I chose The Worst Journey in the World by Apsley Cherry-Gerrard because this excerpt was very effectual, using a lot of descriptive writing about the entire landscape, appearance and ambience.
I found Apsley Cherry-Gerrard's writing evocative and enthralling even though it is nearly eighty years since it was written. The story is told with openness, honesty and great attention to detail.
Apsley started in one of the most intriguing ways possible- starting with a problem personally, I think this is a perfect way to start a story because it instantly catches the reader’s attention and makes them want to read more.
This Excerpt was grippingly stupefying. I thoroughly enjoyed this excerpt it was mind-bogglingly excellent!!
Strike!
My family and I were in Guatemala enjoying our holiday but something precarious occurred.
On August 20th at 20:46 we experienced an earthquake. It was striking, astonishing and perilous with everything drastically moving and shaking, it felt like being on a miniature boat in a storm. It was something that’s been welded in to my memory, trapped in my mind.
Fear fiercely filched firm grip of me, my heart pulsating out of control. I took a well needed deep breath, and sprung in to apprehensive action. Firstly I rushed to my bed and got my pillow, this would protect my head from any falling rubble, I then scutled to the corner away from the window and the tall oak door this would protect me from shards of glass or wood. I was well protected. I was safe. I briefly looked to see if the rest of my family were out of harm's way. My parents clinging on to my terrified younger sister were taking shelter underneath the dining table. They were well sheltered. They were safe and sound.
The whole thing lasted for an extremely hazardous, prolonged hour. But it had passed and I was safe, my family were safe and there was no damage to our holiday home- without taking note of our belongings stretched out on the floor. What a relief!
Several days later we were all sitting on the couch, around the T.V watching the news and we came to know that Mexico was hit by an earthquake of 7.6 on the Richter scale and more than 20 people died! It was a distressing catastrophe.
There are two major fault lines that go through Guatemala, so the country has a lot of seismic activity.
The volcano Fuego erupts several times per day, it sends immense clouds of smoke abating high into the sky. It is the only active volcano of the three that surround Guatemala and it is especially impressive. The first time I saw it, I stopped in ore and took some photographs, but the locals continued with their business as if nothing was happening! But we’d gotten used to it as well and only stopped to watch on occasion. At night, it was possible to see red hot lava erupt from the volcano, the best place to see this, is from café Sky. A cafe that is located on a roof of a building near a school, from where you have a magnificent, picturesque view over the town and the surrounding volcanoes.
Antigua Guatemala, as the full name of this town goes, was the capital of Guatemala (actually the entire Spanish colony covering what is now Guatemala, Belize, El Salvador, Honduras and parts of Mexico) until it was hit by an earthquake in 1773. The entire town was destroyed and in 1776 the capital was moved to Guatemala City, hence the name Antigua Guatemala, which means ancient Guatemala.
On August 20th at 20:46 we experienced an earthquake. It was striking, astonishing and perilous. It was something that’s been welded in to my memory, trapped in my mind.
On August 20th at 20:46 we experienced an earthquake. It was striking, astonishing and perilous with everything drastically moving and shaking, it felt like being on a miniature boat in a storm. It was something that’s been welded in to my memory, trapped in my mind.
Fear fiercely filched firm grip of me, my heart pulsating out of control. I took a well needed deep breath, and sprung in to apprehensive action. Firstly I rushed to my bed and got my pillow, this would protect my head from any falling rubble, I then scutled to the corner away from the window and the tall oak door this would protect me from shards of glass or wood. I was well protected. I was safe. I briefly looked to see if the rest of my family were out of harm's way. My parents clinging on to my terrified younger sister were taking shelter underneath the dining table. They were well sheltered. They were safe and sound.
The whole thing lasted for an extremely hazardous, prolonged hour. But it had passed and I was safe, my family were safe and there was no damage to our holiday home- without taking note of our belongings stretched out on the floor. What a relief!
Several days later we were all sitting on the couch, around the T.V watching the news and we came to know that Mexico was hit by an earthquake of 7.6 on the Richter scale and more than 20 people died! It was a distressing catastrophe.
There are two major fault lines that go through Guatemala, so the country has a lot of seismic activity.
The volcano Fuego erupts several times per day, it sends immense clouds of smoke abating high into the sky. It is the only active volcano of the three that surround Guatemala and it is especially impressive. The first time I saw it, I stopped in ore and took some photographs, but the locals continued with their business as if nothing was happening! But we’d gotten used to it as well and only stopped to watch on occasion. At night, it was possible to see red hot lava erupt from the volcano, the best place to see this, is from café Sky. A cafe that is located on a roof of a building near a school, from where you have a magnificent, picturesque view over the town and the surrounding volcanoes.
Antigua Guatemala, as the full name of this town goes, was the capital of Guatemala (actually the entire Spanish colony covering what is now Guatemala, Belize, El Salvador, Honduras and parts of Mexico) until it was hit by an earthquake in 1773. The entire town was destroyed and in 1776 the capital was moved to Guatemala City, hence the name Antigua Guatemala, which means ancient Guatemala.
On August 20th at 20:46 we experienced an earthquake. It was striking, astonishing and perilous. It was something that’s been welded in to my memory, trapped in my mind.
Hi lilmiz.
ReplyDelete"Fear fiercely filched firm grip of me" is a real poet's line. The alliteration punctuates the rhythm and hurls the line along. "Filched" is minor form of theft, and may not accurately represent the meaning,; but the understatement (I think the technical term is bathos) does appropriately unsettle the reader. Anyway, I'm a sucker for a beautiful line; but sometimes (most would say always...) meaning does have to take precedence. A fine balance.
Some good advice I heard long ago was to cut the beginning of any first, second draft. Not a rule, but think of how your piece would develop if you started with this line/paragraph 2.
You have, though, put a lot of thought into structure. Framing your account with the repetition of "On Augusts 20th...) is a sophisticated device. It gives the piece a fatalistic tone. This is effective, but much of the middle detracts from this ominous feeling. Everything is dramatic up to and including the unusual "sprung into apprehensive action" (again, flowing sounds and understatement - perhaps a bit of your personal style emerging here - great!); but you then switch to a matter of fact "first" "then" reporting of events. Also reassure the reader quite early on that everyone is safe. I think it would be more powerful if you stayed with the tumult and fear longer. I don't think it's a coincidence that your most poetic lines emerge when recalling these emotions.
You go on to describe the volcano and the region. It feels like I've been dropped into a nature programme. I found it quite strange and I can't decide if it's a strange I like or don't. If you intended this (and it would fit with your switching from poetic emotion to understated fact), then go with it. Just wanted you to know the effect it had on this reader. Also, the first line (except for "precarious" - more understatement!) is a bit flat and tells the reader too much of what's to follow. The title, though, is punchy and effective.
You've put a lot of thought and effort into this piece. Keep exploring both the poetic and more structured aspects of your writing. You're showing alot of progress, and I'm really looking forward to more.
Hi Lilmiz,
ReplyDeleteIt’s great to see such an ambitious piece of writing. You’ve covered a lot in this, and I can see you’ve given it much thought.
The repeated phrase 'trapped in my mind' made the earthquake feel like a psychological event, too. This felt confirmed to me by the repeated paragraph at the end of your piece. I liked that you’ve conveyed an emotional dimension through the shock of the earthquake.
Because you've informed us of so much, you might want to decide what facts are most urgent for us as readers. I think it would be great for you to concentrate on some of the more sensory details to balance out the more factual accounts. I'd like to read some smells, sounds. I, too, enjoyed the poetic traits in your writing, contrasted with the factual; perhaps you could intensify these two elements a little more?
Well done. You have tackled this in a very ambitious way, which is great to see. Best of luck with it.
Liz
hey lilmiz,
ReplyDeletethis is a great piece, you've managed to capture the audience and deliver some interesting pieces oof information. However at times you've added so much general description that there seems to be no personal feelings, and any that you put in seem a little disjointed from the piece as a whole. i agree with Liz, you may want to think about which bits of information are vital and which you can afford to get rid of. You may also want to go deeper into descriptions of singular events. I think the first part about the earthquake was brilliant, maybe just expanding that event could work.
the first line, while setting the scene, and telling us where you were isn't really needed, starting with the second line, which is very powerful and exciting, maybe would have been a better start.
i loved the repetion at the end of the peice. It really added emphasis and brought the whole piece together.
one last point, you described the AWE you felt, as ORE which is a type of metal found in rock i think... much like iron ore.
a really wonderful piece, congratulations.
Kat
Lilmiz,
ReplyDeleteI have noticed that there is a very detailed analysis of your piece from Mr. Savage, and I have purposely not read it so that I am not influenced by his comments. But because of that, I'm sorry if I'm repeating anything he said.
This is a really cool piece, and I appreciate your combination of story-telling and informing (i.e. the information about the volcano). However, the order of things (earthquake story + volcano facts + information about the town) left me wondering what the focus of the piece is. Other moderators have suggested cutting things that are not necessary, but I think another option could be reorganizing so that everything fits togther. For example, you could begin with an introduction of the town, then lead into the general idea of town vs. nature, which would allow you to discuss both the earthquake and the volcano. Has the volcano ever been problematic for the town? Or does its smoke hang over the town like a constant threat of devestating eruption? Or something else?
Thank you for this piece - it was thoughtful and very detailed.
Have a good week,
Maria
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR COMMENTS I REALLY
ReplyDeleteAPPRECIATE IT!!!