I thought that excerpt 5 was very unique in its structure, “first, you were born and second, you are alive." This makes it seem like its part of a method, the way something is meant to happen. Moreover, it is very direct to the reader, “you could just as easily have been a flatworm.” This makes it effective because it grabs the reader’s attention and makes them want to read on. Also, it doesn’t first occur to the reader that the story is about ‘travel’ and only when the reader reads the last line, “if you find yourself alone in Weston-super-Mare on a rainy Tuesday evening you may come close,” it shows where the character is.
I would advice you to stay exactly where you are.
Clothes all over the place like shattered beads; it becomes hard to pick out the best ones. You would think that this would be a simple process, wouldn’t you? But you’re left tangled up with whether to choose the red or blue top that will go best with your jeans. Then choosing the extra little things, the ones that are not so necessary to obtain though they‘re like the cherry on top of a cake or the glamorous gloss on your lips. For you, to truly master the skill of pick and choose will only occur when a ever green tree loses its leaves.
To be lost, can it be that easy? It takes one wrong turn to lose your way or it may find you a new destination. Check your route carefully before you leave, will be my second advice but if you follow the first one then you won’t need to read further. Turning back won’t be as easy as turning a page; beware of the images you hold in your mind of your destination. Directions are never easy to follow, especially if you don’t know much about roads and can’t really tell what the signs are telling you. Having someone with better understanding of signs will be a good choice but if you find yourself being alone then simply ask someone; a stranger might be more helpful than you know.
You’ve reach you destination, may your stay here be as enjoyable as possible. This is the final step, the last stop. All the troubles you went through, was it worth it? It may not be, if you found yourself to be standing here, a Tuesday afternoon in Germany. With the harsh rain splashing on your face, your top losing its colour and you’re left standing alone amongst the unknowns.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteYou've latched on to some cool points from the extract and used them well. I like your analysis - especially your selection of the flatworm quote. You're dead right about that restriction of information making this an anything-but-flat account.
Your own piece carries that same vibe of haziness. I love the opening line. It got my attention. Similarly your questions are great - you have a neat way of addressing the reader. Second person is a tricky thing to pull off, and you've done that well too.
Some of what takes place does become difficult to untangle. It's a problem with second person - you're having to assess what the imagined 'you' is doing all the time - you give the impression of second guessing the reader at the same time as forcing them to picture what you're describing.
As a result sentences can become long:
'Check your route carefully before you leave, will be my second advice but if you follow the first one then you won’t need to read further.'
And the sentences around it are good examples of that. My advice would be to shorten the sentences. So '...one wrong turn could lose your way. Or it could find you your destination' breaks things up. There's a lot to take in, but if you make it easy enough to swallow people will still manage it.
Also a difficulty with juggling long syntax is repetition. It's pretty minor, but things like:
if you follow
easy to follow
In the same paragraph jar. It's picky, but if you read outloud you can get rid of it completely.
Poor Germany. I liked the sensory misery you inflict in its description. Well done with this - it was great to read. Take care,
Andy
Hey,
ReplyDeleteYou've taken some risks here with the style of your writing, which is great to see. It's not derivative of the Bryson piece, either, so you've managed to engage the reader in a similar way to that in which he does without producing merely a pastiche - this is difficult, and you've pulled it off well. I'm impressed!
I think the writing begins to be a little less strong in the second paragraph. After your lovely observational moment about packing, where the agonising over choices of tops is well played-out, I think the non-specifity of the second paragraph actually works less well. It switches between more general (and funny) speculation to more prosaic advice or common sense; it's difficult to define the tone.
By the end of the piece, though, you're much more sure, and it's lovely to read: the final image, of the colours of the now-irrelevant top running in the rain, is perfectly pitched between comedy and pathos.
Well done!
Penny
Hello again.
ReplyDeleteLike Penny I think you've succeeded quite admirably in utilising the same devices as Bryson without ever sounding derivative. For example just in the same manner that he essentially provides a mock-travel piece on the journey to the egg...you begin with a mock-travel piece on the journey to the perfect garment.
Another device that I feel is used to very humourous effect is your opening line, which works very well as a kind of joke at the reader's expense; in the sense that, technically speaking, a very literal reader would read this opening line in a travelogue, reply 'alright then' and then immediately put the book down and stay indoors. But obviously you don't want this, and neither does the reader...they want to know why you are advising this. Therefore with the very first line you have established a strong relationship with your reader and this is a very useful ability to have.
I would also agree with Penny that your first paragraph is your strongest. It is very well constructed and humourously observed, while your usual flair with imagery is as deceptively subtle as always, 'the glamourous gloss on your lips'.
The second paragraph does start off very well, however. Firstly I love the second little dig at your reader, 'if you follow the first one then you won't need to read further'; it's almost like a dare to your reader to stop reading when you know they won't...and this is good as it shows assertiveness and confidence on your part and therefore displays the power dynamic between you and the reader. Also 'turning back won't be as easy as turning a page' is my favourite line in the piece.
I think the problem with the rest of this piece is that you start to move from mock or parodic travel writing...to actual travel writing, and because it's harder to find the natural humour or satire in what you're writing about you seem a little unsure of yourself. So I suppose my best advice here would be to try and blend the two of them together more, rather than going straight from one to the other. One thing you could try is to alternate between cloth-hunting and route-hunting and find the comparisons between them once you've entered the second paragraph.
In any case, it is your lack of confidence with the second paragraph that hampers the success of the third paragraph. Going straight from the rather banal observations of 'a stranger might be more helpful than you know' to mock-dramatic exclamations of 'this is the final step, the last stop' is just too jarring...which is a shame because, as I say, in the first paragraph and a half you succeed absolutely brilliantly at manipulating your reader and essentially showing them who's boss. Basically then I feel this piece is a good example of how important it is to maintain a position of power over the reader; you're the one who is creating...the reader can basically just pick up or put down whenever they want; it is therefore your ability at convincing the reader that they should keep reading that represents your success.
While I want to keep stressing that you can easily succeed at this, as you've shown very well at the beginning of the piece, there are two elements here that let you down. One is your lack of confidence in the middle paragraph, and the other is your occasionally clunky use of grammar that Andy picked up on. For example, the final line of the first paragraph is a gorgeous image, but I feel it would work better if you changed it to 'An ever green tree would lose its leaves before you truly mastered the skill of pick and choose.'
Again I want to stress, however, that you can change these little details quite easily, and that this piece still demonstrates your definate skill at drawing the reader in to your very enthralling world of imagery,
Well done again,
Eoghan
Hey everyone,
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for the comments, really helpful like always. :)