Saturday, 6 October 2007

Debut

She stared at his handsome face. The sparkling light in his eyes, were all that was needed to make her glow inside. Oh well, it wasn't the time to think because the step she chooses to take; will transform her life. It was literally now or never. He stands there like a golden treasure waiting to be found. Her heart racing, her mind is out of control and her body shivers from head to toes. She looked him in his eyes and told him the three special words from her heart. His tenderness touch made her world full of happiness, liveliness and cheerfulness. It was the moment of their lives.
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1 comment:

  1. englishguru8 October 2007 at 10:17

    110 words
    139 syllables

    So you are very close to the target on both counts - but fewer, LONGer words would have helped you get even closer.

    Good use of simile (e.g. 'like a golden treasure') and metaphor (e.g. 'to make her glow inside') - all contributes to a powerful feeling of emotion throughout your piece. Well done!

    However, changes in tense are a little confusing in the end - choose EITHER Present Tense OR Past Tense: and stick with it throughout.

    I also like the way you worked towards a conclusion, keeping us intrigued throughout. :)

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