on wordvoodoo so I’m still finding my blogfeet!
I really enjoyed reading your travel piece. I agree with Sophie - it does seem like there are potentially two pieces here. I felt a stronger connection with the first piece because of how well you captured the narrator’s ambivalence – the anticipation mixed with apprehension: ‘I did not know whether to be filled with exhilaration or sorrow.’ Note: no need for a capital ‘E’ in exhilaration.
You paint a vivid picture of a busy school, using some very apt verbs: ‘the swarming playground,’ ‘the penetrating bell,’ ‘squash’ and ‘scatter.’ These verbs evoke action and flux and help to situate the reader in the scene – as in Apsley Cherry-Gerrard’s piece.
I liked the link with illness: ‘Tears were dripping down...’ It stresses the enormity of the transition from primary school and is also nicely visual. You might think about restructuring the sentence slightly. At the moment, the tears rather than the author’s pale white face are connected to the illness. Also, it should read: ‘...like I had been severely ill.’
There’s more humour but less emotion in the second half. I think you could choose one paragraph over the others and expand on it – the diesel running out for example might make a good story. I liked your note to self at the end. But the first half seems much more organic. It has a beginning, middle, and end and a strong sense of place.
Well done!
Joanne
Thank you for all the comments that you have all sent, I shall take your advice on board and hope you will be enjoying the next experiance of my writing.
ReplyDeleteOnce again thank you.