Family Affair
It's not fair! I don't understand why mum and dad keep on arguing. Mum said that everything was alright, but daddy just gave her a shifty look and fiercely slammed the door behind him. Although she kept on reassuring me that 'mummy and daddy are just having a loud disccussion' I didnt believe her, not one bit! Dad said they were having a strongly worded duh-mes-tik or how ever you say it. I think all these words that adults seem to be using are very complicated and I don't think it makes much sense to me. I really actully don't know what it means, but I have an awful feeling that it's not all that worthy...
I can't believe it, it happened again, however this time dad started to hurt her; slapping, punching and even kicking. It made me cry. I could feel the teardrops welling up it my eyes almost instantly-I couldn't stop it, and without warning, warm streams of flooding water poured down my face.
I dont think I can handle it!
It's like having too much weight being put on my shoulders it's a tryant!
Hi Laydie Sparklez
ReplyDeleteI found your 'task 16' to be a really tempting beginning of a story. Something has started to happen with the parents arguing, there is a development of the event with the onset of violence and there are things yet to happen with your narrator being unable to cope with events.
You have a promising outline/skeleton of a story here. You could do more with it by exploring the issues you raise and by asking the text a few questions.
Such as.... Why doesn't your narrator understand why her parents are arguing? Was there calm before? I can see the parents standing there, mum lying, dad looking shifty before leaving. What else is there for your narrator to see, sense and then show me?
The violence shows that the argument between the parents has escalated. What else did the narrator experience when seeing the assault? Did the narrator try to prevent the violence? If not, why not? If so, what happened?
So, really, go deeper into the story. Question things within it, draw them out and write about them. This will help you develop this piece of work into something richer and more involving.
The beginnings are there, so go for it!!
Best of luck
ann g
Hi Laydie Sparklez,
ReplyDeleteI agree that there seems to be an interesting story nearly being told here but you have to give it a bit longer in the telling. Looking forward to your next piece.
Anjali