The ice splinters beneath his fingers, as he tries to hold himself above the freezing river water. I watch as his eyes slowly roll to the back of his head. Slowly but surely they begin to slip off the ice .I watch as his face turns blue as the strong river currents pulls him to his death.
“Job done,” I coldly say. A sudden feeling of relief is injected into me like an absent painkiller that had left and been replaced with hate. Those vile nights with just the two of us. Alone. Not any more. It was just mum and me again; Greg had just been washed away for good, like a stain removed by a powerful detergent.
It was a chilly dark October evening and the air seemed to have a bit of an icy edge on it. I quickly scrambled into a nearby bush at the rivers side as I heard a young couple walking on their midnight stroll. Minutes later he was found. The screams and wails echoed around the valley. “If only she knew the truth shed be sighing with relief, not crying” I whispered whilst still trying to plan my way back home. The only tear shed for him would be tears of joy.
Later that evening, back at home, there was a knock at the door and as the officer walked in I scrambled upstairs to prolong the inevitable. I heard him tell my mum Greg was dead. Her reaction was surprising to say the least; no laughter, screams of joy or even tears of happiness. She just howled and wailed. Why? She knew what he did to me. She knew he was the reason I was in THIS condition. Why didn’t she want him dead? “It must be an act,” I thought as I heard the officer’s footsteps approach my door.
“Ms James can you please tell me where you where between 7 and 9pm this evening?”
“By the lake” I replied very matter of fact.
“And can you tell me precisely what you were doing there?” he asked fully aware of the answer.
“Killing my step-dad” there was no point denying it. He came here for an answer and I gave it to him.
“Would that be Greg Harminson of this household,” he asked with a short smile that meant “job done”.
“Yep!”.
The rest was like a scene from “The Bill”. They took me to the station, questioned me and sat me in a room alone with my thoughts. They weren’t very comforting but at least I could reflect on my actions. “Mum wasn’t happy? Or relieved at the very least. Why was she pretending? Why?
* * * *
We walked into the pub and found a secluded seating area in the corner. Mum brought me a j20 and herself a Jack Daniels and coke, “Dutch courage” I thought .It was 5 minutes after 7 when a tall muscular figure entered the pub and walked straight towards us. “Sophie, this is Greg, ” she said scanning my face looking for any signs of dislike. My opinion meant the world to my mum so when she found no signs whatsoever, my relief rubbed onto her. “Hi” I replied in a jolly tone. At least this guy was better than the last one. I mean he was balding mid-forties and wore a plastic medallion around his neck so this new guy was definitely an improvement. We spent the rest of the night drinking laughing and chatting. Greg bought drink after drink for us, trying very hard to buy me round, but there was no need as his whole charisma had got my approval already. Hours passed and at 10 o’clock Greg dropped us home in his little red van. “Well what do you think?” mum asked a soon as she heard him drive away. “He seems ok” I said with a small grin on my face. This date was the first of many.
* * * *
I stared out the window longing for mum to get home before him. But all my hopes were crushed when that little red van pulled up on the drive. I jumped away from the window and huddled my self in the corner of the room. I closed my eyes and wished, hoped even prayed that it wouldn’t happen today. The petrol smell from the garage warned me he was home before I heard his footsteps clunk up the stairs towards my room. I thought I had locked the door. The handle turned. He entered the room and I could tell by the evil grin on his face that he wasn’t here to help me with my homework.
* * * *
I sat her down on the sofa. “Mum I‘ve got something to tell you”. She just looked at me and said “its ok darling. I know already” I stared at her in disbelief “its all part of growing up your finally becoming a women” she finished. I knew where she was going with this “mum i'm not on my period I started that years ago, its about Greg” I interrupted.
“Now look darling I know he is not perfect and I know he has cheated on me but I have forgave him now can we please drop it?
“NO we can’t mum. I’m pregnant!” a weight had been lifted off my chest. But the one in my belly remained.
“What?” mum screamed her voice pierced through me like a needle to ma ears. She stared at me in disbelief.
“You heard mother. I…am…pregnant” my voice shaking as I spoke. The thought she couldn’t understand was unbearable but so two was the reply my deluded mother gave.
“You dirty little slut. Pregnant at 15. You’re no daughter of mine” she said. her voice croaking and dry as she knew this was uncalled for.
“Open your eyes mother, who do you think the father is…”
* * * *
He was walking all alone by the frozen lake. I had come here to do a job and this was my one and only chance to finally repay him for all the trouble he caused. All the pain and suffering me and mum had suffered ever since mum went to bingo. The moon lit up the space around him, like a target for me to hit, as I took my place in the bus behind him. He walked further along the bank and as he passed I knew this was the last time that petrol smell would make my stomach jerk as violently as I just had done. I waited patiently and alone, my only comfort the occasional breeze from the cold winter wind that refreshed my numbing body but then my chance came. I think he must have lent over to se a fish but this was irrelevant as I bolted from the bush. Yelling, hollering and screaming as I went, I made sure my run up was as strong as possible then with all my physical power and the added physiological boost I pushed him into the lake. The ice cracked underneath Greg’s flapping body as he tried in vain to clamber back up. His head went under however determined to fight back, it rose up again. But this battle was already won. I kicked his head to make sure there was no way back. The ice splintered beneath his fingers, as he tried to hold himself above the freezing river water. I watched as his eyes slowly rolled to the back of his head…
Hey, Sparky,
ReplyDeleteI was impressed by how well you write through most of this. It's very controlled, and the scenes are well chosen, and well narrated. You're especially good at choosing when to end a scene to make it most effective.
Your similies, such as 'like a stain removed by a powerful detergent' are great, and the sensory descriptions, such as 'The petrol smell from the garage warned me he was home'are vivid, and also well placed.
There's the odd bit of repetition that doesn't serve you well, because the rest of the narrative is fast paced and clear. The description 'the air seemed to have a bit of an icy edge on it' is repeating the first half of the sentences, maybe, and is less forceful because of the 'a bit' part, so that could be changed.
Similarly in the last section you have: 'All the pain and suffering me and mum had suffered ever since mum went to bingo.' It's great how you build your narrator's hatred, but two suffer based words sounds weird in one line, and also this line foregrounds bingo in the middle of a tense scene, which doesn't serve the atmosphere well. I stress this because your control of mood in the rest of the piece is very good - You'd be rightly proud of it.
I think there's a bit of a shift clarity in the last section overall. Lines like 'His head went under however determined to fight back, it rose up again. But this battle was already won.' Aren't as clear as the rest of your piece. You maybe need a full stop after 'back' and it could work to refer to 'he' rather than just his head, just to make things simpler. There's also the odd spelling mistake, like 'as I took my place in the bus behind him.' which comprimise understanding, so just a good reread of that section would be good. I realise you're working to deadlines on this, and that last section seemed very different in control to the rest of your piece (because the rest was excellent), so if you have time now, you should have another look at the last part especially.
It was great to read some of your work, and you should feel pleased with it. I'm sorry if I've been picky at all; I hope some of this helps, and you should know I'm looking forward to reading the next piece (which I guess I'll do now). Take care,
Andy
Hey, Sparky,
ReplyDeleteI was impressed by how well you write through most of this. It's very controlled, and the scenes are well chosen, and well narrated. You're especially good at choosing when to end a scene to make it most effective.
Your similies, such as 'like a stain removed by a powerful detergent' are great, and the sensory descriptions, such as 'The petrol smell from the garage warned me he was home'are vivid, and also well placed.
There's the odd bit of repetition that doesn't serve you well, because the rest of the narrative is fast paced and clear. The description 'the air seemed to have a bit of an icy edge on it' is repeating the first half of the sentences, maybe, and is less forceful because of the 'a bit' part, so that could be changed.
Similarly in the last section you have: 'All the pain and suffering me and mum had suffered ever since mum went to bingo.' It's great how you build your narrator's hatred, but two suffer based words sounds weird in one line, and also this line foregrounds bingo in the middle of a tense scene, which doesn't serve the atmosphere well. I stress this because your control of mood in the rest of the piece is very good - You'd be rightly proud of it.
I think there's a bit of a shift clarity in the last section overall. Lines like 'His head went under however determined to fight back, it rose up again. But this battle was already won.' Aren't as clear as the rest of your piece. You maybe need a full stop after 'back' and it could work to refer to 'he' rather than just his head, just to make things simpler. There's also the odd spelling mistake, like 'as I took my place in the bus behind him.' which comprimise understanding, so just a good reread of that section would be good. I realise you're working to deadlines on this, and that last section seemed very different in control to the rest of your piece (because the rest was excellent), so if you have time now, you should have another look at the last part especially.
It was great to read some of your work, and you should feel pleased with it. I'm sorry if I've been picky at all; I hope some of this helps, and you should know I'm looking forward to reading the next piece (which I guess I'll do now). Take care,
Andy
Hi Sparky
ReplyDeleteAgree with much of what andy parrott said. A piece of strong writing with a sense of violence lurking just underneath the surface. Loved the feeling of tension when your narrator meets Greg in the pub, even though she knows she is supposed to like him.
But re-editing is the necessary bane of a writer's life!! The first para of the drowning... you could start the whole thing with the description of Greg drowning and add 'job done' at the end of this to give some real punch to this.
When Greg assaults your narrator at the house, keep the serious tone. I would probably lose 'I could tell by the evil grin on his face that he wasn't going to help me with my homework'. She is afraid; he is going to rape her, so try and make more of this fear.
Avoid cliche statements! My tutor said that cliches are other peoples descriptions of things and that as writers we must find our own ways of describing how things feel. (sounds stuffy I know, but it is so true!!) So look at sentences like 'a weight lifted off my chest' and 'her voice pierced through me like a needle to my ears' and try and come up with something that is how it really feels to your narrator, bearing in mind all she has gone through.
Keep the emotion heightened when mum and daughter argue over Greg! When she tells her mum who the father of her child is, this surely has been emotionally dragged out of her? Therefore the line 'open your eyes mother' is too dry.
Loved the final descriptive para of how she did away with Greg. Again, stay with the description. You don't need any of that 'this was my one and only chance' and the line with 'mum went to bingo'. Your descriptions of what your character actually does are strong enough to carry the whole development in the paragraph.
Stay with 'the moon lit up the space' and lose continuations like 'like a target to hit' and 'as he passed I knew this was the last time this petrol smell...'. You do not need them. Staying with descriptions of what your character sees doesn't tell the reader your character's intention, it shows it.
And sentences in this final para! Shorter, breathless sentences suggest rising tension.
'He walked further along the bank.'
'I waited patiently and alone.'
'The cold winter wind refreshed my numbing body.'
'My chance came.'
Sorry if I seem to have gone on a bit!!Hope this all helps.
Best wishes!
ann g
Hey Sparky,
ReplyDeleteThere are many excellent things happening in this story and I thought it was very compelling to read. The pace of it is great – you didn’t try to rush through the actions of the story, but took your time to describe the characters and setting. In particular, I thought you did a good job of describing the setting in the pub when the narrator meets Greg.
The most interesting aspect, for me, is the relationship between the narrator and her mother. I like that the narrator assumes her mother will be pleased Greg is dead, and how she then how surprised she is when her mother is not happy. It shows a lot about their relationship and the conflict between them.
It is because of how much I like the mother/daughter relationship you’ve portrayed that I think your current ending falls a bit flat. The whole last section, although well written, describes what I already know has happened – she killed her stepfather by pushing him off a cliff into the water. What I was hoping to see at the end was another mother/daughter interaction because it is not clear to me whether the mother will forgive her daughter for murdering her husband. It would be very interesting for her mother visit her at the police station and talk about the murder. I think it would also tie up loose ends about the story and make the ending feel more satisfactory.
I know from experience that it’s difficult to change an ending of a story, but I just thought I’d mention it as something to think about.
Your writing is very good here. Look out for typos and uses of punctuation in your final draft. When writing dialogue, remember that there should always be some form of punctuation after the last word of the quote but before the end quotation mark. For example: “He seems ok” I said, should be “He seems ok,” I said.
Thank you for posting. Hope these comments help and please let me know if you have any questions!