Part 1
End in Tears by Ruth Rendell
I thought this piece of writing was the most effective because this crime extract had the best descriptive, thought provoking writing than the other four.
This crime extract made me feel like I was in it and I was there listening and answering these basic questions, e.g. He closed his hand over the mobile in his pocket, worried because it hadn’t rung. Then it rang.
‘Yes?’
‘She’s left. You want the number again?’
‘I’ve got it. A silver Honda.’
‘Right.’
‘A silver Honda. Should be along in four minutes.’
The author wanted to leave you guessing what’s going to happen and make you want to read the whole book.
Part 2
The Burglary
End in Tears by Ruth Rendell
I thought this piece of writing was the most effective because this crime extract had the best descriptive, thought provoking writing than the other four.
This crime extract made me feel like I was in it and I was there listening and answering these basic questions, e.g. He closed his hand over the mobile in his pocket, worried because it hadn’t rung. Then it rang.
‘Yes?’
‘She’s left. You want the number again?’
‘I’ve got it. A silver Honda.’
‘Right.’
‘A silver Honda. Should be along in four minutes.’
The author wanted to leave you guessing what’s going to happen and make you want to read the whole book.
Part 2
The Burglary
There was a loud hysterical unfamiliar knock on the door which woke me up from that nightmare I was having about a burglary I got up quickly, panicking thinking who would come to my flat at this time of night. “Who is and what do you want?” I whispered .I opened the door, peaking to see who it is and there… this man in an all black outfit from head to toe was there with a bag full of goods in his filthy hands. “Give me your money” said the vicious, angry man. I responded gently in a scared voice saying “Leave me alone or else I’ll be dialling 999”.
At that exact moment the man rushed passed the door and ran in to my flat, “HELP! HELP! HELP” I squealed repeatedly as if it was a siren. The man helped himself to all my belongings and replied with “Shut your mouth you stupid lady or you’ll be dead”. He grabbed me and strangled me and asked for a rope and guess what, there I was mumbling “help!” and crying because I was tied up several times to a wooden chair and I couldn’t breathe.
The man had broken into my safe and stole the money which I was going to use for university next year. Then there was another loud knock on the door. “Are you done have you have you got all the gold and money, ahahaha!” exclaimed a strange man from outside, very selfishly and loud. The man warned me if I told the police he and his mate would give me another mind blowing disturbed visit which eventually shut me up. The man ran out of my flat giggling away like it was funny joke.
There was bright shining light of the sun from outside the window, was making me cringe. I could hear neighbours children moaning and groaning to not wake up. But still there I was stranded in my very own float waiting for someone to help me.
Hi Nadzzy,
ReplyDeleteIn your analysis of the Ruth Rendell excerpt, you identify the importance of hooking the reader and creating suspense in crime fiction. Your points are very valid and you have the makings of a good crime scene here. There are some nice quirky details such as the burglar giggling and the narrator squealing like a siren – both of which contribute to the comic potential of the piece. I also enjoyed the slightly casual tone: ‘...helped himself to all my belongings...’
Although the narrator does cry and scream, you focus more on her bewilderment and panic than on her fear, and, in keeping with the burglary nightmare mentioned in the opening, there’s a slightly surreal feel to this piece. You’ve also invested it with an emotional dimension; the narrator’s university fees are being stolen so in one sense, the burglar is stealing her future.
Overall, the piece would benefit from a closer look at punctuation (you’re short a few commas), spelling (last sentence ‘float’ should be ‘flat’) and grammar. In the first paragraph you slip into the present tense: ‘.... I opened the door, peaking to see who it is.’ This should read: ‘.... peeking to see who it was.’
You could also think about applying the ‘show don’t tell’ rule a little more. ‘The man had broken into my safe and stole (should be stolen) the money...’ Could we see the man doing this? The filth of his hands is an excellent detail. Could we have a few more details/specifics? Is he wearing a balaclava? If not, what does he look like, or who or what does he remind the narrator of? What belongings does he steal before he steals the money?
Putting some more of this into dialogue (for example, let us hear the man asking for the rope rather than telling us he asks for it) would also heighten its immediacy and hook the reader into the scene a little more.
There is lots of potential here. Very well done!
Joanne
Hi naddzy,
ReplyDeleteYour focus shows real progress from last week. It's a single, powerful event told concisely. You're also doing better with imagery (the siren voice). Well done.
Having the woman woken from a dream about burglary is a clever twist on the "and then I woke up, It was all a dream!" cliché. Perhaps you could describe the dream a bit, add details and make the reader as confused as the woman would be when she final wakes up.
In general, the writing is good (though do proof-read carefully and check basic grammar errors as Joanne pointed out). The last paragraph is especially poetic, poignant, quite beautiful.
One thing you might want to try is writing in the present tense or a more active past.
Compare
"The was a loud hysterical unfamiliar knock which woke me...."
to
"He grabbed me and strangled me and asked for a rope."
To me, the second is more powerful because it describes the action with more immediacy and no unnecessary words.
Beginning the sentence with the subject ("A loud, hysterical unfamiliar knock woke me...") will give you this more active effect. Of course this is not a RULE, and writers need to play around with such toys as tense. Using the active voice is worth keeping in mind, though; especially if it feels more powerful to YOU.
Not all of the unconventional writing "and guess what?"(?) works for me, but most of it does "hysterical unfamiliar knock" "mind blowing disturbed visit."
And, as I said, the last paragraph is wonderful, especially "I could hear neighbours children moaning and groaning not wake up."
Because of the progress you've shown in one week, I'm confident you can clean up the grammar and proof-reading problems and concentrate more on details and imagery
The extract does pose a lot of questions to try and maintain the readers interest and encourage them to read on. I wonder that you felt you were answering the questions that were being asked, perhaps you are referring to the tension that questions within dialogue build. I hope that reading this extract has made you want to buy the book!
ReplyDeleteVery fast paced piece of writing! You drop the reader straight into the action and it doesn’t stop until the last sentence. The ending was effective as it is left open. Be carful when using adjectives not to use too many, as it creates a list rather than adding to the description, “loud hysterical unfamiliar”. Also, be careful what you choose to do with you authorial voice. It is your choice whether you speak to the audience or not, but you need to be consistent throughout your work. “and guess what” seems out of place within this piece.
I would also work on building your characters. You set up a really mean antagonist, but I feel you could emphasise this more. I really want to hate these people, work on what you already have to evoke sympathy in the reader for your narrator.
Really interesting piece, as you point out in your opening, the things nightmares are made of!