From Notes from a Small Island by Bill Bryson (1995)
I love this extract as Bryson's attention to detail is original, comical yet true and therfore makes the reader think about what they have just read. The little facts such as "father ejaculated (and frankly he did it quite a lot) he produced roughly 25 million spermatozoa" are rather comical but also true so it is a very effective way of telling the story. I also like the way it is broken into stages rather than just listed as it gives a structure to the story and works well as it means the author doesnt waffle as much.
Part 2
The sky resembled a giant whale, it was brilliantly blue with endless lines mapping its back. It was the most amazing place, untouched and unseen by most humans yet they had still managed to harm it, although thankfully, this was not visible. The world looked perfect and this was only the begining of my holiday.
The rain still poured, dampening my optimism as I gazed out of the window. It was empty. From here, London was empty, all that remained were those buildings tall enough to stand out from the crowd. The funnels, chimneys and buildings seemed so small in comparison to me. At 5'11 im no giant but I felt like God; like I could flick canary wharf and it would crush the Gherkin as though some giant trail of falling dominoes. Journeying further north, I came across my uncles work place, my school and the Eifel tower...huh? The Eifel tower is in Paris unless it was moved overnight. I am pretty sure it was not outside my school when I left yesterday . However mum is quick to clear up my confusion by reminding me we left the airport 20 minutes ago and were now flying over France.
The journey from London to Barcelona is short, so short that if you fall asleep and happen to gaze out the window having just left england, the masses of buildings, rivers and people all look the same. It is hard to distinguish the accents let alone the country. The sky is a blinker, a filter to my eyes, and from here everything seems the same. In this moment, I was reminded that despite the different nations, different eye colours and different shoe sizes, under the sky; we are all one. And barcelona was great by the way.
Hi Sparky,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed Bill Bryson's writing too, I agree that whilst factual, he is also very funny. I agree with you again when you say that Bryson doesn't waffle, he is very economical and efficient; every word counts.
Now on to your own piece. I think the image of the sky as a giant whale is a really interesting one, although I didn't quite get it at first. I didn't realise straight away that your narrator was on a plane, you don't mention this until about half way through. The first section gets a little muddled; you say the sky is "a brilliant blue", but then in the next paragraph you say that it is raining which is contradictory.
I think the idea of your narrator flicking over Canary Wharf and crushing the Gherkin is fantastic, it gives a sense of how big, 'God -like' your narrator feels, as well as being funny. Extending this imagery with the falling dominoes metaphor really worked for me. Nicely done!
I like the narrator, they're affable and accessible for the readers, good work!
I'm less sure about the ending though. Whilst I haven't been to Spain before, I'm pretty sure that Barcelona is different from London.
If you want to concentrate on the differences between Londoners and Barcelonians, I think you could delve a little further than shoe size and eye colour because this is something that, despite both living in the UK, me and you would differ on, for example. That doesn't make me/you any more/less Spanish. You scratch the surface, but I think you could delve a little deeper and this would give your piece another dimension and show the readers something that they might not already know.
As always, I've enjoyed reading your work, and I'm excited for your next post!
Frances
Hi Sparky,
ReplyDeleteI've read your piece several times and still find it difficult to comment usefully. But I'll give it a shot.
Part of me sees this as a "flight of fantasy." The blue sky above a rainy London. Seeing the Gherkin, then your uncle's workplace, then school all on takeoff? Maybe I should pay more attention, but in any case it really slows down the experience in a good way.
Then (north?) and the Eiffel Tower. Is that possible at altitude?
The narrator does imagine themself a God. And the overall theme is, I think, a hope for a Utopian perfection spoiled by xenophobia below and pollution above.
I definitely like the fact that you delay letting the reader know the scene is on an airplane. It forces us to go back to the beginning and work out some of the strange scenes I mention above.
As Frances said, the metaphors do what good ones do - make us see familiar things (sky, buildings) from a new perspective.
I also love the dry wit of:
"I'm pretty sure (the Eiffel Tower) was not outside my school when I left."
But I think you overexplain by having the mother, um, explain. Keep that fantasy, disorientation, confusion going?
The ending is where I have some difficulty.
"It is hard to distinguish the accents never mind the country." Are we still in the plane? Hearing accents which if we heard we might not recognise but would distinguish from other accents?
Perhaps the theme takes over a bit here. The sky as "a blinker, a filter to (for?) my eyes is interesting, but the "everything looks the same and everyone is the same" theme is a bit worn out. Nothing wrong with the idea, but I think your imaginative writing deserves a more edgy theme.
The last line
"And barcelona was great by the way" is wonderfully off-hand and emphasises the strange nature of the flight. I'm just not sure how strange you meant it to be.
Hope this helps. Thanks for an enjoyable read.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteYou've got some of the wry humour of Bill Bryson's writing here, with some really nice touches. I'm really impressed with the image you've set up here: "I could flick canary wharf and it would crush the Gherkin as though some giant trail of falling dominoes." This is really great writing; it's a shame that the rest of the piece isn't quite consistent with the tone and direction of your writing at this point.
Like Pugnax, I struggle with the flight of fancy/realism of this piece, and wonder how you want the reader to take it. I like the idea of presenting travel writing in a sort of stream-of-consciousness way: when you're travelling, your perception is altered in this way. But it's difficult to see to what end you're employing this device, as not much time is spent on each arresting image; we're not given enough room to take things in, even if they're supposed to be confusing. I'm thinking about things like the Eiffel Tower appearing next to London landmarks: why is the narrative voice so disorientated at this point that they think these things are close together? Unless this is a dream sequence (unusual in this type of writing), my only guesses are that the voice is that of a child, or the speaker has fallen asleep between London and Paris!
There's good stuff here, though, so I'd suggest just settling in your mind what it is you want from the READER; if it seems confusing to you as you write, it will almost definitely confuse the reader too...
Looking forward to your next piece.
Penny