Part 1
The Worst Journey in the World by Apsley Cherry-Gerrard (1922)
I chose The Worst Journey in the World by Apsley Cherry-Gerrard because out of all five travel literatures this one had the most effective, detailed writing about the whole scene, appearance and atmosphere.
Apsley Cherry-Gerrard used thought-provoking, figurative description for the atmosphere “....The moon was showing a ghastly ragged mountainous edge above us in the fog, and as we rose we found that we were on a pressure ridge”, and a good use of vocabulary and adjective.
The author used amazing language and sound effects for how the ice cracked it made you fell like you were really there, “More bangs, and creaks, and groans; for that ice was moving and splitting like glass. The cracks went off all round us, and some of them ran along for hundreds of yards”.
The opening of The Worst Journey in my World was extraordinary it was like the writing just started from nowhere, “Our troubles were greatly increased by the state of our clothes. If we had been dressed in lead we should have been able to move our arms and necks and heads more easily than we could now”.
Part 2
My Travel Literature - My Amazing Journey to Paris
Apsley Cherry-Gerrard used thought-provoking, figurative description for the atmosphere “....The moon was showing a ghastly ragged mountainous edge above us in the fog, and as we rose we found that we were on a pressure ridge”, and a good use of vocabulary and adjective.
The author used amazing language and sound effects for how the ice cracked it made you fell like you were really there, “More bangs, and creaks, and groans; for that ice was moving and splitting like glass. The cracks went off all round us, and some of them ran along for hundreds of yards”.
The opening of The Worst Journey in my World was extraordinary it was like the writing just started from nowhere, “Our troubles were greatly increased by the state of our clothes. If we had been dressed in lead we should have been able to move our arms and necks and heads more easily than we could now”.
Part 2
My Travel Literature - My Amazing Journey to Paris
As we came out of the ferry we saw the beautiful city of France, it wasn’t looking that amazing when we were outside the ferry, and it was really scruffy and ugly. We yelled out for the taxi, so we can go and eat at a restaurant. When we got into the restaurant it was crowded with a lot of tourist just like us.
“Bonjour, ca va?” I said politely to the waitress because that was the only two French word I knew back then. She replied ending with some other French vocabulary, which I didn’t know.
On that same day we went to visit the best tourist attraction places, and there it was the most mind blowing monument, The Eiffel Tower it looked amazing, I tipped my head to see the top tip of the Tower, but I couldn't’t because the sun was upon there and it was making me cringe.
The next day we went to see the top theme park in Paris, Disneyland. There were a lot of children messing about holding their parents hand. We went on a ride “ARGHHHHH” several children were yelling and screaming. The ride nearly made me puke which felt very atrocious.
That same day we went to dinner and dance, which was very lovely and relaxing, and all of us had a good time, listening to French songs. After the dinner and dance we went back to hotel and went to sleep.
Before it was time to leave and go to the ferry, we stopped at the very best souvenir shop, and brought several French key rings, goody bag, flag etc and stopped at the café, to eat what France was known for the beast, bread and cheese.
We walked quick, anxiously thinking that we missed the ferry taking us back to England. But as soon as we got there it was time for it to sail, so we made it.
“Bonjour, ca va?” I said politely to the waitress because that was the only two French word I knew back then. She replied ending with some other French vocabulary, which I didn’t know.
On that same day we went to visit the best tourist attraction places, and there it was the most mind blowing monument, The Eiffel Tower it looked amazing, I tipped my head to see the top tip of the Tower, but I couldn't’t because the sun was upon there and it was making me cringe.
The next day we went to see the top theme park in Paris, Disneyland. There were a lot of children messing about holding their parents hand. We went on a ride “ARGHHHHH” several children were yelling and screaming. The ride nearly made me puke which felt very atrocious.
That same day we went to dinner and dance, which was very lovely and relaxing, and all of us had a good time, listening to French songs. After the dinner and dance we went back to hotel and went to sleep.
Before it was time to leave and go to the ferry, we stopped at the very best souvenir shop, and brought several French key rings, goody bag, flag etc and stopped at the café, to eat what France was known for the beast, bread and cheese.
We walked quick, anxiously thinking that we missed the ferry taking us back to England. But as soon as we got there it was time for it to sail, so we made it.
Hi and welcome, nadzzy.
ReplyDeleteYou show a keen ability to recognise strong writing in the analysis of "The Worst Journey..."
The alliteration, imagery and, especially, the way the writer jumps into the middle of the story. all unsettle the reader.
Your piece begins well when you describe France (Paris? - make sure you proof-read and check any grammar problems)) as "scruffy and ugly" instead of the more typical reaction. Could you be more specific? It's scruffy and ugly like a... A visual image/comparison would work well here.
The major problem here is (as Mr. Savage warned in his introduction) that you try and describe an entire trip in too short a space.
Any one of the experiences you identify could easily fill out a few pages.
I think the best writing here is
"I tipped my head to see the top tip of the Tower, but I couldn't because the sun was upon there and it was making me cringe."
The alliteration of "t" makes me hear the stretch of a neck; and the repetition leaves the reader a bit breathless. The unusual use of "upon" is quite original/fresh sounding; and "cringe" is a powerful verb.
In a revision you should choose this or any of the other incidents and describe it fully. The strength of the Eiffel Tower paragraph and your appreciation of the "The Worst Journey" shows you're more than capable of top work.
The dinner and dance might be a good focus point. Use all your senses (sight smell, etc.) to re-imagine that night. Think of images that capture how you felt, as well. Maybe just quickly jot down what you remember and see what sentences, images emerge.
I look forward to seeing more work.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteYou're dead right about the sense of being thrown right into the extract. It's a very effective opening. I agree with you on that clinging atmosphere too - it's great. I can see why you chose it - good explanation.
You describe things clearly - I could see each scene, and I liked the inclusion of snippets of dialogue. Well done. I enjoyed it. I'll go through some specific things that might help.
Your adjectives are great. I think they would work even better if you didn't emphasise them - 'and it was really scruffy and ugly' could be more effetive wihtout the 'really' for example.
'When we got into the restaurant it was crowded with a lot of tourist just like us.' I think this would be a good opening. This way you don't introduce the place in a journalistic way, which is easy to do with travel writing, but best avoided.
This: 'She replied ending with some other French vocabulary, which I didn’t know' sounds a little over-explained, again making things see more like an article. You could just say 'I didn't understand anything she said.'
'The ride nearly made me puke which felt very atrocious.' I liked the conflict of tone here. 'Puke' and 'atrocious' have different registers - one formal one slang. I like that. You could bring it out more. One thing with this sentence, and some others, is that it would be better to break them up to bring out that tone. So have 'It was atrocious. I nearly puked' for example.
I like this paragraph - it felt very much like the end of the holiday:
Before it was time to leave and go to the ferry, we stopped at the very best souvenir shop, and brought several French key rings, goody bag, flag etc and stopped at the café, to eat what France was known for the beast, bread and cheese.
When you introduce things, in this case bread and cheese, use a colon ':'.
Well done with this. I enjoyed reading it. Take care,
Andy
Hi Nadzzy,
ReplyDeleteWell done on your travel piece, and your first piece for wordvoodoo it seems.
I was really impressed with your analysis of Apsley Cherry-Gerrard’s excerpt. ‘... it was like the writing just started from nowhere.’ Excellent observation!
Very astutely, you draw attention to Cherry-Gerrrard’s ‘detailed’ writing and how the ice sound effects ‘made you feel like you were really there...’ Your piece also had some nice moments of immediacy when I felt as though I was travelling with you. Using the French dialogue, for example, really brought the setting alive and I also very much enjoyed the moment when you tipped your head but couldn’t see the top of the tower. It was particular and filmic – I could see it very clearly. And I liked the humour in the Disneyland scene.
As it stands, the piece is a little too general. As pugnax said, you could choose any one of the incidents you’ve touched on and elaborate. Tension is a good hook for readers so the Disneyland scene or the tourist restaurant scene might work well.
I’d really like some more details too. Sometimes, in order to draw out specifics, it helps to ask yourself questions, for example: what did the French songs sound like? What did the bread and cheese taste like? The more questions you ask yourself, the more you’ll remember, or invent (which is even better!).
I look forward to reading more of your work!
Joanne
Thank you for all your comments and advice, which i'll be working on.
ReplyDeleteThank you
Nadzzy
Part One
ReplyDeleteI agree that the opening is particularly strong; it implies that their troubles were already great, and things are becoming increasingly bad. You are placed in the middle of the action and you predict the crux of the story is fast approaching. You have picked up on the emotive language used to really evoke an empathy with the protagonist, I’m glad that you really connected with the story.
Part Two
You’ve got a really strong opening to this extract, I love the idea that you have been expecting a beautiful country as described in all of the tourist booklets, then when you arrive you realise it is a country not much unlike our own. It brings to mind the old cliché “the grass is always greener”. (France=country, make sure you double check everything when you proof read). You start off with quite a humorous tone which I think would have been good carried throughout your extract. It is always good to keep your tone consistent, it really helps to make a convincing character.
Be careful with your tenses, as occasionally they get a little muddled, mixing present and past tense. “We yelled out for the taxi, so we can go” (so we could go). This will come with proof reading, it may be boring but I always find discrepancies in my work, even after a couple of proof reads!
I agree with the other moderators, maybe your work would be stronger if you picked one of the many interesting narrative events you have included, rather than trying to skim over them. I really like that you attempted to speak French, knowing you would not understand the reply. We all do it!
Overall, it was a very good first attempt at a word voodoo task, I look forward to reading more of your work! Apologies for the late reply, it has been a very hectic week, I will try to be more punctual in future.