Love
Exercise 1: Iambic Pentameters
1. Love is but a sorrowful emotion
2. Whether to laugh or to cry that is your choice
3. Happy endings are not to be destined
Exercise 2: Trochaic Tetrameters
1. Dreaming; finding the one in life
2) Scared to be rejected? That's me!
3) Loneliness is over-rated
Exercise 3: Dactylic Trimeters
1. Pain and love differ so blatantly
2. Romance is pure bliss and happiness
3. Why is love so unpredictable?
Exercise 4: Anapestic Dimeters
1. I eagerly await
2. When is my love due for?
3. Is love just a cliche?
Exercise 5: Quatrain; abab; iambic pentameters
1. Mistaking you for my fantasy? PLEASE.
You shattered my dreams before they'd begun
Your attention did nothing but disease
It was the wool on the spindle just spun
2. Letting her interfere was your mistake
Expressions you gave; smart to leave no clue
How much more of a scene were you to make?
All I wanted was to be with just you
3) A Joyous occasion; a content child
Which was love that made me happily smile
Your love was as free as a snake so wild
Which gave me courage to trust you a mile
Exercise 6: Quatrain; abab; anapestic tetrameter/anapestic
trimeter/anapestic tetrameter/anapestic trimeter.
1.Wishing things would go back to being the same
I wish I could turn back time for once
To think that I was loved; Oh what an unfair shame
I feel so excluded. In a corner; a dunce
2. It made me feel loved; cherished till the end always
It's feel and strong sense fit together like a glove
Kept me warm inside like coffee did on cold days
This immense feeling and subtle emotion; love
i edited most of it the points that Helen pointed out but please let me know if i still need to redraft. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteHi, Sugardust.
ReplyDeleteHow did you find this task? Redrafting can be very time-consuming sometimes, and even a bit boring, but I find that it really does improve the quality of my work. It allows me to look at my writing from another perspective, and see it as a reader would see it.
With the first exercise, I notice that you’ve altered your second attempt. It’s good that you went back to it to try and make it better, but I think it needs more work. You now have one too many syllables, so it doesn’t work as iambic pentameter. I’d revisit englishguru’s comments from last time, and then edit the line accordingly.
You don’t seem to have changed much of the content of exercises two, three and four, despite englishguru’s feedback. If I were in your position, I would take his advice on board. He seems to know a lot more about poetry than I do! I write fiction, and never use iambs, trochees and so on.
I’m glad that you edited your third attempt at the fifth exercise. In my opinion, it reads much better now that you use ‘content’ and ‘happily’ rather than ‘happy’ and ‘happily.’ The first line of exercise six flows much more pleasantly in its edited form, too. It is less “clunky” to read, so well done. However, you’ve fallen into the trap of repetition again – ‘Wishing’ on the first line and ‘I wish’ on the second. I think it’s always better to try to include a diverse range of language, rather than just reusing words.
Thanks!
Helen
Not sure I'm inclined to comment again, sugadust, since you appear to have ignored many of my suggestions from last time. :(
ReplyDeleteYou are a little way off with some of these still, and my comments would have helped you get there...