Part 1
My favorite excerpt was the one from 'End in Tears' by Ruth Rendell because I thought that it used the show and not tell technique very well. I also liked the twist in the end; I believe that it was what made the excerpt so powerful. All the while I was reading I thought that the man was waiting for the woman to speak to her or something, but then it ended up him trying to kill her. That to me was just unexpected. I don't really have a detailed explanation for why I liked it so much; it was more because it jumped out and grabbed me then me trying to come to grasp with its qualities.
Part 2
I was there more confused than ever. It couldn’t be her. She couldn’t be dead. I spoke to her only yesterday that she told me she was going to meet her future soul mate. She was planning her wedding with him; this couldn’t be happening. No. It was a dream I was going to wake up any minute now and find that she was my next case. I never thought I would have to mix my social and work life together; I guess life is not always as you planned it out to be.
So I was there in complete shock in the room with the only person left that I trusted now at my feet, and covered in blood. She had a necklace pattern planted in her skin, shed always loved necklaces I didn’t know that it would even go for her death. She had slits in her arm which made sure that every spot of the floor was red. They were finely cut so that each piece of flesh on either side was smooth.
I took out my note book and started to record what I saw; before realizing that everyone around me was looking at my every move. So I told them each to get on with their work and to let me get on with mine. I wrote down exact descriptions of the crime scene as painful as it was. It wasn’t until then did I notice the smell, a tangy smell; I guessed straight away what it was but when I did I wish ed I hadn’t. It was bad enough seeing my best friend on the floor in front of me and everyone around me, but for her to have actually pissed it was too embarrassing in front everyone; despite the fact that she was dead.
And that was how my last case started. Finding my only full time friend on the floor dead. That was something I would never have imagined to have to cope with that as part of the CSI, but I guess that was another misjudgment on my behalf.
I found this task so hard to come to grasps with and this was the best i could do. so please try to enjoy it :)
ReplyDeleteYou say you struggled with this assignment, but I think you succeeded in coming up with a pretty unique premise for an interesting crime story. This piece reveals information slowly, but in a way that is fair to the reader - you keep us interested. I like how in the end we find out that this is the narrator's "last case." This is a neat little detail that adds mystery, because now we want to know WHY it is the narrator's last case. Great work.
ReplyDeleteA few things - from your descriptions in paragraph 2, I'm still not sure what the cause of death was. The necklace pattern detail is particularly confusing - did a necklace play some part in her death? I like the image of the slits in her arms, but I still find it difficult to picture them, and what role they played in the girl's death. So when revising this paragraph, try to be more specific.
I think I also need more hints of setting. Are they indoors? Outdoors? Is it night? Day? What's the weather like? I'd suggest putting this information in paragraph 2.
I enjoyed this. Keep it up!
Maria
Hi Capricorn93,
ReplyDeleteI agree that Rendell's piece does have a shocking unexpected ending, but there are some clues; such as the the lump of concrete. Whilst we might not understand them immediately, they set off alarm bells that something isn't quite right.
Now onto your own piece: I agree with Maria that whilst you say you've struggled, I think you've done a good job! I think that your idea is interesting, and I especially love how you tell the readers that this is the narrator's "last case" because it's prophetic, but the reader's will want to know the whys and hows of the story.
The necklace iconography is nice, am I right in thinking she was strnagled with hers? I'm with Maria on the slits in the arms as well; I just don't know how to picture them. Are there many, or is it just one across each wrist? How big are they? I do like the description of the "smooth" skin though, I'd like a little bit more of this kind of description. With a bit of a tweak, you could iron this section out no problem.
I hope you enjoy the next task more than this one!
Frances :o)
thank you both for your comments they've made me feel much more confident so really thank you. And i'll try to improve in my next task and thank you for your advise i hope i've taken it all onboard :)
ReplyDelete