These are all going to be about Happiness.(or a lack of it)
TASK ONE
The lack of happiness burdens us all.
Secure inside the thought that im ok.
A bubbling of joy from deep inside.
TASK TWO
TASK ONE
The lack of happiness burdens us all.
Secure inside the thought that im ok.
A bubbling of joy from deep inside.
TASK TWO
Life is fine when one's not meloncholy
(sorry there is only 1 i find this one i little bit harder)
TASK THREE
Love dwells on mountains to steep to climb
Happinness: legend of long ago
TASK FOUR
Prosthetic happiness
Lies in a jug of rum
TASK FIVE
A walk to school should be my biggest hate
Except the fact that people make me think
The woman on the bus getting irate
Admirirng the publics quirks and kinks
TASK SIX
I am dead in my in hole and I feel very low
no one takes any care of my grave
I am far underground, and the rotting is slow
i didn't quite manage to shave
Hi, Naboo.
ReplyDeleteThanks for giving up some of your holiday to work on this. You seem to have understood the task well and worked hard at it. I’ve broken my feedback up by task so that it’s a little clearer for you.
Task 1:
The first line is very solid, and works well.
The next line shows a keen understanding of iambic pentameter, and the rhythm is good. However, you need to be a little more careful with spelling - use ‘I’m’ instead of ‘im.’
Your third attempt doesn’t work as well. I found it a little problematic. As you know, iambic pentameter goes:
dee-DUM dee-DUM dee-DUM dee-DUM dee-DUM.
a BUB-er-LING of JOY from DEEP in-SIDE.
Pronunciation is the key factor here, I think– whether one pronounces the word ‘bubbling’ with three distinct syllables or just two. I personally read it as a two syllable word, and was therefore initially thrown off the beat. However, as I have shown above, it *can* be pronounced in a way that will fit in with the iambic pentameter – ‘bub-er-ling’ rather than ‘bub-ling’ – but it’s not my favourite line of the bunch.
All in all, I think you’ve grasped the mechanics of iambic pentameter very well. Good job!
Task 2:
I find trochees more difficult, too, Naboo. However, I think that you have a decent grasp of the fact that the stressed syllable comes first – ‘LIFE is FINE when’ – so well done there! However, I believe that Task 2 was also an exercise in tetrameter, which has four feet. The last word tips you over! LIFE is FINE when ONE’S not MELan (choly). Do you see what I mean?
Task 3:
Your first attempt was great. Besides the excellent grasp of form, I really liked the line! You need to watch out for mistakes in the second dactyl though. Is it ‘mountains to’ or ‘mountains too’?
You need to check your spelling in the second line as well, but you have evidently mastered dactylic trimeters. You should be really proud of yourself.
Task 4:
No complaints from me here! The two lines form a neat little poem of their own. Brill!
Task 5:
You have a good general grasp of the form, rhyme scheme and rhythm, but you shouldn’t forget about punctuation just because you’re writing a poem. Also, I think the last line lets the piece down a bit. You have misspelt ‘admiring’ and you need to add a possessive apostrophe to ‘publics.’
Task 6 (nearly done!):
Again, I thought this was rather good. You need to proof read your first line again though - you are dead in your in hole?! I particularly liked the last line. It was nice and creepy, and made me think about the fact that hair keeps on growing even after one’s dead. Very discomforting.
Well done, Naboo. I appreciate all your hard work, and think you should be pleased with what you’ve accomplished.
Helen
Exercise 1: I'm struggling with 'burdens' as an iambic foot - but I love the second stab. I'm with Helen on the 'bubbling' issue though...
ReplyDeleteExercise 2: A good attempt (despite the extra foot) - but if you find this one tricky, isn't that all the more reason for several attempts?
Exercise 3: As Helen says, your dactyls are great!
Exercise 4: I don't see an anapestic rhythm in these two lines at all, I'm afraid.
Exercise 5: Your first two lines work well - but not the last two: "getTING?"; and the last line is all over the place rhythmically... :(
Exercise 6: Add an "and" at the start of your final line and this is perfect!
So, all in all, plenty of potential for redrafting on Task 18. Good luck!
Hey,
ReplyDeleteSorry it's taken me a while to get back on this. Hope this is still helpful if you're redrafting.
Well done with your first task. I must stress I find poetry hard, but you've given things a good go here. Maybe shift bubbling to something with three distinct syllables - it needs to be the same length as 'offering' or 'challenging' to really fit.
Second task is a good message, but it is a bit long - melancholy is an ace word though. I realise Helen's already covered this though so no fret.
Third task: really cool lines, and excellent grasp of your metre there. Yeah - 'to' it 'too' when it means 'as well' (e.g. I'm going too) or when something's'too much.'Really well done with that though.
Task four's lines are ace, but you're metre is still dactyl there. The line 'Twas the Night before Christmas and all Through the House' is anapaest if that helps - the words in capitals are the stressed syllables.
Task five you've thought through some good rhymes - I know it can be really frustrating figuring metre sometimes. Starting with admiring doesn't fit you iambic rythm, but I reckon you could craft a good poem if you read this one over.
Good stuff. I notice word guru's already hit the only issue here, so just well done needs to be said. Also don't worry - your hair doesn't actually keep growing when you're dead, it just appears to because your skin recedes : )
Take care,
Andy