I enjoyed this excerpt the most because I found it quite comical, for example when describing how being born is a blessing in itself. It also grabbed my attention as soon as I started reading it, since the author speaks directly to you which make you feel as you are part of the book. Also the fact that it is structured in short paragraphs makes you want to read it because if it was in long paragraphs with very long sentences, your brain would switch off as soon as you look at it.
I Once Remember When....
December 1996 was a month that would decide were the rest of my life would be built. It was a month that decided my fate. I made my first journey out of Algeria, and my first ride on a plane at the age of four; now you tell me how many people you know made a plane journey at that age, not many are there.
Well basically I got on the plane with my mother, father, grandfather and sister; well my sister didn't exactly take up a seat by herself, she was more or less taking up most of my mums. Anyway so we were on the plane going to Turkey for a one week stop before joining our family in England.
When we arrived in Turkey the first difference I could see was that the sky was greyer than how I left it in Algeria, the attendants in the airport were also cold, to match their weather.
We finally got to the room which we were staying at for that week.
The third day into our week me and my mum went out with a lady- the managers wife- she was showing us around, the female parts of town, shopping!!!On the way I got into a strop with my mum, because she told me to stop annoying the woman when I wasn't; I was just asking her if she had a little sister inside her tummy just like my mum, I mean I was trying my best to bond with the lady, couldn't my mum understand that. I could almost hear my mum blaming herself for taking me with her instead of leaving me with my granddad, the woman also started to feel uneasy towards me; so I decided to do them a favour and I crossed the road.
I started day dreaming about how it's going to be like going on a plane again to finally see my family again; I didn’t realise where I was going until I saw myself inside a shop and surrounded by clothes. The shop attendant saw me and started talking to me, but I understood nothing of what she was saying; and I think she realised because she took me by the hand to the front of the shop and started to speak through the mike.
Of course no one came. No one wanted me. Then as if from a fairytale; guess who walked through the door...my mother...yes it was her I wasn't dreaming, my mum had come back for me. As soon as I saw her I ran up to her and hugged her before I had the time to wake up.
Our way home was accompanied by silence. It divided me and my mum for the rest of the day.
This experience has played an impact on my life, and has always made me feel uneasy towards going to new countries. However some good has come out of it as well, I now know that I should never ask a woman if she is pregnant until she brings up the subject herself.
i am sori for not participating in earlier tasks, because of problems which i have explained to sir.
ReplyDeleteso appologies for that and i am sori to have kept you all waiting
Hi Capricorn93, welcome back!
ReplyDeleteI agree that the Bill Bryson piece is comical, he has a really informal tone which is very appealing. I'm glad you identified the structure too, as it does make his piece much easier to read.
Unfortunately, you haven't really used either of these in your own writing. I found the pale pink really hard to read against the white, and it looks like one big block, especially towards the end. Maybe in another draft you could try and emulate the structure of Bryson's that you liked so much.
You have a very informal tone to your piece, but in places it becomes a bit distracting, as the emphasis feels like it should be on the journey rather than the development of the character. Some words feel superfluous, such as "Anyway so", and "basically", I think that you could trim them down.
I think you could trim down on the story too. Instead of leaving Algeria, and being in Turkey for just one week before going to England, why not just be on holiday in Turkey? There is a small word count, and you could use the extra space by extending some images, for example, when the narrator remembers being in the shop, you could describe what she saw and felt, get some really sensory description in.
I like the idea of a lost child, but at age 4 in an unfamiliar city, I'm not sure that it is realistic to have a child just wandering off. Maybe you could emphasise how busy the street was and say how the child's hand was jostled out of it's mother's, rather than "doing them a favour" which I don't think is convincing for a child so young. I know that you yourself are a teenager, so be wary of letting your own speech impact on characters who wouldn't speak or act like that.
You capture the speech of a child with "asking her if she had a little sister inside her tummy" which is really great, and quite hard to do, so I think that with a bit of tweeking you could iron out this irregularities.
Sometimes, the language you use is a little confusing too. In the shop, your narrator says that they aren't dreaming, but then right after says that they hug their mother before they wake up, which implies that they would be dreaming.
I think that your story has a lot of potential, and I know you've been out of practice with the blog, but I think with another edit this story could be really good.
Keep up the good work! I'm looking forward to reading your next post :o)
Frances
Hey capricorn93
ReplyDeleteTHis is a really interesting piece. I can see where you have tried to mimic Bill Bryson's novel, althoguh I don't feel you've quite managed it. One thing I love and Bill Bryson is his ability to make something small and seemingly insignificant into something larger and funnier. Althoguh you have managed to get humour into the piece, the event is too dramatic to be a mimic of Bryson. You mentioned the short paragraphs of Bryson. Although your paragraphs are short, which does make it easier to get through, unlike Brysons they are all describing the same thing. In this extract of Bryson's all his paragraphs are referencing a different reason never to be unhappy.
I really liked the coloquial tone of the piece, althoguh I agress with Frances, it does sound much like a teenager, and the experience is thta of a little girl. I loved the part about asking the woman if she was pregnant. This really sounded as if you were a child and not a teenager.
The whole peice is about your time in turkey, and althoguh i liked the first paragraph I don't think it is particularly necessary for the piece.
I really liked the last line, i thought it sounded much like a moral and rounded the piece of nicely. well done
Kat
Hello,
ReplyDeleteYou make some very nice observations in your piece. For example, I like how you compare the airport attendants to the weather. :)
I also think you've chosen a very good story to relate for your travel piece - we have all had the experience of losing our parents as children, which makes your piece very relatable, and to have this take place in an unfamiliar country adds an extra edge. Nice work.
I agree that the last paragraph adds some moral lessons for the reader, but I'm not sure they're necessary. I like the idea that the narrator has learned to not ask a woman if she is pregnant, and I think it's important to keep that observation in the story, but I don't think it's necessary to explain that the narrator's feelings toward travel have been changed since then - that sounds more like material for another story! :)
Keep up the good work,
Maria