Part 1
I enjoyed reading The Worst Journey in the World by Apsley Cherry-Gerrard as i found it quite fascinating and effective the way it included me in the text. It also uses quite a lot of emotive language and powerful punctuation for example "......." (Ellipsis)
Part 2
2 weeks before 17th February 2004, my mum and dad announced that we were going to England. I didn’t understand what they really meant, however I thought we might only be visiting .I knew it was going to be a great experience and a chance to at least explore most of the world. I and my sister couldn’t believe what we heard. We were full of excitement that we started jumping up and down. My brother, who was only 3 years old at that time didn’t know what on Earth was happening but copied what me and my sister were doing. As we started on the packing, my mum packed some of the new cutlery and pots and pans that she had bought. Why would she pack them if we were going on HOLIDAY? You are only supposed to pack clothes. I got over that, and my sister who was 9 years old helped me pack my bags. The night before the great day, most of my family came and slept over our house. It was really fun. The only thing I didn’t understand was why they were all saying ‘we are going to miss you’.
Dawn approached and the whole family woke up and got dressed. I helped carry the suitcases to the Beige Renault car. As my dad drove to the airport, we stopped at my primary school so I can give my best friends the last hug and the class my last goodbye.
When we arrived at the airport, my mum asked me to hug my aunties and uncles. One of my aunties started crying. Why was she crying and why did I have to say goodbye to my family and friends? That was another question I asked myself. My uncle accompanied us inside the airport where the security guards checked our luggage and led us to the body of the airport. There our passports and flight tickets got checked. We then had to say a finale goodbye to our uncle. We went through a white gate at the end of the airport where a blue and green bus took us near the plane. We jumped out and went in to the white and red plane. We departed at 10:30.While the plane was still hovering in the sky, I asked my mum the questions that were wondering inside my head. Her only answer was ‘we are going for good’
I sat on my seat quietly throughout the journey. I couldn’t talk. I didn’t know what happened to me as I knew I will be missing all my friends and family. As the plane embarked everyone stood up and started making their way out. I followed too behind my family. As I stepped out of the plane I asked my mum if she could tell me what ‘Hi’ was in English. She said I didn’t have to rush in starting to speak English.
This was the best journey I have ever had.
Part One
ReplyDeleteHe certainly does use very emotive language in order to evoke a sense of empathy in the reader. He really drags you into the setting and forces you to feel the extremes of the climate along with him. Try to elaborate a bit, explain why you liked the ellipses, did they create a feeling of monotony and time passing with little progress? Did they allow you to fill in the time gaps with your own imagination? Really explore what you liked within the text and why you identified with it.
Part Two
I really enjoyed your extract, it is a thoroughly interesting story that raised many questions and made me want to know more about how your story developed when you arrived into the country. It was well written, you keep the reader in a state of suspense. Even though the outcome is predictable, you don’t fall into the trap of revealing the crux too early. The ending was perfect, though I think it may have been stronger without “This was the best journey I have ever had”. Although this is an observation piece, don’t be afraid to put a bit of a spin on it. This story could potentially be very sad or funny depending on what you did with the language. Maybe try rewriting it in a number of styles and see which tone fits best with the story? Try putting the feelings that you had at the time more obviously into the piece.
Be careful with your tenses, occasionally you mix them up: “we stopped at my primary school so I can”. You’ve got a past and a present in the same sentence. Also, be careful with some of your phrasing, as your words can sometimes sound a little awkward. Overall, I would simply advise experimenting with tone and ensure you double check your work to make sure it reads fluidly. Maybe try reading it aloud and seeing if it jars at any point. Very impressive first submission to word blogger! I look forward to working with you in the future.
Hi Star,
ReplyDeleteWelcome to Word Voodo!
In your analyis, I'd like a little bit more of an explanation of why you liked some of the aspects of Cherry-Gerrard piece. What was so effective about the punctuation? Maybe you could give us an example of a line that made you feel so involved, or a particularly emotive image.
In your own work, you've got a good development of the plot, and like Gina said, you don't reveal the twist until the end, even though we all suspect it from the beginning.
You've got some nice images, I think my favourite one is the younger brother jumping up and down because his two older sisters are.
I agree with Gina that a couple of your phrases are a little awkward, but you could rememdy this with another edit.
In the middle section of your piece, you 'tell' rather than 'show' the readers what is happening through images. Instead of saying that an auntie was crying, you show her tears, if you understand what I mean? A metaphor and a simile can make a lot of difference.
This is a good first try, and I'm excited to see your next post!
Frances
Thank you very much for your comments. I will take your advice and use it next time in my work.
ReplyDeleteHello Star.
ReplyDeleteFirst off I have to agree with Gina and Frances that this is a very strong first offering to the blog which is very well-paced and bedecked with numerous little examples of subtle and well-observed human comedy.
You begin with a very interesting little effect. You write as first person, which therefore means that you can only relate what the narrator knows at that moment in time, and therefore your narrator knows that the family was leaving for good. But your writing very effectively ensures that the reader knows little more than what the child knows at the time of departure. Therefore the reader immediately knows more than the child, in that 'I thought we might only be visiting' is fairly obvious in indicating the opposite, but less than the narrator, in that we have to wait until the child catches up with us until we are given any new knowledge. Therefore the story is relayed not through the eyes of the narrator, but through the eyes of the narrator's younger self. This creates a feeling of impatience in the reader, but one that works very well as it acts as a very strong hook, as well as immediately establishing you as the more powerful element in the reader-writer relationship, as it becomes clear immediately that you are fully prepared to reveal the story at whatever pace you choose.
I should also agree with Frances that the three year old brother jumping up and down is a very funny and well-observed example of human comedy.
I also find your stance regarding travel writing very interesting. What is most fascinating is that you give us virtually no descriptive writing on any particular setting or country...and yet the whole piece is singularly driven by the journey to England, and because you have placed your reader very effectively in a position of empathy for the child narrator who knows nothing of England, it also becomes a voyage of discovery for the reader..even if he or she has visited England on many occasions or even lives there.
I would also agree with Gina that you could easily lose the final line, as ending with the notion of asking what 'Hi' is in English represents the full extent of how successfully you have creating empathy between the reader and the child, as this cleverly observed example of childhood naivety seems completely natural by this point of the story, as well as being affectionately humourous.
Well done,
Eoghan