Part 1 - End In Tears by Ruth Rendell
Out of the five extracts I found this one the most appealing. I liked the way the author expresses the scenery and the detail it's been described. I also like the realism of it, the way that it's been written is such a way that it's believable, it doesn't go over the top with the story line to put the reader off and at the same time doesn't be so dull as to bore the reader. Some of the phrases which I think stood out most to me were: "A third minute passed. A fourth", "He hated anticlimaxes", "he saw for the first time the woman he had tried to kill".
Part 2 -
The sunset was somewhat less appealing today. It looked depressed almost. The scenery would have been amazing from up there, but it didn't seem to be so amazing when he wanted it to be anyway. It was around about 7.30, none of his watches are ever usually correct so he relied on the sun instead. H e had his eyes transfixed on the window now as if he knew what was to come. His finger was quickly becoming impatient resting on the cold metal.
He had time to think. H e always gave himself enough time to think before hand. He thought of a million things, not rushing but walking through his head, at a steady calm and relaxed speed. None of them were directly relevant to why he was up there on the roof of a 68 story building in the middle of Dubai city, but they were still thoughts which had some sort of significance to his life and only his. Nothing which really mattered to anyone else was on his mind.
"Click" he made an adjustment to one of the settings on the instrument.
He readied it; it was his time to perform. The audience took their place, he could see the audience vaguely through the window now, and frankly he wasn't certain, he just wanted it over and done with now. He positioned his fingers gently over the front control, at the back for balance and placed his chosen finger on the single key which would play his melody. The same melody he'd been playing for a long time now, in fact the only melody he ever played. It was this same melody he played some few days go but on a different roof top and at a different time, but the same melody nevertheless.
"...tick..." finally he fine tuned a knob on the top of the instrument which would allow him to get the most bull's-eye precision and accuracy.
At last he played.
"BOOM", the sound echoed through the air and floated around the atmosphere for a bit. The melody was heard by all but more importantly; felt by one. The effect was; the victim fell to the ground. There had always been a downside to the beauty of his music, there had always needed to be some sort of sacrifice, usually people he didn't even know. The show was almost over, except of course; the finale. This was a fairly straight forward and predictable act, yet he performed it with such skill that it never ceased to amaze; his finale: the most ingenious disappearing act.
I’m glad you picked out the last line of the extract, I think this is the strongest part of the story, making you read back over the beginning with a new perspective: it wasn’t a personal killing, he had never seen the woman before. You have also pointed out the realism, which is a key factor for crime writing. The storyline has to be plausible enough to envelope the reader in this alternative world.
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautifully written piece, thoroughly enjoyable. I love the conceit of the gun being an instrument and his audience being the crowds into which he shot, really original! I think maybe you could have built the tension even more, maybe holding off telling us what he was holding until he shoots it. “most bull's-eye precision and accuracy” makes it too plain in the readers mind. I’m not sure how you could achieve it, but perhaps make it less obvious throughout. The language you use sets the scene perfectly, maybe try to envelope the reader in the language to trick them into not seeing what you are setting up.
Also, be careful of local repetitions, you use the same words a lot in a short space of writing. For example ‘audience’ and ‘finale’. There was one line I wasn’t sure of, “The effect was; the victim fell to the ground”. I think it would be stronger without “the effect was”. Overall you set this opening up really well, it makes the reader want to read on to find out who this man is and why he is killing the people that he is. Really impressive work!
Fizzy,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I’m really glad to be assigned to you and your writing. I’m looking forward to everything you’ve got over the next few weeks. I like the brief analysis and understanding of what End in Tears did for you literary-wise. I agree, that description and detail is hugely important, but must be controlled, as to not completely ruin the story’s progression. Well done! (I also love the phrases that you pulled out of it – they’re quite striking)
I like that you’ve seen the importance of your mentioned description and added it into your own piece. That is so crucial for you as a writer, and I’m really glad to see that. And, I absolutely LOVED the whole idea of a continuing metaphor/symbolic representation for this piece. I do believe it’s wonderfully creative and imaginative. You make clear what happens, but do it in a very subtle, clever way, and is a key ingredient in crime writing. I think it works perfectly (eerie and moving!) in comparing a murder, a criminal event, to the beauty and movement of instruments and music. It’s almost haunting, because you relate something so foreign to something we can all relate to. Well done!
One thing I will say though, is pay attention to detail when editing your work. There are spots where small words are missing, or grammatically things don’t make as much sense as they could. In the opening paragraph, you switch from past to present in the sentence about his watch, so just be careful with stuff like that, otherwise, I think this is very interesting. And one final thing, is I would try to stay away from words like “a bit”, “about”, “around” when describing approximations – it just delegitimizes your work.
But, overall, I’m really impressed with my first read of your work. Can’t wait for next week!
Genevieve