Love
Exercise 1: Iambic Pentameters
1. Love is but a sorrowful emotion
2. Whether to laugh or to cry is your choice
3. Happy endings are not to be destined
Exercise 2: Trochaic Tetrameters
1. Dreaming; finding the one in life
2) Scared to be rejected? That's me!
3) Loneliness is over-rated
Exercise 3: Dactylic Trimeters
1. Pain and love differ so blatantly
2. Romance is pure bliss and happiness
3. Why is love so unpredictable?
Exercise 4: Anapestic Dimeters
1. I eagerly await
2. When is my love due for?
3. Is love just a cliche?
Exercise 5: Quatrain; abab; iambic pentameters
1. Mistaking you for my fantasy? PLEASE.
You shattered my dreams before they begun
Your attention did nothing but disease
It was the wool on the spindle just spun
2. Letting her interfere was your mistake
Expressions you gave; smart to leave no clue
How much more of a scene were you to make?
All I wanted was to be with JUST you
3) A Joyous occasion; a happy child
Which was love that made me happily smile
Your love was as free as a snake so wild
Which gave me courage to trust you a mile
Exercise 6: Quatrain; abab; anapestic tetrameter/anapestic
trimeter/anapestic tetrameter/anapestic trimeter.
1. Love ended time ago, me not being to blame
I wish I could turn back time for once
To think that I was loved; Oh what an unfair shame
I feel so excluded. In a corner; a dunce
2. It made me feel loved; cherished till the end always
It's feel and strong sense fit together like a glove
Kept me warm inside like coffee did on cold days
This immense feeling and subtle emotion; love
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL LMAO n u lafd at myn? :P... urz iz more "romeo" den myn man... :P itz beta too i finkk.. personaly :|.. lol... but still wiked :D well done ;)
ReplyDeleteLOL... thanks fizzy and i always laugh wen i read a good piece of work (includin myn) loool... i still think urs is better =)
ReplyDeleteHi, Sugadust. Thanks for sharing this. I’ve posted my feedback below, and divided it up by exercise.
ReplyDeleteExercise 1:
First of all, I think love is a good choice of subject for formal poetry. It’s a classic, after all! You have done well with this exercise. Your lines have the right number of feet, and you display a decent grasp of iambic pentameter. Well done.
Exercise 2:
Again, all three of your attempts work as examples of trochaic tetrameter. The syllables can be stressed correctly, and each line has the right number of feet. The third line was, for me, the least impressive. Although it can be made to follow the DUM-dee pattern, I wasn’t keen on the second trochee, ‘NESS-is.’ I think it’s probably a matter of personal preference, but ‘ness’ is quite a soft syllable, and it didn’t feel natural to stress it. However, you have clearly understood the exercise very well.
Exercise 3:
I thought you did a really good job with this exercise. Your attempts do what they’re supposed to in terms of rhythm, and they flow very nicely. They are solid, and don’t feel at all forced. They are also confidently written, without any grammar or spelling issues. Congratulations!
Exercise 4:
You’ve done a decent job with your attempts at anapaestic dimeter. You display an understanding of the meter and stress pattern, and I think that the dee-dee-DUM rhythm works best in your third line. However, the word ‘cliché’ should have an accent on the e. I’m not sure that your second attempt quite makes sense as a freestanding unit of language, as it reads just like an unfinished sentence, but otherwise, well done.
Exercise 5:
There are some good attempts here, too. You have the abab rhyme scheme down wonderfully. The second line of your first quatrain doesn’t work so well, however, because grammatically it should finish with the word ‘began’ rather than ‘begun’. To change this would obviously impact upon the rhyme scheme, so you need to do a little rethinking. ‘Before they had begun’ would also be correct, but it would add an extra syllable. My advice would be to use ‘before they’d begun’ which would retain the original line ending and maintain the iambic pentameter.
Your second and third attempts are also quite strong. Your second quatrain has a good, solid first line that grabs the reader’s attention, but I don’t think that you should capitalise the word ‘just’ in the final line, as it interferes with the rhythm of the iambic pentameter. I also think that you need to edit your third attempt a little. You use ‘happy’ in the first line and then ‘happily’ in the second. Maybe you should try replacing one of these words with something a little more imaginative?
Exercise 6:
The first line of your first quatrain feels a bit laboured, as if you have really had to force your thoughts and words into the right poetic form. That might be something that you want to work on. Your second line, however, is much better. It feels stronger, simpler and more natural. The last line of the first poem is an example of anapaestic tetrameter, but I thought that it was meant to be written in anapaestic trimeter? If so, it has an extra foot!
I think your second attempt may be a little confused, too. Don’t forget that the exercise is asking for a line of four anapaests, then a line of three, then another line of four, and then finally another line of three.
I can tell that you put a good bit of work into this task, Sugadust, and it has really paid off. If you wanted to go off and write some full-length poems using some of these techniques, I’m sure that you could do it. Formal poetry can be tricky at times, but it can also be really wonderful to read. I think you’ve done well, and you should be proud of yourself.
Helen
thanks helen! ur comments are greatly appreciated and im also flattered that someone with such great professionalism and high standards is even bothering to READ my work! thanks for all the advice its been taking into consideration. thank youuuuu :)
ReplyDeleteI'm nowhere near as nice as Helen, so I'm going to pickier here. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteExercise 1:
If you read these lines aloud stressing the even syllables (2,4,6,8,10), you will see how none of them quite fit. Often, however, it is small changes that can put everything right. For example, change 2 to "Whether to laugh or cry that is your choice" and you're spot on.
Exercise 2:
YOur third line is perfect. The first one starts with two trochees, but then moves to two iambs; and the second one has three trochees, but I would argue that it ends with an iamb (or a even a spondee!).
Exercise 3:
Lines 1 and 2 are almost there, although "love" sounds wrong unstressed, as does "bliss". Line 3, however, to me seems perfect.
Exercise 4:
1 - eaGERly? sounds odd
2 - stressing "my" and "for" sounds strange
3 - perfect! :)
Exercise 5:
Try saying this aloud, stressing the even syllables exaggeratedly, as many of them are out of kilter with the iambic meter for which you are striving. Iambs seem to be giving you trouble - so perhaps study some other people's attempts too?
Exercise 6:
If you get your mind into the dee-dee-DUM dee-dee-DUM rhythm (almost like a waltz), then much of these attempts sound strange, because the stresses fall on some unusual sounds/words. Do you see what I mean?
All in all, lots of good stuff here, but plenty to focus on with Task 18 too. Keep it up, sugadust. I know this is tricky stuff, but you're getting there! :)