I thought that extract two was really interesting and the way Rankin makes the story flow with the conversation; this makes the reader want to read on and find out about the letter. Also, this creates tension in the story, making the reader think about the first letter and why this second one was received, “it’s the exact same message.”And the way the letter is described, “The paper cheap, no water-mark,” builds up the tension as well and makes the reader think about who this person writing the letter might be. I thought that the conversation worked really well because it was realistic and it was very effective.
One message but was read in several ways, in the colour red. It never made sense to her and as a riddle it remained in her hands. Unsolved questions had control over her mind and the actions she took though most of the time she did nothing.
‘So when did this one come in?’ Fred asked while he looked at the painting on the wall.
The room was clean, in its usual state but the light was off and the curtains were shut. The unusual surrounding of the room became almost comforting to her and didn’t seem to mind it as much as the others did.
‘Hmm…about nineteen minutes ago, I think.’ She said. Never sure of herself nowadays, always seemed to be in the thoughts of the unknown like the little source of light which managed to slip through the tiny gap where the curtain couldn’t cover.
‘Are you going to go to the police station again, Jenny?’
‘Yes, I don’t have a choice.’ She said. Her right hand kept shaking but she still had a tight grip of the letter.
‘This is all stupid, ridiculous, what is the point of sending them?’ said Fred, holding the other letters in his hands and crushed them till the red ink flooded over his hands.The calmness that was there seemed to have evaporated slowly into the atmosphere.
‘I only know as much as you, now will you please sit down.’
He sat down in the old chair that was next to her. No words came out of him after that.
He stared at the letter in her hands. ‘Can I take a look?’ he reached his hands out.
She handed it to him. But Jenny didn’t want to let go of it because she knew it would fill him or anyone else who read it with red bloody tears. Though she never cried; her tears couldn’t have brought much difference to the situation, anyways.
Before Fred could read the last line, the familiar sound of an envelop fell through the front door.
Hello again,
ReplyDeleteI notice you have decided to provide a re-imagining of your source text this time rather than something totally original, and by and large it is a very effective and interesting one.
I have to say, I think your final sentence is the strongest aspect of this piece and you really do manage to out-Rankin Rankin by aptly evoking the endless circle of intimidation your character is trapped in.
I think this works so well because it is an artistic touch of the nature that Rankin does not really attempt. You quite rightly identify that Rankin's main strength is his facility with naturalistic dialogue, and you manage this very well yourself, but I can't help but feel that with your natural ability at peerlessly unique imagery, you could very successfully fulfil Matthew's challenge of reworking the conventions of the genre.
On the other hand I will admit that I am somewhat biased in my strong affection for the imagery of your poetry, and I do appreciate that you may wish to experiment in a more grittily realistic style of writing, and if this is the case then this piece is certainly successful.
However, there are a number of trifling errors that do stand out quite uncomfortably, mostly either due to poor proof-reading or awkward sentence construction, and the third and fourth paragraphs are most exemplary of this;
The first line, 'The room was clean, in its usual state but the light was off and the curtains were shut' seems very strange and does jar somewhat; the most simplistic change that could be made would be to change it to 'the room was clean and in its usual state, but the light was off and the curtains were shut', although you could easily come up with something more elegant.
Also, and this really is very pedantic of me I know, but can your narrator definitely know that the room is in its 'usual' state if it is an 'unusual surrounding'? Also you seem to have missed out a 'she' in this sentence; 'almost comforting to her and (she) didn't seem to mind it as much'.
This is repeated in the next paragraph, 'Never sure of herself nowadays, (she) always seemed to be', and I would also suggest slightly amending the wording of this sentence, as it jars somewhat and you want the imagery to fit in comfortably with the realist scenario. This is one simplistic example of the changes you could make, 'Never sure of herself nowadays, she always seemed to be lost in thoughts of the unknown like the little speck of light...'
I do realise that calling attention to minor issues of proof-reading is fairly redundant, but the key to presenting a gritty reality effectively, as well as adding symbolism and metaphor to make it more individualistic, is to present normality through recognisable language that does not jar noticeably. Now this does not mean that one cannot be 'creative, inventive and original', as Matthew was saying, but this needs to be done subtly and covertly while lulling the reader into feeling as if they are within a recognisably normal world, whereas in fact it is one that is literary, evocative, and imaginative. This is why it is crucially important in this genre especially that you are careful that your sentences are as carefully constructed as possible and do not jar, as your more artistic sentences here are wonderfully evocative, but do stick out uncomfortably, not because of their content, but just because the sentences themselves are somewhat clumsily constructed.
In any case, however, I do feel that you are getting better and better at transferring your highly unique style of imagery into any of the genres you have attempted,
Well done,
Eoghan
Hey,
ReplyDeleteYou’ve identified well what makes the Rankin work: the banter between the two men is part of the tension, as you’ve pointed out. It’s a sort of extension of the Hercule Poirot/Miss Lemon dialogues in Agatha Christie’s works. It both advances the plot and keeps the tension building.
Your own piece captures the sense of mystery well, but I think that in maintaining the tension, you’ve sometimes let the technical aspects slip a little. The opening sentence – “One message but was read in several ways, in the colour red. It never made sense to her and as a riddle it remained in her hands” – sets up the scene, and the interior/exterior voice (free indirect narrative), but the actual syntax and grammar are a little uncomfortable. There’s nothing wrong with fragmentary sentences, as you’re borrowing from the character’s consciousness, but it needs to make sense. How about, more simply, “One message, written in red, but it could be read in many ways. It never made sense; she held it, a riddle”? Something along those lines is a bit clearer for the reader.
Same thing with “The room was clean, in its usual state but the light was off and the curtains were shut”. It’s fine just to write “The room was clean – as usual – but the light was off...” I have a slight problem with “The unusual surrounding of the room became almost comforting to her and didn’t seem to mind it as much as the others did” – WHY is the unfamiliarity comforting to her? This is too obscure for the reader to be intrigued; it just leaves the meaning a bit unclear. And just a small point, but when Fred says “about nineteen minutes ago, I think”, there’s a tension between the offhand way he says it, and the precision of the timing. It could be funny if he’s being sarcastic, but we don’t get that sense as it is.
I like the simile you’ve used with “Never sure of herself nowadays, always seemed to be in the thoughts of the unknown like the little source of light which managed to slip through the tiny gap where the curtain couldn’t cover.” It’s precise and interesting.
Just think a little about placing the characters for the reader: it’s quite a surprise when we’re given the detail that “He sat down in the old chair that was next to her” as it’s quite specific, after having more general description until this moment.
A brilliant place to end the piece: “Before Fred could read the last line, the familiar sound of an envelop fell through the front door.” THAT’s getting the reader intrigued, and not giving us the satisfaction of knowing what’s happening.
Well done with this – just watch the grammar and syntax, but the idea is a good rethinking of the Rankin piece.
Penny
Thank you so much for the comments, really helpful as always. :)
ReplyDeleteI will be more careful with my grammar and syntax.
Take care,
Angel_K