Atul dutt
always second best
living in ma dads shadow
i need to break free
Eeshwar
hes no son of mine
the dutt's are a strong,rare breed
Atul: the odd one out
Lopa Dutt
two men in my life
that behave like little boys
when will they grow up
jai dutt
i more of a man
than my weak frigid brother
vina should be mine
Vina Patel
best time of my life
married with a new husband
but somethings not right
Laxman Patel
shes my little girl
she could do so much better
than atul:weak man
lata patel
try to do my best
by my precious little girl
but she wont listen
Hey, Sparky,
ReplyDeleteI really like that. You've used the Haiku mode in a really creative way. The order you've chosen is great too - having atul as your first narrator, and then building a story around him through other's views is awesome.
When your syllable count is so rigid it can be hard to say what you want to in a way that sounds natural, but I think you've done well. I wasn't sure on the line: 'i more of a man' - unless that's part of the way that jai speaks it could be clearer as 'I am more manly.'
Also I wasn't sure that 'Atul: the odd one out' fits to five syllables, but it's a good observation.
I really enjoyed that. Thanks,
Andy