Notes from a Small Island by Bill Bryson.
The reason I absolutely adore this extract is as follows. Firstly I love the blunt sense of humour Bryson encapsulates through his British Holiday Genre. I love the whit involved in this piece aswell, and recognise that it is all to easy when attempting this genre to over/under do the piece you are writing. The underlying skill on Bryson's behalf is remarkable, he could get carried away in this piece and lose thread, yet he demonstrates control and composure throughout the piece. This bare simplicity is the reason why I have chosen to base my piece around Bryson's 'Notes From A Small Island'.
Only in Angleterre.
As a 12 year old adolescent boy. The appeal of a holiday was nearly non-existent, and when my mum finally plucked up the courage to attempt the infamous 'pack your bags' line, I replied in the only way a monosyllabic 12 year old is capable of, 'why?'.
On that cold, damp and rather unpleasant Sunday morning, I did something that, it would seem, only the British are capable of. I arrived at Stansted's check in desk , with all 23kg of my allowed luggage, 5 hours before 'Ms. Plastic Fantastic 1986' even attempts to call a boarding announcement. I then do what all 'time unconscious' British people do when stuck in an airport, I turned to seek salvation in the Duty Free. Surely only god could be capable of creating such a place! With countless OAPs stuffing their suitcases with thousands of carcinogenic cigarettes, the overpowering smell of 'Blue Jeans' contaminates my nostrils and most annoying of all, we have the crying baby, no real Duty Free is complete without at least one! So I decide to take a walk to Mr. Mugabe's arcade. The only arcade I know of that distracts you with flashing, whirly things, and then runs off with your wallet.
So, now when I walk back to mother and tell her I've been robbed by an arcade, she's not impressed. We now do another typically British thing, that all families do at the airport, we decide to ignore each other. I go one way, she goes the other. Yet it soon becomes apparent this won't keep us apart, mainly because the only respectable shop contained within this cesspit is some stagnant pool of dribble by the name of 'Superdrug'. Which, contrary to its 'promising' name, completely dulls my sensual awareness to a point of near extinction.
The only thing that keeps me alive during this soul destroying period is the hope of hearing the infamous 'boarding call'. This very single thing, promises salvation to the typical beer swilling, sandal wearing, speedo-clad backpackers. When Ms. Plastic Fantastic finally does decide to stop mutilating her face and make the all important 'boarding announcement', the British defy Darwin's theory of Evolution. We suddenly evolve into ecstasy-induced beasts! The sprint to the boarding gates is on, only the fittest will survive, granny gets the bags, as the family sprints for their reserved seats.
Bruised but not beaten, we get our seats, I beg mother for the seat by the window so I don't go completely mad in this flying tin can, she accepts and we sit down. I take the opportunity to familiarise myself with my surroundings and notice a respectable looking couple and child position themselves in the seats behind me. As the rumble of the engines gradually increases, I finally start to unwind, allowing myself to claim back some well earned sleep, however my ears are kept awake by the intriguing sound of the child behind me and as I just turn around to see what the commotions about, he says he does not feel well.
In your analysis, you focus strongly on Bryson’s use of humour – clearly, one of the main reasons for his phenomenal success – and the influence of this style can be read in your own piece. However, I also think it’s important to note that Bryson also imparts a LOT of (often interesting) facts in this short excerpt. The biggest reason for Bryson’s phenomenal success? It’s funny, AND you learn something.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I’ve got to pick up on a few typos in this analysis – ‘whit’, rather than ‘wit’; ‘aswell’, rather than ‘as well’; and ‘all to easy’ rather than ‘all too easy’. Please proofread for these kinds of errors next time.
Like Bryson’s extract, your piece has some lovely, witty asides. A couple of my favourite lines are ‘countless OAPs stuffing their suitcases with thousands of carcinogenic cigarettes’ and ‘some stagnant pool of dribble by the name of “Superdrug'”’. Your observation about the British habit of arriving ridiculously early at airports is also spot on.
However, you do occasionally over do this humour, verging on being too much. For example, at a couple of points you say the same thing twice in different ways – ‘cold, damp, and rather unpleasant’ (it’s cold and damp, so of course it’s rather unpleasant), and ‘another typically British thing, that all families do at the airport’ (you could use either one of these phrases; both is repetitive) – which is something you should take care to avoid. This piece would be more readable with a good bit of editing down; I’d take Stephen King’s advice, and follow the formula of ‘2nd Draft = 1st Draft – 10%’ (this would also take you closer to the allotted word count). Editing your work in this way would remove some inconsistency of tense (‘I then do [present tense]… I turned to seek [past tense]’) and logic (‘the British defy Darwin's theory of Evolution… only the fittest will survive’), and also help sort out your punctuation.
There is some pleasurably acidic humour in this piece, which works particularly well because it is coupled with a really strong sense of place. However, the scenario could do with a bit more of a new twist, I think, as one of the main draws of travel writing is that it takes you somewhere new, or it tells you something you didn’t already know. A good, enjoyable effort, nonetheless.
Hi carlseberger,
ReplyDeleteI’m a new moderator on wordvoodoo. I really enjoyed your travel piece and I’m looking forward to reading more of your work.
This is a very funny account of a non-journey! I found the concept of the arcade ‘running off’ with your wallet and of you being ‘robbed by an arcade,’ particularly hilarious. These sentences have a nicely fantastical twist to them. They’re surprising and show a lot of imaginative energy.
I enjoyed the character of ‘Ms Plastic Fantastic,’ and would have liked a few more details about this woman’s appearance or behaviour. I found the idea of her ‘mutilating her face’ quite funny and wanted to know exactly how she was mutilating it. Similarly, I wanted to know why she was ‘Ms Plastic Fantastic 1986.’ What was she wearing? Did she have an ‘80s hairdo? Often, a couple of key details can really help to bring (fictional and non-fictional) characters to life on the page.
You evoke the monotony of familial interaction and the dread of the impending holiday extremely well. I thought it appropriate that you didn’t actually say where you were going – highlighting just how tedious a prospect the holiday was. I also liked how you didn’t get anywhere, but imply that things won’t get any better, and the child behind may vomit.
As sarah_c pointed out, the piece would be stronger if you rectified the inconsistencies in tense. You mainly use the present tense, which is fine, but you do need to use it all the way through. Also look out for repetitions – you use the words ‘salvation’ and ‘sprint’ more than once. Your final sentence should read, ‘...what the commotion is about...’
But very well done - you made me laugh!
Joanne
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteGreat satire which needs a bit more focus and bite.
Focus:
the above (below?) mentioned repetitions. Unless you use them intentionally (as in anaphora) they distract rather than add to the comedy. You could maybe imagine a Pythonesque sociologist repeating "the typical British..."; but I don't think it works with this persona.
The tense shift - I couldn't find a justification for it.
Intellectual rigour. I think you intended "devloution" - humans turning back into apes - rather than the beasts Darwin would say we were. Could work as apes, missing link kind of thing. The absurdity of rushing for reserved seats is worthy of satire. (My own favourite is people unbuckling their belts and getting up before the plane gets to the gate.)
Also, the "Mugabe arcade" is brilliant, topical - but don't most arcades "run away with your wallet"? Or am I missing some irony?
So many positives, though. Genuinely funny and observant. I think "rather" actually works well here. It, and maybe "proper" are quintessentially British. The weather is always rather something. This might merit repetition.
I love the fragment at the beginning. The abrupt stop is similar to the monosyllabic, reticent adolescent which the fragment defines. But the monosyllabic adolescent in this piece has plenty to say. Could almost ratchet up the anger, frustration, but it's pretty evident.
Highlighting the horror of "Superdrug" - a name whose meaning is long dead - is important. Maybe pursue that one a bit more.
"Ms. Plastic Fantastic 1986" is a vicious (good!) characterisation. A dated, botoxed beauty queen? I think the name does it all. You couldn't launch an assault on a more "fleshed out" character without evoking some reader sympathy for her.
For me the ending was a bit flat. diluted by the baby crying in Duty Free. Seems a redundancy rather than a foreshadowing.
Enjoyable and full of promise.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteYour tone is good here, with some witty asides and (may I say) some exemplary use of bracketing punctuation! Though it may seem silly to point this out, the humour of phrases like "Which, contrary to its 'promising' name, completely dulls my sensual awareness to a point of near extinction" is really heightened by the delay to the punchline that this sort of syntax creates. Impressive.
Sometimes in this piece, though, I think that you spell out a bit too much for the reader, and at other times rely on familiar phrases (I don't want to say cliche, because I'm not sure if they ARE cliche - just more "stock" comedic effects). For example, the "Miss Plastic Fantastic" phrase is a well-worn one for the sort of unblinking smileyness of airport staff in general. I know you have ideas that are as strong, if not better, than this!
Looking forward to your next piece.
Penny