What is love but an infectious plague of the mind? And life, what is life but a sexually-transmitted disease?
I would hate to sound despondent or pessimistic but who are we to pretend we spin on this ball of anguish and hate for a reason, a purpose? There is simply, nothing.
And if my views do come across as ones of a pessimist, well, then I must say, for a pessimist Im pretty optimistic. And I can admit, there was a time - all a distant memory now- when I thought there was more to life, more to death even but as I slowly turn my back on the hyperbolic text of the bible numb my mind from any sort of emotional pain, there is nothing here. Nothing here for us on this ecliptic planet. And the 'after-life' is one of darkness and the stench of your own rotting flesh buried six feet under in a maggot-infested coffin. You live, you die, you rot.
I suppose now would be a good time to explain in more detail about my heart-wrenching experience of this overly-used word, Love. And I suppose I should tell you all about the tears I have shed and the horrid pain I carry locked away inside my chest. You would, of course, pretend to be very sympathetic and say "There, there child, plenty more fish in the sea"
I think I'll spare you, and spare myself.
But nothing lasts forever, right? Feelings for a lover usually fade after they've put on a few pounds or if it's a 'deep' and 'meaningful' relationship, it will drag on for a couple more years until you've run out of conversation and/or get sick to death of the sight of one another. Correct me if Im wrong..
And the love and security you get from a stable, loving family? That could all turn sour too. Step out of line a few times and you'll find yourself spending your days shut up in a cold, gloomy room -not by force, but choice- with only the comfort of your own lonely thoughts and the friendly knife that twinkles in the moonlight reflected on it's inviting surface.
That same knife edge haunts me even now as I write. No holy water can save me now and no priest can forgive my sin. I have a secret, it's eating me from the inside-out, if I don't say anything now, I fear madness will devour what's left of my sanity and cripple my soul.
I killed him.
I plunged the knife into his heart. And as he fell to his knees with a sad, desperate look on his face, I felt a smile spread upon my own. The satisfaction of ripping through his still-beating heart gave me pleasure than no other... at a price. The beautiful mistake haunts my once peaceful dreams which are now filled with screams in the dark and illusions of those sky blue eyes that got me high and those lips that made me soar, These taunting nights leave me hollow and senseless in my wake.
This is me. Forced to live with the mind-numbing guilt and the morbidly over-whelming feelings of ecstasy and delight of having killed my love, my only love. I accept my fate and wait for sweet karma to come back around.
Hey, Punk-Rock-Princess,
ReplyDeleteGood stuff. You've managed to present what are complicated feelings in a clear way there. You seem confident in long sentences, and they work well with your narrators uneasy state of mind.
There are some points that could be clearer: 'I slowly turn my back on the hyperbolic text of the bible numb my mind from any sort of emotional pain.' I think you could clear that up with a comma after 'bible' if you want them to be seperate points.
Also, just a little point again; when you're indicating a name, put a comma before it. So 'There, there child' becomes 'there there, child.'It's simple, but it's something I didn't use for a while, and the sooner you get to use it the better I guess, so enjoy.
I think when you're telling a short story, or inner monologue, it's hard to judge where to end exactly. You want to finish at the point that will encourage your reader to think about it most, and that often means finnishing as soon as you can (word counts permiting I suppose, sadly). Here I think you've built a cool ending, but I don't know that you need the last line. Having 'my only love' as the last thought your reader gets hit by could be more effective that the more rationalised final line. I must stress I think you've crafted something very cool in your thoughts at the end. There's something very dramatically compelling in the satisfaction and pain of killing someone and accepting them as a true love.
Oh, also, I think: 'gave me pleasure than no other.' should be 'like no other' but I reckon you'd have got that on a reread.
Well done, and thanks for sending this; I hope some of that is a help. Take care,
Andy
Hey Punk-Rock-Princess,
ReplyDeleteYour story is really well done and I think your narrator’s tone is the strongest of any piece I’ve read on the WordVooDoo Blog so far. Your narrator comes across as an edgy, empowered woman and I like it.
The story’s opening draws me in because, first of all, the tone comes across strong from the beginning and makes me want to read more just to find out about this character, and I love your analogy of life as a sexually-transmitted disease.
The two sentences at the end of the 2nd paragraph: “And the 'after-life' is one of darkness and the stench of your own rotting flesh buried six feet under in a maggot-infested coffin. You live, you die, you rot.” This is amazing because of the image it gives and also because it tells me a lot about the psyche of your narrator.
What I would like to see in your story are more specific details about the narrator’s relationship with her boyfriend(husband?). I wish you would give at least one scene or image of the two of them together, even if it’s as simple as them sitting on a couch watching TV together. You do a good job of telling your readers that the narrator is split between relief that he’s dead and guilt that she killed him. But I want to be able to feel this with her, but if I don’t have a good idea of what their relationship was like, it’s harder to empathize with her.
Well done. Thanks for posting this. Hope these comments are helpful, and please let me know if you have any questions!
Really enjoyed this dark short story. I like writing this dark stuff too, and enjoy reading others who have done the same. The opening is very strong, and the second para really starts to lead the reader into the story. A reminder, Im has an apostrophe between the I and the m.
ReplyDeleteThe descriptions you use in this para really suggest the bleakness and the finality of death. The end short sentence 'You live, you rot, you die' really emphasises this.
When you begin your narrator's explanation you do not really need the words 'heart-wrenching.' As you are about to show us her experience, telling how it affected her like this is un-necessary. Also 'horrid pain'. Could you not try and find your own description for how this felt for your narrator? Not sure about the being 'locked up in the room by choice' sentence. As the narrator has chosen to be locked in her room could you show us why she feels this is a good idea? The whole bit of writing about the knife twinkling in the moonlight needs attention. It reads to me that the knife is in a dark room, that the moonlight is twinkling on its surface and is making it inviting. Your sentence needs to make this clearer. The section that mentions the holy water - you can edit out the 'now' in this. Also further on with the sentence 'If I don't say anything' you don't need 'now' in that either. You could also edit out 'I have a secret' and stay with the line 'If I don't say anything...' Telling the reader about the secret she has spoils the fact that she has a secret, somehow. I would like you to reveal what happened and for me to find out that your narrator has a secret.
'His still beating heart gave me pleasure than no other'. You probably need to replace 'than' with 'like.'
'The beautiful mistake'. Really bring this sentence to the foreground by calling her mistake 'this beautiful mistake'.
You don't need 'which' after 'peaceful dreams'. And I would end that sentence there, beginning a new sentence with 'Screams in the dark, sky blue eyes that got me high and lips that made me soar.' You are dealing with real sensuality here and it would be good to separate out that feeling from the next sentence which deals with her feelings after her and her partner have separated. The phrase 'in my wake'. Has your narrator been left hollow and senseless in the wake of the taunting nights? This needs to be made clearer.
'Mind numbing' guilt is a cliche phrase, I'm afraid! Just go with guilt. We all know what it feels like, or find your own description for how guilt affects the mind!
In your final para, I would really go for the increase of emotional intensity. As well as word use, you can use sentence length to achieve this. I would replace all 'ands' with 'the' in this final section to really suggest a feeling of something approaching, something building up. And edit out 'morbidly' as well! It doesn't bring anything to the sentence! If you want to show the reader 'morbidly' you have to show how it manifests itself. You can't just say it, sorry!
And at the end I would stay with her real visceral understanding of what she has done and what this really means to her and not have the acceptance of fate, which for me weakens the end of your story.
Your sentence - 'the overwhelming feelings of ecstasy' gives you a chance to do some exploration of your narrator's feelings in this respect.
I've probably written as many words as your story, if not more! But short stories have such a job to do in a condensed form and every word simply has to count. If not, it gets dumped!!
Best of luck with it, and with your other work!
ann g